Shade
December 28th, 2012, 10:38 PM
I still have nagging doubts that what I feel isn't 'bad enough' or can't be diagnosed as a mental disorder, but I'm done ignoring whatever is going on in my head. I would appreciate if anyone can relate or give possibilities as to what these symptoms could add up to.
For a few years now- since around age 11- I've been having these difficult mood swings. I can be perfectly fine and feel balanced and happy, when all of a sudden my emotions take a 180' turn. Even if everything is going well, I'll fall into this pit of emotional distraught and pain. It's like this fog settles in and I'm lost without a sense of reality or direction. Nothing seems to make sense and I go through daily life in a haze. It'll peak and that's when I get suicidal thoughts because it feels like nothing matters anyways. Things get complicated when this leads to me relapsing into cutting and intense feelings of self-loathing.
However, that being said, these downward swings aren't always so severe. Sometimes I'll just be tired and upset for no reason and it'll last a week, or I'll feel suicidal for a day and it'll be gone after that.
Then, the down is usually followed by an up. I'll start to feel better and my mood will increase until I feel on top of the world. I will completely ignore my previous episode, feeling like things could never go wrong again. I'm always extremely optimistic at this time, but my emotions still fluctuate. I can be very irritable and if someone brings up something that could dampen my mood, I get flares of anger that disappear in just a few moments to be replaced with giddiness again. This lasts for a few days and then, finally, I can feel my emotions balance out and my reality returning.
I've looked into many things online, and I'm positive this isn't bi-polar. During the bad times- if things aren't too bleak- I can usually put up a good fight to maintain some grip on reality and make it through. I'll just end up feeling too down to do homework and usual things like that, finding it hard to keep up with everyday life. During the high times, I don't usually do anything stupid, but I do develop a false sense of security. I'll take on so many things at once that I'll burn myself out, or I'll just ignore the fact that I could have an issue that needs dealing with.
I apologize this is so long, but if you have taken the time to read and consider this, then I thank you.
For a few years now- since around age 11- I've been having these difficult mood swings. I can be perfectly fine and feel balanced and happy, when all of a sudden my emotions take a 180' turn. Even if everything is going well, I'll fall into this pit of emotional distraught and pain. It's like this fog settles in and I'm lost without a sense of reality or direction. Nothing seems to make sense and I go through daily life in a haze. It'll peak and that's when I get suicidal thoughts because it feels like nothing matters anyways. Things get complicated when this leads to me relapsing into cutting and intense feelings of self-loathing.
However, that being said, these downward swings aren't always so severe. Sometimes I'll just be tired and upset for no reason and it'll last a week, or I'll feel suicidal for a day and it'll be gone after that.
Then, the down is usually followed by an up. I'll start to feel better and my mood will increase until I feel on top of the world. I will completely ignore my previous episode, feeling like things could never go wrong again. I'm always extremely optimistic at this time, but my emotions still fluctuate. I can be very irritable and if someone brings up something that could dampen my mood, I get flares of anger that disappear in just a few moments to be replaced with giddiness again. This lasts for a few days and then, finally, I can feel my emotions balance out and my reality returning.
I've looked into many things online, and I'm positive this isn't bi-polar. During the bad times- if things aren't too bleak- I can usually put up a good fight to maintain some grip on reality and make it through. I'll just end up feeling too down to do homework and usual things like that, finding it hard to keep up with everyday life. During the high times, I don't usually do anything stupid, but I do develop a false sense of security. I'll take on so many things at once that I'll burn myself out, or I'll just ignore the fact that I could have an issue that needs dealing with.
I apologize this is so long, but if you have taken the time to read and consider this, then I thank you.