Tristin.
December 18th, 2012, 04:59 PM
I felt here was the most appropriate place to post this. Also i fear i may have rambled. This did have a point to it but it may be lost now
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Have you ever felt a boredom that appears to envelop every aspect and vestibule of your life? A boredom that sweeps across your mind like locust across a corn field; devouring and destroying all the growth and life it touch's? I have.
For what was the majority of my early teens and indeed up until my mid teens my life was ruled daily by an ever lasting, all encompassing boredom that no event could hinder. Of course I laughed, smiled, in fact I even felt happy. Yet still this boredom was present, a general feeling of apathy to everything around me. In my mid teens I learned that this boredom i was feeling was actually a depression brought on by a mixture of growing self hatred and the lack of any concept of family or parental input.
My depression led to me down a path of what some would call self-destruction, others would call it 'typical teenager', some would label it as 'wild child'. I saw it and still see it as a time in my life where i would do anything to get a thrill; anything to break the unending monotony of that all encompassing boredom. Although i was at school i would drink til i could not walk and regularly attend classes hungover and occasionally drunk. I started smoking and i started cutting as both these things were new things to me, each one bringing its own unique buzz, however short lived they were. However, as became commonplace, these things soon also lost their buzz and just became another dull norm in my life.
Now, attending a school where you board does lead to some interesting after lights-out activities and typical of teenage boys, hormones start flying. Being known to be gay led me down some interesting paths that brought a buzz like no other to me. Boys who were 'straight' were soon asking for favours and help with their 'needs' and so, i obliged. However, sex of any nature soon gets dull when it is an almost nightly event. By this point i felt as if the boredom was winning and that nothing was bringing me that illusive 'buzz' anymore. That was when the games began.
Now, as i previously stated, i had a deep self hatred of myself brought on by the image i felt i had to maintain, the masks i had to wear and the loss of dignity brought on by the 'favours' for the boys. This self hatred started to warp itself into a twisted sense of self worth; with me still hating myself, yet also seeing myself as superior to others. After a few failed relationships where i was hurt and played with, i became cynical of emotions and decided to act on this twisted sense of superiority. Enter the mind games. I discovered that i could play with people, tease them and work them like puty in my hands. I made boys long for me, only to throw them back and degrade them when they felt they were close. I would hurt people and rip them apart just because i could, because it made me feel powerful, because it proved my superiority. Because it gave me the illusive Buzz. I did this for so long, leaving nothing but a trail of pain behind me. I saw it and laughed, because i was superior, i was getting the Buzz. That was when i learned how much of a bitch Karma was. I finally hurt one of my oldest friends, a boy who i love. That showed me what i was doing to people and it showed me it was wrong.
I started to change and worked to stop being the heartless bastard who played with people. Slowly i rebuilt what i had been too blind to notice i was loosing. I left school and took a year out to sort out my life. I met a boy who at first i was apprehensive towards and cynical of; yet slowly he showed me what it was to trust people again. And, for the first time in a long time, i didn't feel the boredom. I was free of it.
That was until a few days ago. I felt it coming back stronger than before. So much for the 8 months of freedom from it. I had made an effort to stop drinking as often and as much, but that collapsed a few days ago. As did my streak without self harming. The strength of this renewed bout of boredom led me to trying new things to get a buzz last night. I won't go into details, but lets say my body did not agree with my attempt to gain stop the boredom. I even thought about playing mind games again. It would be easy.
Maybe this boredom is something i can't kill and possibly in a sick sense of irony, that is not what scares me. What scares me is the thought that this boredom may eventually kill me.
_________________________________________________________________
Have you ever felt a boredom that appears to envelop every aspect and vestibule of your life? A boredom that sweeps across your mind like locust across a corn field; devouring and destroying all the growth and life it touch's? I have.
For what was the majority of my early teens and indeed up until my mid teens my life was ruled daily by an ever lasting, all encompassing boredom that no event could hinder. Of course I laughed, smiled, in fact I even felt happy. Yet still this boredom was present, a general feeling of apathy to everything around me. In my mid teens I learned that this boredom i was feeling was actually a depression brought on by a mixture of growing self hatred and the lack of any concept of family or parental input.
My depression led to me down a path of what some would call self-destruction, others would call it 'typical teenager', some would label it as 'wild child'. I saw it and still see it as a time in my life where i would do anything to get a thrill; anything to break the unending monotony of that all encompassing boredom. Although i was at school i would drink til i could not walk and regularly attend classes hungover and occasionally drunk. I started smoking and i started cutting as both these things were new things to me, each one bringing its own unique buzz, however short lived they were. However, as became commonplace, these things soon also lost their buzz and just became another dull norm in my life.
Now, attending a school where you board does lead to some interesting after lights-out activities and typical of teenage boys, hormones start flying. Being known to be gay led me down some interesting paths that brought a buzz like no other to me. Boys who were 'straight' were soon asking for favours and help with their 'needs' and so, i obliged. However, sex of any nature soon gets dull when it is an almost nightly event. By this point i felt as if the boredom was winning and that nothing was bringing me that illusive 'buzz' anymore. That was when the games began.
Now, as i previously stated, i had a deep self hatred of myself brought on by the image i felt i had to maintain, the masks i had to wear and the loss of dignity brought on by the 'favours' for the boys. This self hatred started to warp itself into a twisted sense of self worth; with me still hating myself, yet also seeing myself as superior to others. After a few failed relationships where i was hurt and played with, i became cynical of emotions and decided to act on this twisted sense of superiority. Enter the mind games. I discovered that i could play with people, tease them and work them like puty in my hands. I made boys long for me, only to throw them back and degrade them when they felt they were close. I would hurt people and rip them apart just because i could, because it made me feel powerful, because it proved my superiority. Because it gave me the illusive Buzz. I did this for so long, leaving nothing but a trail of pain behind me. I saw it and laughed, because i was superior, i was getting the Buzz. That was when i learned how much of a bitch Karma was. I finally hurt one of my oldest friends, a boy who i love. That showed me what i was doing to people and it showed me it was wrong.
I started to change and worked to stop being the heartless bastard who played with people. Slowly i rebuilt what i had been too blind to notice i was loosing. I left school and took a year out to sort out my life. I met a boy who at first i was apprehensive towards and cynical of; yet slowly he showed me what it was to trust people again. And, for the first time in a long time, i didn't feel the boredom. I was free of it.
That was until a few days ago. I felt it coming back stronger than before. So much for the 8 months of freedom from it. I had made an effort to stop drinking as often and as much, but that collapsed a few days ago. As did my streak without self harming. The strength of this renewed bout of boredom led me to trying new things to get a buzz last night. I won't go into details, but lets say my body did not agree with my attempt to gain stop the boredom. I even thought about playing mind games again. It would be easy.
Maybe this boredom is something i can't kill and possibly in a sick sense of irony, that is not what scares me. What scares me is the thought that this boredom may eventually kill me.