Review?

[MichaelJM]

I was wondering if anybody could review a story of mine(on DeviantART) and could give me a few pointers, or anyways I could correct my grammar(which I'll admit, isn't the best.).

Here are the links to each of the stories(there are four total.).

The Life of Nick Angeles Ch. 01 (http://greenking13.deviantart.com/art/The-Life-of-Nick-Angeles-Ch-1-201361984)

The Life of Nick Angeles Ch. 02 (http://greenking13.deviantart.com/art/The-Life-of-Nick-Angeles-Ch-2-201375939)

The Life of Nick Angeles Ch. 03 (http://greenking13.deviantart.com/art/The-Life-of-Nick-Angeles-Ch-3-203225626)

The Life of Nick Angeles Ch. 04 (http://greenking13.deviantart.com/art/The-Life-of-Nick-Angeles-Ch-4-242671587)

Thank you to the ones who post/review my stories.

[Emerald Dream]

I like some of the ideas you have in this story.

You do a good thing by hooking the reader immediately, and making them a part of the story. It makes me wonder..."just how exactly am I involved?" I'm actually interested to see exactly what character the reader ends up being (if any).

There are a couple of things that bother me, though (sorry for little criticisms!) - Chapter 1 is very, very, very cliche. It's cookie-cutter and I could even say it's similar to Harry Potter. Whether it's caretakers or parents that leave a child at an orphanage/distant relative's home (so the child won't know of the "other world")...it's pretty much the same thing.

Also, how does Nick know what the note says (the one that the parents left with him on the doorstep)? Shouldn't this be a major discovery that is written about? It should at least be touched upon...I find it weird that he automatically knows.

I can overlook some spelling and grammar when the story is engaging - which, it is. You may want to run it through a spell check in the future though. It only takes a few seconds.

[MichaelJM]

Yeah, I noticed that, do you any suggestions on how to rewrite that or should I just touch it up a bit?

Hmm...telepathy? Lol, no I'm thinking maybe she told him about the note?

Also I do use spell check, but guess I have to go over it again.

Any suggestions in general?

EDIT: Maybe I didn't spell check it...at all.

[Emerald Dream]

The note thing should be a major discovery in the beginning part of the book. Otherwise I don't understand how the main character knows he is different. I wouldn't do a rewrite, but it should somehow be worked in there. I understand the story being "rushed," but that at least should be explained. :)

[highschooler]

REVIEW: The Life of Nick Angeles...Chapter 1
PLEASE REALIZE: I can be harsh and nitpicking, but I only do this to make sure that you have the best story possible. As the News Editor of my school paper and an avid writer, I like to think I know something about writing style and grammar, but if you disagree with a change I make, that’s fine...it’s your story! Thanks, and happy new year.

-Good epigraph.

-“In front of a orphanage two people were stealthily sneaking with a bundle in one of the persons arms.”
-“a orphanage” should be “an orphanage”
-“two people” change to “two shadowy figures”
-“stealthily sneaking” change to “sneaking stealthily”
-“one of the persons arms” sounds awkward. Change to “in the first one’s arms.”/ “in the tall one’s arms.” Whatever you prefer.

-“They Finally arrive at the orphanage, positive that no-one saw them.”
>Finally should start the sentence.
>Arrive should be past tense.
>Change second half of sentence to “positive that they went unseen.”
>Also, if they were in front of the orphanage in the last paragraph, then how did they finally arrive?

-“Now noticeable, there was a child in the bundle.”
>Not necessary. It’s obvious that there’s a child inside without this sentence.
-Also...in the next few sentences, you refer to the child as “it,” but refer to the child as “he” just sentences later. Change “it” to “he,” it sounds better, and you’re not trying to conceal it, so it works out fine plot-wise. From here on out, change “the two people” to “the two parents.”

-“The two people looked at each other uncertainly, for they knew that if they had kept the child with them, he might be better prepared, but that this way was better, so he didn't learn who he was... and hopefully, the ones that would be after him, wouldn't find him here.”
>Change to “The two parents looked at each-other with uncertainty, for though they knew that keeping the child would leave him better prepared, but so too did they accept that this way was better. This way he didn’t need to know who he was. This way, they hoped, they wouldn’t find him.” End the paragraph here; everything beyond this point is unnecessary.

-Cut out “was terribly saddened that she.” It’s not necessary. We know she’s sad because she’s crying.
-Change “she even” to simply “she.”

-“Carefully they stood back up and the man rang the doorbell and they both started running away, weaving through the cars and buildings until they were a good distance away, and finally the man cried, cried tears for their first child, who was still with them, cried tear for their second child, who they had to leave with strangers to keep him safe.”
>Change to “Carefully, they stood back up, the man rang the doorbell, and they both ran away. They weaved through the cars and buildings until, a good distance away from the orphanage, the father cried. He cried tears for their first child, still with them, and for their second child, left behind. Both with fates unknown, both with parents who struggled to keep them safe.”

-“Finally the man broke the silence with, "Ashley, sweety, it's better this way, he'll be safe, he will never know about the other world, he will not know about us and why we had to leave him. He'll have the luxury of never knowing", he finishes and starts to walk away. Ashley, follows.”
>Change to “Finally, he broke the silence.
‘Ashley, sweetie, it’s better this way. He’ll be safe. He will never know about the world; about us...and he will never need to know why we had to leave him. He’ll have the luxury of never knowing.’ He finished and began to walk away. Ashley followed behind.”

-You don’t need to include “(Back at the Orphanage).” We know.

-Eliminate the phrase “While I say.” You mean “Why I say,” which you shouldn’t include anyway, because it’s unnecessary. Replace with simply “Why...”

-Add a question mark after “doorstep”

-Comma after the first “me” in the letter.

-Eliminate y’all. It is not proper English and ruins the suspenseful mood you have so well built up over the past few paragraphs.

-Replace the comma after “Do not blame them” with a semicolon or em dash.

-Insert the word “that” after “make sure”

-Eliminate “I might be rude later, but right now.” It is not necessary.

-Do not underline the last part. Only underline “ever”

-Change “She looks” to “She looked”

-Eliminate “, Nicholas,” It is not necessary.

-“How does it sound, does Nick sound better", as i the child understands her, he nods and starts to grab her hand.”
>Change to: “ ‘How does it sound, Nick? Does Nick sound better?’
As if he understands, the child nods and grabs the woman’s chubby finger.
‘Yes...Nick Angeles. Nick sounds better indeed.’”

-Do not include apostrophes around Alejandra’s thoughts. Also, I think she should be Sister Alejandra, a nun, but it’s your story. Also, for future reference, period goes inside the apostrophe, or quotation mark for that matter.

-Remove the phrase “but is confused on the inside” We know she is...so are we.

-“She shakes her head clear and starts to walk to the nursery and gently puts Nick in a crib and smiles at Nick and gently puts a blanket over him.”
>“She shakes her head clear and walks to the nursery. She gently puts Nick in a crib and smiles lovingly.”
>Remove the phrase about the blanket. In case you didn’t know, babies don’t sleep with blankets, because they might choke. They would be in a warm one-zy...so if you want you could include that instead.

-“Nick for that matter, with not a care in his world, falls asleep soundly...”
>Change to “Nick, for his part, and without a care in his little world, fell soundly asleep.”

-Don’t include the piece in Italics at the bottom...but I don’t think you meant to, anyway.

OVERALL REVIEW:
The story is good. It draws you in and makes you want to keep reading. Your spelling is good. Your grammar leaves a little to be desired, especially in the realm of verb continuity. You often switch from past to present tense, and should work on that. Also, many of your sentences tend to sound awkward and forced. Try to work on that. You do a good job showing detail, but then immediately re-tell it. Cut out the telling, the showing is good enough to serve the purpose. Try to expand your adjective vocabulary. Some words can be overused. I will review Chapter Two Next, and I look forward to reading it.
-E.B. 1-2-13

[highschooler]

REVIEW: The Life of Nick Angeles Ch. 2

-Stop with the Italic text.

-“semi-walk/semi-waddle” sounds bad. Switch to “waddle” or “walk haphazardly”

-Remove “Although it was” Start sentence as “Confusing almost all of the adults at the the orphanage...”

-Change to “abnormally fast pace”

-Somewhat is one word. No hyphen.

-“ Nick could already speak in some-what good sentences, he could almost write, at the moment he scribbles the words more, he almost fully understood the adults as they talked.”
>Change to: “Nick could almost speak is nearly-full sentences, and though at that time he only scribbled, he was on his way to actual writing as well. When the adults spoke, Nick Angeles understood every word.”

-Remove “It was...his family” This is unnecessary.

-Remove “While the...passed years” Start the sentence at “He showed...”

-Replace the comma after intelligence with a semicolon.

-Remove the word “But” and use “...surprising thing, though, was the...”

-“ It was maybe half an hour when Alejandra found him drawing on it.”
>Change to “A half-hour had passed before Alejandra found him drawing with them.”

-Remove “The way...got surprised.” This sentence is an incomplete phrase and not necessary.

-Change “was of” to “featured her”

-Stop switching tenses!!! Change “looks” to “looked”

-Remove her thoughts. We know what she’s thinking and how she feels. In fact, remove that entire paragraph.
>Replace with “Suddenly, the doorbell rang.”

-STOP SWITCHING TENSES!!! PROOFREAD!!!

-Insert a hyphen between “lawyer” and “looking”

-Change “brown-blond” to “dirty blond”

-“ She was about the same height as Nick, who was at the time was about 3 and a one third feet. The small girls had a simple overalls on and a small shirt beneath it.”
>Change to: “She was about the same height as Nick at that time; just over three feet. The small girl had on a pair of simple overalls and a small shirt underneath.”

-Switch “confusingly” (which is barely a word) to “with bewilderment,”

-Replace the comma after confusingly with a semicolon.

-Remove the sentence “ ‘Might I ask why you are here,’ she asks the man.”
>For one, you SWITCH TO PRESENT TENSE AGAIN!!!
>For two, it’s an orphanage and he has a kid with him. We know exactly why he’s here. Wait for him to explain further.

- “The man clears his throat and then begins, "well you see this child, Sara, parents were killed in a car accident, she herself was in the car and was the only one alive, while all her family was killed on impact, she survived, but has amnesia and doesn't remember anything that happened before it happened. In the parents will it said that the girl was to come live at this orphanage. It had very ew reasons as to why, but the one that we can understand is that her parents friends had a child here and in case of death that she was to immediately come here to live", he finishes and then starts to lean against the brickwork.”
>Change to: “ The man cleared his throat. ‘Well you see, Ma’am, this child, Sara...well, her parents were killed in a car accident, and while all of her family was killed on impact, she survived. But she has amnesia, and doesn't remember anything that happened before the accident. In the parents’ Will, it says that the girl was to come live at this orphanage. It had very few reasons as to why, but the one that we can understand is that her parents’ friends left a child here, and, in case of death, she was to immediately come here to live,’ He finished, and leaned against the brickwork.”
>Also...YOU SWITCH TENSES!!!
>Amnesia, really? Very, very cliché.

-Switch around the word order to “Alejandra looks at the child again, this time with suspicious eyes.”

-Switch “Then she” to “She then”

-“Real quickly” is not proper English. Drop the “real” Use quickly only.

-Eliminate “in his pocket.” We know where he’s putting it back to.

-Eliminate “and then behind her.” How would he know that Nick is behind her.

-Eliminate “he then looks back at her and says.” It makes the sentence a run-on. End the first sentence with “...Angeles.” and start a new paragraph with “I am sorry...”

-End the sentence with “...stuff on it.” Start a new sentence with “Good day.” Start another new sentence with “He walks...”

-“ he walks up to a pure black car and gets in it and drives away.”
>Change to: “He walked up to a pitch black car, got in, and drove away.”

-Change “with a shocked expression” to “with an expression of shock”

-Change “of her expression” to “of her face at that moment,” otherwise, you would be overusing the word ‘expression.’

-Change “packet” to “pocket.” This shows why you can’t just spell-check...you have to really proofread!

-“ But with one thing different. Off to the side the was a girl looking around in wonder. In the picture there was a smudge where Sarah was...”
> “She took out the picture once more. Off to the side, where Sara now stood, there was a smudge of ink. Had she made it with her sweaty finger, thought Alejandra, or had it been there the whole time?”

-Remove the italics. They sound cliché, besides, you’d never see them in a real book.

***

OVERALL...
-Quotes begin a new paragraph!

-You tend to use run-on sentences where quotes are involved. Work on this, please.

-Stop switching tenses!!!
>I’m starting to think you want to stay in present tense, which is risky, but fine...Just make sure you change all the past tense in the first section and in this one! Also, using three years later and the present tense really doesn’t work.

-Stop using “starts to/begins to” this is almost passive. Use the verb itself.
I’ll review Chapter Three next...But I might wait till tomorrow. Don’t be alarmed.

-Also, I have to agree...It's beginning to sound 1/2 Harry Potter, 1/2 Cliche. Sorry.

-E.B.—1-2-13

[MichaelJM]

Why, it probably does.(I forget what I meant.)
I've only read your first post so far(because I've went back and worked what you said into it.
I've noticed one thing though, when we take out y'all(which, yes I have a probably with.) we put nothing in to fix that gap.

My parents couldn't support me, so left me with(()) so i can be properly cared for.

That (()) is the gap obviously.

And I did mean to include the bottom italics part, it goes with the top part, because more of this is past tense because these are all letters.
Adjectives, I will work on, any online or books you might recommend for that(besides a dictionary ofc)?
I have a problem with run-on sentences, I need to work on that.

I know I have a problem with almost all punctuation, but can never find any good resources on them, any suggestions(or can you give advice on that?)?

I'm going to ask a friend to see how it sounds now, she has been following this since my first draft of it.

I'll start going over the second one, but first I have to make sure I capitalized everything that needed capitalized, and put the correct words in the first one.

EDIT:
Also, I wanted to say two things.
The first is that thanks for the revision help! The second is that the world needs nitpickers, otherwise we wouldn't have such awesome food!(yes, I know that doesn't make much sense.)

Thank you.

[highschooler]

That sounds great.

In terms of sources for adjectives, I can't really suggest anything except to read more good modern fiction. I suggest Harold and Maude by Colin Higgins, The Swell Season by Josef Skvorecky and maybe even A Star Called Henry by Roddy Doyle.

In terms of sources for grammar, the ultimate authority has been and always will be The Elements of Style by E.B. White and William Strunk, Jr. Online, I suggest Grammar Girl. A friend of mine on the school paper swears by her rules.

Also, it's great to have others who are familiar with your work look at the story. As I said, I'll review Chapters 3 & 4 probably tomorrow or the next day. I like doing this editing, so feel free to post other work and I'll give it a shot.

[MichaelJM]

Thanks, but the only other work that can be revised is something in which I'm still writing(well, I guess it can be revised, it's also on my deviant account.).

Alright, I'll check those out.
Nobody is really familiar with my work.(except possibly people who I RP with, but that's something else)

Hmm, I don't suppose you could help fix this?

Angel (http://browse.deviantart.com/#/d3e5z6p):eek:
(FYI, I'm not serious, nobody could fix that. I hold a pen, not a paintbrush.)

[MichaelJM]

A few things about the second one.((Sorry for the double post.))

-Change to “abnormally fast pace”
I am guessing that you meant the section of my text that says "at a faster rate than was normal"?

-"...almost speak is nearly-full..."
It is "in".

I thought it would be useful to say all of this now, but this is all in past tense, each story I've written so far is in past tense. (it might change to present tense in a while, but I am unsure about it.)

Also I have got to say, that out of all the errors you pointed out so far, this one is the one I am most ashamed of.
-Change “brown-blond” to “dirty blond”
(I am a dirty blond, and isn't it blonde because of her?)

Hmm, I remember what my first sentence in a previous post meant.
It does sound a bit cliche, doesn't it? I also wrote this story when I was about 14 years old(and I was a reader, not much of a writer, although I still do have a problem with run-on sentences.)

Hmm, I know about proofreading it, but I have never gotten around to it, thank you for pointing it out.

Also, I am starting to think, that I should take out the italics part, and just leave two of them in. The first one, and the one that is going to be the very last one(Which I haven't written yet.)

If you want, after we finish updating/revising this story, we could try one of my newer stories(Which I think needs a new name.). But first this one.

Thanks,

-Michael

[MichaelJM]

Bump.

[Emerald Dream]

I'm interested to read more if you have it, Michael. I like the idea of your story.

[MichaelJM]

Besides those four chapters, none of the story is written down anywhere(I so far haven't had time to continue writing), but if you'd like I can message you when I do get another chapter up,(or you can just watch my deviant account.) okay?

The story goes along similar lines as most sappy novels, just more action and my favorite superpower(yeah, I know, it's a strange power.)
As soon as I get internet at my house, I am going to start writing chapters.

[MichaelJM]

Bump.

Highschooler, where are you???

[MichaelJM]

Insanely old thread bump. (Sorry, for bumping, but I do still want to finish revising this.)