Why is it always the ones that i want to like that I hate?

[LateForTheSky]

why is it that the one guy I feel different about (Not just a crush, I know the differance I have had many) not like me and why is he such a homophobe. It makes me cry myself to sleep and I feel that I will never be accepted for who I am. I have felt like this for a long time I even was thinking of suecide then bailed out at the last minute. But i was so close to doing it that i scared myself. I had to hide the blades from myself, I dont want to feel like this and then I read all the stories on the internet about how the main character always gets to go with the guy he loves and hey are always so happy. Then i read the depressing ones and it fills my head and eats away then I start to feel the emotions of the character. It keeps happening to me over and over. I have very few better days and thats what they are better days not good ones. I always feel down. I feel my friends are starting to ignore me. I told this guy i was gay and hes been really supportive but now I feel attracted to him, I think he maybe picked something up as I feel hes becoming more distant each day. And thats only one of my friends. My phelosephy is to change with the time but now things are changing for the worse and i dont want to go there i want to go back to when i was born and redo it all again not be the person that i am. I dont want to be me! :(

[byee]

Unfortunately, there's no 'do over' in life, you have to press forward, and hopefully apply what you've learned along the way. Are you doing that?

I think finding love and companionship is difficult at best, this isn't a 'gay' issue (although being a gay teen complicates things), and although it's understandable to want that closeness and companionship, in your case maybe it's not worth it right now. Sometimes, just taking control of things and deciding that you're going to wait takes some of the anxiety and sadness away, if you're not hoping and expecting, then maybe you'll be able to focus on the things in your life that are worthwhile and you have some control over.

Often, when people stop looking and trying so hard to find someone they do. Maybe the expectation and the hope often get in the way. When it's supposed to happen, when the right person is there for you, you'll know. Until then, maybe you should find happiness in other, less intense areas of your life.

[LateForTheSky]

Unfortunately, there's no 'do over' in life, you have to press forward, and hopefully apply what you've learned along the way. Are you doing that?

I think finding love and companionship is difficult at best, this isn't a 'gay' issue (although being a gay teen complicates things), and although it's understandable to want that closeness and companionship, in your case maybe it's not worth it right now. Sometimes, just taking control of things and deciding that you're going to wait takes some of the anxiety and sadness away, if you're not hoping and expecting, then maybe you'll be able to focus on the things in your life that are worthwhile and you have some control over.

Often, when people stop looking and trying so hard to find someone they do. Maybe the expectation and the hope often get in the way. When it's supposed to happen, when the right person is there for you, you'll know. Until then, maybe you should find happiness in other, less intense areas of your life.

It's because I'm gay that I feel this way, its always on my mind and the guy I like is my every second thought. And as you said being gay makes it harder, I'm going to have to come out if i want to find someone. That makes me feel scared and alone and that no one can help. It's not expectations just hopes and deams, you hear about the latest couple in your family getting a house to geather starting a family living happily ever after. Why is it so bloody difficault, having to watch your choice of words having to pretend u like girls infront of your family. Thats why I attempted suecide because I can't get away from it and that I will always be rejected. Happens with family, friends, school clubcs. The only one I got in was a band one because I was the best out the lot by far. It just seems that im always being let down and torn apart by my emotions. ALL BECAUSE IM GAY

[byee]

How old are you?

I understand what you're saying, but I still really like what I said, i think it's applicable. But I'll expand on it.

Being gay presents with alot of challenges, one of which is getting comfortable with who you are, and finding those who will accpet you as you are. It's really sad so many people see 'gay' before they see the 'person'. it's not like you made a conscious choice here, you're just being who you are. However, teenagers are rather unforgiving of those who are diferent. And parents, too.

The solution? Well, work on accepting yourelf, remember you're more than gay. Work on that, appreciate those other qualities. Then, (and this is a really big one), remember that adolescence and all the insecurity that gives rise to the really outrageous social 'rules' and cinduct that follows is, mercifully, temporary. I hear that adults are far more tolerant, or at least they're more inhibited with their feelings. This makes it easier to find those people who can appreciate 'the person' as well as, or maybe in spite of, the 'gay' part.

A lot of good advice often comes down to 'hanging in there', and 'working on other things'. Sometimes just planning for a better tomorrow gets one thru a lousy today.

[LateForTheSky]

How old are you?

I understand what you're saying, but I still really like what I said, i think it's applicable. But I'll expand on it.

Being gay presents with alot of challenges, one of which is getting comfortable with who you are, and finding those who will accpet you as you are. It's really sad so many people see 'gay' before they see the 'person'. it's not like you made a conscious choice here, you're just being who you are. However, teenagers are rather unforgiving of those who are diferent. And parents, too.

The solution? Well, work on accepting yourelf, remember you're more than gay. Work on that, appreciate those other qualities. Then, (and this is a really big one), remember that adolescence and all the insecurity that gives rise to the really outrageous social 'rules' and cinduct that follows is, mercifully, temporary. I hear that adults are far more tolerant, or at least they're more inhibited with their feelings. This makes it easier to find those people who can appreciate 'the person' as well as, or maybe in spite of, the 'gay' part.

A lot of good advice often comes down to 'hanging in there', and 'working on other things'. Sometimes just planning for a better tomorrow gets one thru a lousy today.

I understand what your saying and I have tried talking to people but a lot of my most trusting friends dont want to hear about it. I keep confusing myself by accepting myself one minute then hating myself the next. And i am 13, I know what your thinking ur 13 so much is going through ur head and u have hormones in the way but it feels like i keep slipping into depretion for months at a time and I have been like that since i was a child.

[byee]

No, I wouldn't dismiss your experience because you're 13. If anything, being 13 intensifies it all.

First, I think most of your friends don't know what to say to you, this isn't the typical stuff 13's talk about. But, you don't really need to talk with them about this, anyway. Yeah, i know it would be nice to get that support, but there are other ways of getting it, like talking about other things, hanging out, doing things, you know, having fun, enjoying their company. Maybe it would be best to just put all of this on hold for awhile, and do the other things 13 does. Can you do that? You're more than gay, you know.

What exactly is it about yourself that you cannot accept, btw?

[LateForTheSky]

No, I wouldn't dismiss your experience because you're 13. If anything, being 13 intensifies it all.

First, I think most of your friends don't know what to say to you, this isn't the typical stuff 13's talk about. But, you don't really need to talk with them about this, anyway. Yeah, i know it would be nice to get that support, but there are other ways of getting it, like talking about other things, hanging out, doing things, you know, having fun, enjoying their company. Maybe it would be best to just put all of this on hold for awhile, and do the other things 13 does. Can you do that? You're more than gay, you know.

What exactly is it about yourself that you cannot accept, btw?

I find it hard to accept the fact that all brothers and sisters, cousons and a like are happily with each other and are soon or all ready are starting a family of their own and being happy. Were as i will always be the one who isnt the godfather to my nephews and neices, always the one that is different in the family. It just wont be the same, right now im treated like everyone else in the family i dont want all that to change and i know it will as u see my CLOSE realatives are not homophobic but a bit ignorant to the world. They wouldnt understand they are really nice people but they wouldnt know how to react with someone like me. Their family is a very FAMILY like family. its all do well in life met a girl start a family that sort of thing. I know what your saying about friends but friends seem to get more distant the more i spend time with them. Theres oly one who dosnt do that and well hes a bit immature for me a mean i still love him to bits as a friend but hes a bit shy and not very understanding. I keep finding myself falling into depression all the time, every 6 months or so it happens and it takes me months sometimes years to come out of it. It makes me feel alone no matter how many people are around me. The way I see it theres nothing I can do but wait until I'm an adault everything is a bit more civilizeed. I dream of coming out and telling everyone so they would know who i am but then i know how a lot of them would react and I cant physically or emotionaly deal with that. I cry myself to sleep for god sake, I hate this and I just want to escape.

[byee]

What will make it better for you, what do you need? What will make you feel better?

I'd like to think that those that know you and are fortunate to have a relationship with you real time (you seem like a really neat guy) will take your sexuality in stride. I think they might not be as hard on you as you are on yourself. You really are more than just gay. It's just a part of yor existence.
It's taking on too much significance now, you need to come up with a way to put it back into perspective, as just a part of the overall package of LateForTheSky. It's really just the 'period' at the end, you've got this issue capitalized.

Self acceptance IS hard, but you're basing that acceptance on one criteria: Your gayness. There is more to you, I think it's really important to focus on that more, less on your sexuality (I know that's hard, esp. at 13, that's when the hormone thing kicks in and intensifies it all). Can you do that?

Being depressed for months at a time isn't good, can you talk with a professional? maybe a guidance counselor or other trusted adult? You might be able to get that relief from opening up to them. I think you need to get some of that, you're too alone with all this. Who can you go to?