WaffleSingSong
December 30th, 2012, 05:21 AM
Hiyas. Prepare for a chock-full of information, please keep both eyes on the screen or they might get lost. Enjoy the story!
I have been like this FOREVER. Ever since around 6th grade, I have kinda realized that I have always been the lower guy in something, even with friends I am still considered the little guy who gets picked on. Don't really know why, I have always been a considerate, sensible and modest and so I can not see why people think i'm the weak one. Maybe it is because since I am so meek that it is easy for people to step on me? Then again, I do not want to be some douche who does the same to others. This, is just one of the many reasons why I have a growing problem with depression.
Another reason is my parents, not necessarily because there broke up, (In fact I was waiting for them to, gave a sigh of relief when they did.) but because the fact that It is hard to manage to liking both of them. Right now, I live with my Mom. I have always been a little mamma's boy, but not really too big on it. Anywhom, I think that my mom really does truly loves me inside her heart, I know she does. However, how I think and how she thinks are just not very compatible with each other at all. Mom is a machine-like organized workaholic who is very objective based. She is a proud nationalist ever since she and dad moved here in the USA and has very traditionalist ways of thinking including being a huge Christian.
Me, on the other hand, Is a creative, go-with-the-flow, shrug it off guy who really just wants to be happy. Also, I'm a extremely left-minded/winged guy and is quite progressive and I really do not believe in a sense of organized religion. I still believe in some divine life force, but I just do not understand why you would try to organize the most unorganized thing in the universe, which is it's creation! Anyways, every time I do something that is not what she think's is perfect (when I really do something in normal speed/precision) she steps in, yells at me for not doing it correctly and does it in her extremely precise and quick ways by herself. All I can do is watch, as I still could of done the task, and yet before I even have a chance to move she says "Why are you looking at me for? Do *insert task here!*" And it makes me feel weak because by her measures I can not do anything right. Also, when my progressivness meets with her traditionalness she gets frustrated and gets on to me about "loving this great land" and "not supporting our troops" and what-not. I do not care about her ideals, but she cares about mine and tries to change it, which always fails and I even somewhat counter-attack without even thinking about doing it, which she goes "Whatever!" One thing that especially bothers me is the fact that how she sees black people (you can also say this to my dad later on) and the fact that she is not mean to them, but she does not think I should really interact with them heavily. She is fine with Hispanics and Asians but she does not like me really interacting with Blacks or Middle Easterners/Semitics. I really do not know if you can call this racism, but it still bothers me greatly.
(This just makes me irate in general. Because to me, "Whatever" means 'Ok, I lost the argument but I am just going to ignore everything you said and pretend like nothing happened at all.' At least when I am bested, I admit that I am and agree with said statement, moving on...)
I also have not told mom that I am not Christian, as If I do I think she really might not love me anymore. It kind of scares me and it makes me really shaky. Also, her boyfriend is the same way. He is a really nice guy, but If I say that I am not a Christian I think he would ever think nicely of me again. I have always been non-religious, I just never really thought about it till 6th-7th grade. I always want to tell them, but I do not know how to put it. Every time I just say "I do not really want to go to Church right now." She screams at me saying that It is not my decision and forces me to go. If she decides to leave without me she gets really angry and I get grounded because of it. Whoopee.
And, here Is my Dad.
My Dad is a lot more understanding and lets me do something the way I want it do be done. Also, I think spending time with him more will actually make me a bit more active and make me experience some new things that I missed out on a bit earlier in life. However, Mom would get really angry if I decided to stay with Dad, because she want's her life to go as normally as possible like the separation never even happened, even if it means putting my dad in worse positions. However, I THINK by law it is ultimately my choice to stay who I want to stay with, but my mom is good at finding loopholes in things or at least doing something to stall something from happening.
OK, last, but arguably the least important part. Socialization. Still important though. See, I have friends, and I think that a good portion of them actually like me for who I am. However, like before they still can push me down sometimes and make me bottom of the leaderboard. However, this is (slowly) getting better. However, the biggest thing about this is I hardly have any social life outside of school. I have Soccer/Football/That-sport-with-a-million-names and I have Choir (Honers even) but I really do not do anything that I can just hang out with friends and just relax with them. Do not really know how to open up that I want to do something but I really do not know how to. Also, last but not entirely least, and this is just a little snip in the big picture. I broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago and I have been especially :( with it. However, there is one girl that I know from elementary (but she goes to a different high school, same state with a bordering county) that I think I can really get along with and is also very pretty. However, Only way I know to contact her is though Facebook. I have never asked out a girl in 6 years so I forgot how to execute it properly. Especially than I am now a teenager and that fact that the only way I can do this is though Facebook i'm kinda clueless how to do this. However, I think this might help relieve some stress that I already have.
OK, now for what this does to me. You see, I still have little sprouts of happiness, but for the most part I get BADLY stressed and do not really feel like doing anything. Anything I do, It just feels like it was not worth it. I think that this is the reason why I hardly do any homework. Also, this makes me have awful Insomnia, and I CAN NOT SLEEP for hours, I actually have to stay up long enough for me to just pass out and then only get 4-5 hours of deep sleep, only to be quickly interrupted and that messes with my energy real bad. Also, I used to be a great eater. I could finish a 20 oz steak with ease, but now I can hardly finished 1 1/2 of a fried bologna/egg/cheese sandwich which I make which is ORGASMIC by the way! I really do not feel so sad which I would want to kill myself YET. But I can already feel it creeping closer to me. At my worst days right now I do not want to actually end myself, but I really would not care if someone put a bullet though the brain box or not. I am naturally a optimistic person and I think out of pure natural happiness is the reason I have let the depression hit in a slower pace. However, even that I think will not hold me long and If I take 3-6 more months of this I think I am going to evolve to some serious depression. I would love if you can help me give me a few pointers of each, but a simple "Hold on" is always welcomed :)
Now, that your done reading my long story, you may finally blurt out your comment in that little white box! :D
I have been like this FOREVER. Ever since around 6th grade, I have kinda realized that I have always been the lower guy in something, even with friends I am still considered the little guy who gets picked on. Don't really know why, I have always been a considerate, sensible and modest and so I can not see why people think i'm the weak one. Maybe it is because since I am so meek that it is easy for people to step on me? Then again, I do not want to be some douche who does the same to others. This, is just one of the many reasons why I have a growing problem with depression.
Another reason is my parents, not necessarily because there broke up, (In fact I was waiting for them to, gave a sigh of relief when they did.) but because the fact that It is hard to manage to liking both of them. Right now, I live with my Mom. I have always been a little mamma's boy, but not really too big on it. Anywhom, I think that my mom really does truly loves me inside her heart, I know she does. However, how I think and how she thinks are just not very compatible with each other at all. Mom is a machine-like organized workaholic who is very objective based. She is a proud nationalist ever since she and dad moved here in the USA and has very traditionalist ways of thinking including being a huge Christian.
Me, on the other hand, Is a creative, go-with-the-flow, shrug it off guy who really just wants to be happy. Also, I'm a extremely left-minded/winged guy and is quite progressive and I really do not believe in a sense of organized religion. I still believe in some divine life force, but I just do not understand why you would try to organize the most unorganized thing in the universe, which is it's creation! Anyways, every time I do something that is not what she think's is perfect (when I really do something in normal speed/precision) she steps in, yells at me for not doing it correctly and does it in her extremely precise and quick ways by herself. All I can do is watch, as I still could of done the task, and yet before I even have a chance to move she says "Why are you looking at me for? Do *insert task here!*" And it makes me feel weak because by her measures I can not do anything right. Also, when my progressivness meets with her traditionalness she gets frustrated and gets on to me about "loving this great land" and "not supporting our troops" and what-not. I do not care about her ideals, but she cares about mine and tries to change it, which always fails and I even somewhat counter-attack without even thinking about doing it, which she goes "Whatever!" One thing that especially bothers me is the fact that how she sees black people (you can also say this to my dad later on) and the fact that she is not mean to them, but she does not think I should really interact with them heavily. She is fine with Hispanics and Asians but she does not like me really interacting with Blacks or Middle Easterners/Semitics. I really do not know if you can call this racism, but it still bothers me greatly.
(This just makes me irate in general. Because to me, "Whatever" means 'Ok, I lost the argument but I am just going to ignore everything you said and pretend like nothing happened at all.' At least when I am bested, I admit that I am and agree with said statement, moving on...)
I also have not told mom that I am not Christian, as If I do I think she really might not love me anymore. It kind of scares me and it makes me really shaky. Also, her boyfriend is the same way. He is a really nice guy, but If I say that I am not a Christian I think he would ever think nicely of me again. I have always been non-religious, I just never really thought about it till 6th-7th grade. I always want to tell them, but I do not know how to put it. Every time I just say "I do not really want to go to Church right now." She screams at me saying that It is not my decision and forces me to go. If she decides to leave without me she gets really angry and I get grounded because of it. Whoopee.
And, here Is my Dad.
My Dad is a lot more understanding and lets me do something the way I want it do be done. Also, I think spending time with him more will actually make me a bit more active and make me experience some new things that I missed out on a bit earlier in life. However, Mom would get really angry if I decided to stay with Dad, because she want's her life to go as normally as possible like the separation never even happened, even if it means putting my dad in worse positions. However, I THINK by law it is ultimately my choice to stay who I want to stay with, but my mom is good at finding loopholes in things or at least doing something to stall something from happening.
OK, last, but arguably the least important part. Socialization. Still important though. See, I have friends, and I think that a good portion of them actually like me for who I am. However, like before they still can push me down sometimes and make me bottom of the leaderboard. However, this is (slowly) getting better. However, the biggest thing about this is I hardly have any social life outside of school. I have Soccer/Football/That-sport-with-a-million-names and I have Choir (Honers even) but I really do not do anything that I can just hang out with friends and just relax with them. Do not really know how to open up that I want to do something but I really do not know how to. Also, last but not entirely least, and this is just a little snip in the big picture. I broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago and I have been especially :( with it. However, there is one girl that I know from elementary (but she goes to a different high school, same state with a bordering county) that I think I can really get along with and is also very pretty. However, Only way I know to contact her is though Facebook. I have never asked out a girl in 6 years so I forgot how to execute it properly. Especially than I am now a teenager and that fact that the only way I can do this is though Facebook i'm kinda clueless how to do this. However, I think this might help relieve some stress that I already have.
OK, now for what this does to me. You see, I still have little sprouts of happiness, but for the most part I get BADLY stressed and do not really feel like doing anything. Anything I do, It just feels like it was not worth it. I think that this is the reason why I hardly do any homework. Also, this makes me have awful Insomnia, and I CAN NOT SLEEP for hours, I actually have to stay up long enough for me to just pass out and then only get 4-5 hours of deep sleep, only to be quickly interrupted and that messes with my energy real bad. Also, I used to be a great eater. I could finish a 20 oz steak with ease, but now I can hardly finished 1 1/2 of a fried bologna/egg/cheese sandwich which I make which is ORGASMIC by the way! I really do not feel so sad which I would want to kill myself YET. But I can already feel it creeping closer to me. At my worst days right now I do not want to actually end myself, but I really would not care if someone put a bullet though the brain box or not. I am naturally a optimistic person and I think out of pure natural happiness is the reason I have let the depression hit in a slower pace. However, even that I think will not hold me long and If I take 3-6 more months of this I think I am going to evolve to some serious depression. I would love if you can help me give me a few pointers of each, but a simple "Hold on" is always welcomed :)
Now, that your done reading my long story, you may finally blurt out your comment in that little white box! :D