Dark nursery rhymes

[Haunted]

A while back someone posted nursery rhymes she had re-written to be more dark and creepy. I liked the idea and so I wrote my own:

(Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)
Trickle, trickle, little star;
Drops of blood from a scar.
The soul is plundered, plagued with hunger.
Pain so piercing, sharp as thunder.
Cutting, cutting, little star;
Cutting so deep, it forms a new scar.

(The Itsy Bitsy Spider)
Silently the knife her,
She can't endure this torture.
Down came the blade and let the blood out,
Out came cocaine and dried up all the pain.
Body stained with crimson she bowed her head in shame.

[nick]

They don't scan and don't work for me. You need to preserve the metre and scan of the original rhyme. Take this (not at all original and humorous) example as a contrast, it works because the rhyme and metre are preserved:-

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
on top of Jill
and now they've got a daughter.

[Lost in the Echo]

I like it. :)
Keep writing, that was pretty good.

[jayyy-lmao]

Very good. I like it