dying lullaby
October 17th, 2007, 07:19 PM
i feel like a total ass because i used to be a global mod here and now i am someone who only comes on if i need something. i feel like i have let everyone here down, espically josh.
anyway, the reason why i am back this time, is that i want to cut, so badly that i dotn trust myself to keep it shallow enough to not need stiches and i cant go get stiches.
my story - i am 18, almost 19, and i have been doing this since i was 12. it started out just as something i did b.c i liked how it felt. it wasnt something that i had ever heard about, it was just my secret that i loved. then ppl started to see the cuts and my friends got worried, so i stopped. but after a few months i was still thinking abotu how it made everything else seem okay. how it made everything else not there for a while. i started again. this time i made sure people didnt see the scars. i started to wear guys clothes and hoodies and everyone just thought it was normal. when i was 15 it was the worst. i couldnt go more than 3-5 hours without cutting because i would shake so badly and have migranes.(about the same time i started posting on VT) i became friends with this popular little barbie doll of a girl - me in guys clothes, listening to depressing music and wanting more than anything to die, and the pink wearing, dating-a-new-guy-every-month 'happy' girl were best friends.i love her to this day like a sister. she and VT helped me through some of the cutting stuff. she was the only one who knew at that point(outside of everyone here). then some ppl i kept at a distance from my feelings, but loved to hang out with found my VT name and the site. they posted what i would write on here in their LiveJournals and make fun of me. they made artwork dedicated to me and how i was "faking it" and they even made an account on VT and tried to discredit me on here, tried to make everyone i loved here hate me. that was one of the worst days of my life. pretty pathetic that i actually thought they could make all of you here hate me, i'm sorry i doubted any of your faith in me then. it was also one of the best days also, b.c it showed me that some people out there really did care abotu me - ppl like Heather, Patch, Kiros, Josh...i could name off tons of you old schoolers, but i think you all know who you are...anyway the 3 people who found the forum and had 'ruined' my life did all of that in August before my 10th grade year, i was turning 16 in january that year. 2 weeks after my birthday that year i attempted suicide. the only reason why i am not dead today is because that little barbie doll of a friend of mine encouraged me to tell my mother what i had done. i would have jumped off a cliff if she told me to at that point, so i told my mom - needless to say i went to the hospital. i stayed for a week, came home, a week and a half after that i tried again. this time when i got out of the hospital, i went into a halfway house then to a friend of the family's house to live for the remainder of the year.
i came back to my own house for the start of 11th grade. i was doing really well. barely ever cut, had friends(not good ones, but friends none the less), and was laughing alot. so 11th grade(age 16-17) was uneventful. 12th grade(17-18 ) even less eventful. less fighting with my mom, less cutting(almost none).
all of this leads up to now. i am going to college in january. i have a steady income that gets me by. i have that barbie doll still, she's the best friend i could ever wish for. so why am i feeling so horrible?
if anyone took the time to read all of this, thanks. it felt good bad at the same time to type all of that stuff out for the first time in a long time. good because i remembered all of the shit thats gone down in my life so far and its shown me how far ive come, and bad because i sort of relived all of those emotions and they all make me sad and the urge is stronger now than before. infact my razors are sitting before me, and i am contemplaiting where to cut myself. leg? thigh? shoulder? wrist? hip? someone please just talk to me.
anyway, the reason why i am back this time, is that i want to cut, so badly that i dotn trust myself to keep it shallow enough to not need stiches and i cant go get stiches.
my story - i am 18, almost 19, and i have been doing this since i was 12. it started out just as something i did b.c i liked how it felt. it wasnt something that i had ever heard about, it was just my secret that i loved. then ppl started to see the cuts and my friends got worried, so i stopped. but after a few months i was still thinking abotu how it made everything else seem okay. how it made everything else not there for a while. i started again. this time i made sure people didnt see the scars. i started to wear guys clothes and hoodies and everyone just thought it was normal. when i was 15 it was the worst. i couldnt go more than 3-5 hours without cutting because i would shake so badly and have migranes.(about the same time i started posting on VT) i became friends with this popular little barbie doll of a girl - me in guys clothes, listening to depressing music and wanting more than anything to die, and the pink wearing, dating-a-new-guy-every-month 'happy' girl were best friends.i love her to this day like a sister. she and VT helped me through some of the cutting stuff. she was the only one who knew at that point(outside of everyone here). then some ppl i kept at a distance from my feelings, but loved to hang out with found my VT name and the site. they posted what i would write on here in their LiveJournals and make fun of me. they made artwork dedicated to me and how i was "faking it" and they even made an account on VT and tried to discredit me on here, tried to make everyone i loved here hate me. that was one of the worst days of my life. pretty pathetic that i actually thought they could make all of you here hate me, i'm sorry i doubted any of your faith in me then. it was also one of the best days also, b.c it showed me that some people out there really did care abotu me - ppl like Heather, Patch, Kiros, Josh...i could name off tons of you old schoolers, but i think you all know who you are...anyway the 3 people who found the forum and had 'ruined' my life did all of that in August before my 10th grade year, i was turning 16 in january that year. 2 weeks after my birthday that year i attempted suicide. the only reason why i am not dead today is because that little barbie doll of a friend of mine encouraged me to tell my mother what i had done. i would have jumped off a cliff if she told me to at that point, so i told my mom - needless to say i went to the hospital. i stayed for a week, came home, a week and a half after that i tried again. this time when i got out of the hospital, i went into a halfway house then to a friend of the family's house to live for the remainder of the year.
i came back to my own house for the start of 11th grade. i was doing really well. barely ever cut, had friends(not good ones, but friends none the less), and was laughing alot. so 11th grade(age 16-17) was uneventful. 12th grade(17-18 ) even less eventful. less fighting with my mom, less cutting(almost none).
all of this leads up to now. i am going to college in january. i have a steady income that gets me by. i have that barbie doll still, she's the best friend i could ever wish for. so why am i feeling so horrible?
if anyone took the time to read all of this, thanks. it felt good bad at the same time to type all of that stuff out for the first time in a long time. good because i remembered all of the shit thats gone down in my life so far and its shown me how far ive come, and bad because i sort of relived all of those emotions and they all make me sad and the urge is stronger now than before. infact my razors are sitting before me, and i am contemplaiting where to cut myself. leg? thigh? shoulder? wrist? hip? someone please just talk to me.