I need some help wth forgiveness after a huge mistake..

[KenobiGirl93]

Kind of long, but please read it and give me advice::
My boyfriend and I are in college. He has always had extremely bad depression his whole life and it's made our relationship difficult at times. we are both committed to abstinence and we are saving ourselves for marriage-to each other. :) We broke up for about a month and a half in October/November because he needed to get his life sorted out a little before we could keep being together healthily. Well, he just told me today that on this break when he was suicidal and thought he was going to die, one of his sex-crazy friends talked him into having sex with him. He figured, "I'm going to die anyways, I'm a virgin, so sure whatever." And he had sex and gave his virginity to a slut, basically. He was also drinking at the time of it, so his judgment was super off.
So, I never liked this Mercedes (the other girl) girl since I first met her. All she talked about was sex and getting drunk.
When my boyfriend told me today, he said that he was "so so so soooo sorry. I feel so horrible. I don't even remember it, but I know it happened. I don't want to believe it happened. I feel so dirty and used and broken." I guess that sounds cliché but this guy is really the nicest and he would never do anything like that.. or I thought he wouldn't.
I've basically done the exact same thing, though. When I was in high school I gave my virginity to a guy who talked me into having sex with him and I felt totally used and dirty and broken, also. So, forgiving him and understanding him is all there, I just don't know how to talk about it with him now. We're on winter break in different places now but I want to call him and help him ask God for forgiveness. Like, with a prayer or something that we could say together.
I also want to help him become born again and a secondary-virgin. I've told him that what I am and I've done, and I want to help him, too.
Christians, what should I do in this situation? I can forgive him (he'll probably be in disbelief about that..), but does anyone have some advice for me?
He really was suicidal, he wanted to die, so he gave in "just to know what it was like." That's not me defending him, but I understand.
Please, any advice at ALL is welcome!!

Thank you!

[FreeFall]

The first step in all of this, especially for you, is not confusing this as her taking complete advantage of him. You have to accept and understand that he knew 100% what he was doing, drink or no drink. Yes, she took advantage of him with his drink and his low depression point, but he willingly knew and did it according to your "just to see it". So do not push aside his moment of volunteering for it as him having bad judgement in a drink.

Second step, forget working together right now. That's selfish of you right now. Focus on helping him and his depression.
He needs help. He thought about killing himself. He was going to it seems, maybe sex snapped him out of it and made him say, oh wait.
How are you even focusing on being boyfriend and girlfriend? My biggest concern and first priority would be his rock and be the one who has the ability to convince him to seek higher forms of therapy, counseling, medication.

You make no mention of him getting help for depression. You make no mention of trying to help him. You do mention though that his depression caused problems for you too. Depressed people cannot help themselves, half the time they only make themselves feel worse because they get frustrated. They have to want to be helped, and go seek it. They have to believe and know that they can and will get "better" and be able to live a functional life, better than the place they're at.

Being a girlfriend and being a boyfriend can wait. Being a second born virgin of the north star can wait.
Your only view right now needs to be helping him in his life, getting him to a better place, even if you won't be there later, help him in fighting his depression. That is being a girlfriend.

God could help. But don't rely solely on spiritual help if he is not 100% spiritual like yourself. A religious man can only do so much help for a person that is not 100% by their side.

So quit focusing on "Mercedes is a dirty nasty girl". Quit focusing on "we can still be virgins". Quit focusing on, "I can forgive you for your bad judgement, besides we were broken up at the time". And quit focusing on "making us work".

Focus on the man who needs you. He cannot fight his depression alone. And unless you give more details about that, my stand is this, help him in his awful struggle and you can find out how the rest of the problems you have work.

[KenobiGirl93]

You make no mention of him getting help for depression. You make no mention of trying to help him. You do mention though that his depression caused problems for you too. Depressed people cannot help themselves, half the time they only make themselves feel worse because they get frustrated. They have to want to be helped, and go seek it. They have to believe and know that they can and will get "better" and be able to live a functional life, better than the place they're at.


Focus on the man who needs you. He cannot fight his depression alone. And unless you give more details about that, my stand is this, help him in his awful struggle and you can find out how the rest of the problems you have work.

Hi, your response was helpful.
So, yes he is on an anti-depressant medication. And when we're at school, he goes to see his counselor weekly. And we've spent so many late nights talking together. So he IS getting better with his depression, but since he just told me this today it's been kind of a couple steps backward for our relationship.
Because we relate to each other so well, and we are more like best friends, being his girlfriend through this ordeal doesn't really compare to the other things we've been through concerning his depression.
He wants to get better and he is, but since we've talked today he feels like he "ruined our relationship" and that I should break up with him already.
I don't know how to deal with this, I can't accept it yet.
I told him today that I need space and will talk to him when I feel better about him and us and me.
I just don't know what to do..

[FreeFall]

He thinks the relationship was ruined by him, he wants it to end.
You're unsure and feel you two are better as best friends than girlfriend and boyfriend.

The wavelength between you two is indeed off and if you two can't figure out how to synchronize or which wave length is even best for the two of you, you'll just have some fun, fun, fun, fights and clashing to come.

First there isn't much you can do in this case besides talk and hope he understands.

He's the one who feels he goofed. He's the one who feels he ruined it. He's the one who feels the relationship is done and you're hurting.

You want to work on it, work it out, all that. Unless/until he is able to move past guilting himself and feeling like you're waiting to beat him with nails and bats, there's no hope. A relationship cannot exist when one person is putting forth the effort and commitment, that's just called loneliness.

If you want this to work;
Show him you've accepted what happened, but that it will not negatively effect your relationship.
Don't even talk about how you feel about this girl. That will pile on more guilt because not only would he have not saved himself for you, he would have not saved himself for you with a dirty skank ho. The girl doesn't exist in the problem you're trying to help, so don't bring her up.
He knows you're not happy about it, but assure him that you're happy he was honest instead of lying/hiding it. Assure him you treasure honesty as much as, if not more, than sexual purity.
Besides, you two still have the first time you both will have sex together. That in itself will be bond strengthening, and a renewal of the first for you both and your relationship. So he, and you, have this exciting new moment, completely new for both of you as you explore each others' vulnerability, emotions and body together for the first time in this way.
Remind him you two were broken up. There was no certain guarantee you two would ever reconnect, just hope and assumption, but that it wasn't written in ancient stone. Tell him that his returning and him feeling this way is a very great sign. That he cares for you, the relationship and has the drive for the commitment. That while you two may have loved each other at the time, you two were in agreement for that time, that the commitment and promises made to each other were void, "turned off" for that time. He was free and he had the space, he can't beat himself up for it.
You cannot hang this over his head or remind him of the time he had sex when he wasn't your boyfriend. You can only prove how you're going to use this incident as a springboard for you two to strengthen yourselves and the relationship.

Now, had he cheated on you, I'd be playing a completely different tune. But since you two were not in a formalized commitment to each other during the time, it's almost like a resting period. Also, if he hasn't said he used protection, gently find a way to ask him about STDs. The girl you described sounds like she gets around too often to be...pleasant.

good luck : D