Apathy Instead Of Love

[BlackieChan21E]

So this is mostly the story I told everyone and I consider it “The spark.”

It was one night in late April/ early May (I don’t remember which) of my Junior year. It was a Wednesday I am positive. Well that Wednesday night after RUSH(my youth group) and I was really depressed, I don’t remember exactly why… but at the same time I was already depressed from failing classes, being stuck in IB, failing my driving test (the 1st time, I passed the 2nd), because of my grades not being able to do track, not getting any acknowledgement for being on the swim team that year because I couldn’t complete the end of the season (but come one… I finished the whole main season, I just couldn’t continue on to regional’s or states), stuff going on at home, and whatever else.
I can’t remember exactly what set it all off though that I started to think of all this, I think it was my friend Cody telling me I was so awkward and I have no friends… but anyways, I went to bed that night about 11ish, and, I just gave in, all the stuff in my mind I been pushing to the back or trying to avoid just became too much for me. So I gave into my depression and let my mind do what it wanted.
Exactly why it decided to choose this topic I have no idea, but it did, and I just though; why am I so awkward and alone? Then my mind rushed back tons of memories. Most I had completely forgotten about. Then playing them one by one as if I was there reliving it, I was haunted by my past.

2nd Grade: I liked Arianna (I don’t remember her last name), and she didn’t like me back.
3rd Grade: I like Christina Shepards. I even gave her a ring for Valentine’s Day… But in front of me, she threw it on the ground. Clearly she didn’t like me back either.
4th Grade: I liked Sakura Haruno (NOT HER REAL NAME SILLY :P, But the person who this really is, after being sent this part of the story asked if I could change the name… So now she’s Sakura.) I asked her out countless numbers of times, but she would always say no, and would even hold it against me and say she’d go out with me if I helped her with something. B*tch. However she did become a “friend with benefits” and a “nemesis.” Multiple times that year she gave me head (which in a Christian view (Which I am) it was wrong, and I had latter (6th grade) learned was wrong and repented and kind of forgotten about/ just don’t care.) But yeah that happened at least once every month… But when she wasn’t blowing me off (sexually), she was often blowing me off (cold shoulder form) and being a witch. She would play pranks on me and talk about me. And she would only ask me to hang out when she was bored. Then after her “benefits” stopped, because we were getting older and she didn’t want to risk us ever actually having sex and her getting pregnant, she started a rumor that I was gay… IRONY… because what were you doing a couple of months before??? Oh yeah, blowing me off! But all in all, she was the closes thing I had to a relationship, and she became my first… and only person (besides like dares and stuff in truth or dare, but those don’t count.) I’ve kissed.
5th Grade: I saw Danielle Hardy. I started to like her, but I don’t think she even knew I existed.
6th Grade: I still liked Danielle when school started, and when my friends… “friends” (I use the term loosely) found out, they told me I should ask her out… So I did. She turned my down… but she did it kindly at least, but it still hurt some. But my “friends” told me to keep trying and not to take no for an answer. I, being stupid, optimistic, and gullible kept listening to my even stupider “friends.” Ultimately she rejected me 36(yes I remembered the exact number) times in about two months (Which is my fault for being stupid enough to keep listening to my “friends”, and keep asking.) Each time starting a small cut in my heart. After the 36th time I just gave up. The small cuts became a full cut.
Still 6th grade eventually after Danielle I started to get a minor crush on Jauquell (I think that’s how you spell her ghetto name). Then again listening to my “friends,” I asked her out too. Her exact words were “F*ck No!” as she bent over laughing so hard. In front of everyone… most of whom joined in with the laughing. It was that moment a large piece of my heart was cut off. From that day I still haven’t been able to ask another girl out, because I was afraid of the same thing happening.
7th Grade: In 7th grade I loved Jayln Hopkins. From the first day off class I couldn’t get her out my mind. Eventually I told her and anyone else how I felt about her. But I never asked her out, out of fear of rejection. She joined everyone else in teasing me, possibly becoming one of the worst. But even so I still bought her a teddy bear and flowers for Valentine’s Day. But eventually that year not even my stupid optimism could carry me any farther liking her.
The within the last month or so of school my world history teacher gave us new seats. I was placed between Casey Gardner and Michael Hopkins. Casey was one of the people who didn’t actually pick on me the last two years, and we grew close because of band. Michael, I actually didn’t have any feelings for at all I wouldn’t consider him a friend, but I didn’t dislike him, he was just kind of there… at first. Well within the few weeks I was we were sitting there we all became close and I started to like them both. Casey was so beautiful, funny and nice to me. Michael, actually started giving me lots of attention. More than anyone seemed to have been giving me in the last couple of years. The attention I wanted and finally made me feel good about myself as opposed to being depressed. He would give me complements every time he saw me and would focus on the little things about me I never even noticed… and he was already a really attractive guy. (Well he and Jayln are twins soooo… I guess it makes sense he would be.) Anyways over the summer we all stayed in touch and by the end of it found out that we were all going to be in the same class again. This would be the 3rd year in a row with Casey and the 2nd with Michael.
8th Grade: I literally have all except for one class with Casey, and half my classes are with Michael. Me and Casey got even closer, but when I told her how I felt about her, about a month into school, she gave me the “Let’s just be friends” speech (which actually didn’t turn out bad because we became best friends by the end of the year.) Michael on the other hand started to give me more attention. He also started to touch me a lot more which at first freaked me out, then I started to like, then by the end of the year really pissed me off and annoyed me. Also we would always make sure to call each other between 10 and 11 every night and we would just talk about the day and whatever else, and it would always end with a “Goodnight man, I love you,” which he actually started first. But anywhere, we got closer and once I spent the night over his house. He told me I could sleep in his bead and he would take the floor. So it’s about midnight and we finally go to sleep… well I’m up just thinking and he’s on the floor playing his PSP. When out of nowhere, he get under the covers and climbs into the bed next to me. (TF) and I just give him this “WTF” look and he just ignores me and keeps playing his PSP. After he’s there for a few minutes I get conflicted. A small part of me actually wanted to just scoot closer to him because I wanted to be near him. Another part was just curious what would happen if I did. But another part thought the whole thing was weird and disgusting. While another part of me remembered Casey’s advice with her to “Just stay friends.” So ultimately I just got as far away as I could from him in that bed and turned away. Anyways the year continues and ends. A week later since I was going to IB and both of them were going to tech, I told Michael how I had liked him. He told me “Something’s I should just keep to myself.” Then we pretty much stopped talking soon after.
9th Grade: In the beginning of 9th grade I really, really, liked Brianna Carter. She was in my Band, Spanish and Government classes. I really liked her. She was smart, kind, she had an amazing athletic body, and she was really pretty. In band we sat next to each other and became friends. Well around homecoming time, too afraid to ask her directly to homecoming, I asked her in a way that could give me a hint into if she actually liked me back or not without being direct.
“Hey Bri, if we don’t get dates to homecoming do you wanna go together?”
“Sure Chris, that would be great!”
Victory Is Mine, lol. So that was about 3 or 4 weeks before homecoming. Then a 2 weeks before homecoming there was a field trip to Allentown PA, for a college marching band festival. It was on a Saturday and was mostly for marching band students (like me) but was also open to all band students (like Brianna). Just to explain how happy I was, the night before when my karate teacher was driving me home after practice, I told him I couldn’t wait till tomorrow because I was going on a field trip with the girl I liked and asked to homecoming.
So the next morning I get to the school… 7:15 in the morning -__-. Brianna was the only one from our band class there that didn’t do marching band, so I introduced her to everyone. Then we all got on the bus around 8:00. She demanded I sit with her because she still didn’t really know anyone. Booyah! Looks like today’s my lucky day!!! So we sit next to each other and Victor Crowder sits behind us. I liked Victor, he was cool and I looked up to him, because he was a senior and everyone seemed to like him. Well during that whole 3 hour trip down there Victor wouldn’t stop poking his head in between the seats and being a dork. (Little did I know he was flirting… something I never really been skilled at .) We get to Allentown about 11:00. We had open range to go where ever we wanted as long as we had at least two other people from the band with us. So we ended up hang out in a group of Me, Brianna, Victor, and 4 other people. Well the whole trip I see Bri and Victor getting closer. But I try to ignore my suspicions and just think that they are becoming friends because they never met. It goes like that the whole day and we leave about 6:00pm. On the bus instead of sitting with me on the way home she decides to sit with Victor instead. By this point I’m well aware of the truth behind my suspicions and it’s hard to ignore any longer. My friend Jordan Rogers saw her sitting with Victor and ask me if Bri and I are still going to homecoming together. She says “I never said yes to that!” (Technically she didn’t, but I guess “That would be great” isn’t a yes… Good to know. -__-). By this point I’m crushed on the inside, but on the outside I try to laugh it off. “Better to know now than later I guess lol.”
We get back to the school around 9:00 and my heart is bleeding inside. But I keep my up my act. When my dad picked me up and asked how the trip was I said it was great. The radio on the way home decided to just play break up, love, and sad songs. Perfect -_- I got home said I was tired and went straight to my room. I tried to calm myself down by listing to music so I hit random on my MP3. But the first song that came on was “The Break Up Song” By American Hi-Fi. Then I get a text and from Morgan Williams asking if I was okay, and I tell her no, but then by the end of our conversation she tells me Victor asked Brianna out, and Brianna said yes. Next thing I know I couldn’t take anymore, My heart exploded. I just sat there and cried myself to sleep.
After a while life goes on. Around that January I start to like Sarah Mahmud. Like Brianna she’s smart, pretty, she’s a little thicker but still hot. This time I made no attempt though. I liked that we sat next to each other in Spanish, but aside from that I didn’t even really ever talk to her unless she approached me first. But then I tell some of my friends I liked Sarah, and they told her… Her response… “Ewww.” I was done, I couldn’t handle anymore, so I just gave up.
Still freshman year, about a month after Sarah, Track & Field started. I was finally starting to be happy again. But because our new building was still being built, we had to take a bus over to Joppatowne High School for practice. So the first day of practice me and Raymond King see each other and only knowing each other decide to sit with each other on the bus.
Up until this point I knew Ray since 6th grade because of band and really didn’t even consider Raymond a friend, but an acquaintance. I didn’t dislike him personally, but his friends were all douches so by association I didn’t want to be friends with him. Then after we got into high school I forgot he existed because the only time I seen him before was in band, but this year we were in different band classes so I didn’t see him at all. So I had forgotten about him completely. But now that track started that all changed.
Within a week, from our talks on the bus to practice, I realized he isn’t a douche bag like his friends and is actually really cool and I consider him a friend. Another week and I would say he’s a close friend. Another week or two of us joking around and hanging out on the bus and at practice and it’s like we’ve been best friends since birth. It was also somewhere within there I first started liking him. Then another couple weeks of him being his amazing self and I would officially say I liked him. He did things that reminded me of how I felt about Michael; he showed me lots of attention and also did gave me the same physical attention Michael used to. But he was kinder than Michael was. We also got so close we were almost inseparable at practiced and texted whenever we weren’t at practice. In school, at home, sometime even sitting right next to each other if we didn’t want to say out loud what we wanted to tell each other, including “I love you.” I understand you’re (Whoever is reading this) probably thinking either “Wow that’s cute,” or “WTF that’s weird.” But not quite, because we both said but as far as im aware for the most part we were both joking… even me at this point. I liked him, yes, but love, not yet. But I did keep liking him more and more.
The things he would do, I don’t even think he realized how much he was making me fall for him. Soon it became very apparent he was/is an amazing athlete. I on the other hand was just alright. I don’t think I was bad, by any form of the word… In fact, I would consider myself good. But Raymond… He was on a whole other scale. He was just great in whatever he did. I can’t even describe how amazing of an athlete I think he is. But anyways, the upper classmen realized that fact and would often invite him to sit with them. But sometimes he would deny it to sit with me. But then he did something that just threw me over the edge and I was helpless to stop myself from falling.
One day towards the middle of the season practice got cancelled. But the team decided, hey, why don’t we just stay after and hangout anyways. So I did too. But then after about five minutes people just start to leave. So I texted Raymond and ask where he was. He told me he asked his mom if he could stay after and she said he had to take the bus home if there was no practice. So he was on the bus headed home now. I told him about how everyone else was leaving and it was just me and a few people else left. He said he was sorry he couldn’t stay, but I told him it’s fine, he was just doing what his mom told him to. So then I finally call my dad and see if he can come pick me up. He tells me that he is at work on APG and doesn’t get off for another hour, and that I can start walking home now, or just wait until he gets off and can come get me. I told him I’ll just wait. So I texted Ray and told him what my dad said. Then the last person left with me, Kiera McKenna (who was usually my ride after practice), told me she was about to walk to a friend’s house who lives up the street and say I can come if I want. So we start that journey but I knew I had to call my dad and ask him, so I call him back and ask, but he says no. So she kept going and I had to turn around and walk back, alone.
I finally get back to the school and see one of my friends, Melissa Leimbach, and her boyfriend. So I hang with them for a few minutes, but feeling like the third wheel I decide to leave and just go wait back in the lobby for my dad. Then I see them walk away and it’s just me sitting in the lobby. I’m probably only there for about 15 minutes, but when you’re alone it seemed like an hour. Then the next think I know Raymond walks back in.
I couldn’t help myself but to run up to him.
“What are you doing here, I thought you had to catch the bus,” I asked.
“I did, but I walked back, to keep you company.”
“What about your mom. Won’t she be mad you didn’t take the bus home?”
“I’ll just tell her I missed the bus or something.”
I lost it, at that moment I feel in love with him. I tried to think of any other reason that would make him walk back.
We are best friends… but still, that’s a long walk… even if he did say he got off at the first stop, he doesn’t live right by the school. So that was a bop. Plus still has on his book bag, so he had to carry that too. It’s not too hot outside. But I wouldn’t consider it too pleasant. Even if we are best friends that’s still not enough a reason to walk so far just to keep them company… and he’s gonna risk lying to his mother, over me… He, must actually love me!
I couldn’t take anymore, I loved him, and I though he loved me back. At that moment I just wanted to tackle him to the floor and kiss him, which was more than I ever thought of doing with a guy. But I didn’t care. I didn’t do it though. Because in my mind I was still so hurt from girls, I wasn’t going to take a risk and risk being wrong. So I decided I would just love him from my mind.
So that was the extent I went, for the rest of the season. During the brief moments I started to like Brittany Dempsey and when I started to like Shayla Lee, I still loved Ray, and I couldn’t stop it. Even when he got a love interest in Raven Johnson, I actually encouraged him into it. I just wanted him to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me. However he never pursued it, which made me think maybe he didn’t because he was in love with someone else… ME! But I dreaded the end of the season that was fast approaching because I knew it would mean not being able to see his beautiful eyes and smiling face every day. Not being able to hear his voice and laughter, or feel his warm skin. But like everything, the season eventually ended. But we still kept our friendship over the summer.
10th Grade: Raymond and I are in the same band class. Him walking in that first day of band class I knew this year was going to be fun.
“CHRISSSSSSSS!” He shouted from across the room when he walked in and saw me.
YESSSSSSS! “Ummmmmmmmmmm, I think I’m gonna need to change band classes”
“Whatever, don’t act like you ain’t miss me”
You don’t know how much of an act this is… “Well maybe a little, lol”
We got into so much trouble that year with Mr. Bickham. From all our joking around we used to do on the bus. To Raymond screeching whenever I pinched his knee. I don’t know why he’s so ticklish, but it’s hilarious to taunt him with. Then whenever we had a concert and he needed someone to put on his tie. As small as that was I enjoyed it. It was there he signed a contract to be my hoe. In exchange for a clarinet reed…Oh how I exploited that to my advantage. He started calling me pimp, buying me cookies :P and I was granted unlimited access to his body. He also gave me money whenever I asked, but that was extra, and I always paid him back.
But one day he decided he wanted to disrespect my authority. He challenged me for him being my pimp. So a deal/contest had to be made. Whoever was the first too touch every part of the other’s body would become the new pimp. Not too difficult because we already did that to each other on a daily basis minus the crotch and lip areas.
Well it goes on good like that for most the year then track season starts again. I was thinking it would be just like the year before… maybe even better. Oh how I was wrong. That year Raymond’s best friend Jordan Hicks joined the team. I was actually instantly jealous of him, which I never really been before, it’s just not part of my nature. But they were spending so much time together and Ray was paying him so much more attention. So it just kind of happened. The throughout the season I saw us slowly growing apart. I figured the best thing to do was to stop myself from liking him any longer, but then he would always go and do or say something out of the blue that would set me back. For example one of the times I was thinking about it during practice, at the end of practice when the coaches were talking to us in a huddle, he came up behind me and grabbed me by my waist… I’m sorry (not really) but that was hot, and I didn’t even look at him in a sexual way. The at one point I was even going to tell him he doesn’t have to be my hoe anymore, but like 5 minutes latter he meant to say, “Yeah, that’s why you’re my hoe* now.” But out loud he said “Yeah, that’s why you’re my pimp* now.” Unintentional stuff he did like that made it really hard to not like the kid.
But even with the constant realization of our relationship, (which really was never a relationship and was just in my head,) was dying, a lot of other interesting things happened before the end of the season. Ummm let’s see. The first meet was freezing, but I and Raymond both have really hot body temperatures so we just held each other under a blanket to keep warm so he became my own personal heater for the rest of the season. On the bus home from another meet we both finally succeeded in our contest (But I won first ). Going to an invitational meet he let me fall asleep on his shoulder and didn’t care. Also during counties Jordan asked him for a dollar but he said no. Then like two minutes later I asked Ray for three dollars and he gave them to me… in front of Jordan! Take that Jordan, lol!! Oh and he also became the only guy I’d drink after.
Also all of our sexual innuendos and jokes intensified, like one once he said something sarcastic so I told him to suck it, so he got on his knees and opened his mouth. Lol that was just hilarious… I guess I should probably mention though that even though I really did love him. I didn’t think of him in a sexual way and all our jokes were just that jokes… well mine were like 85% joking, but I figure his were 100%. The most I really wanted to do with him was cuddle and maybe kiss, at least once.
11th Grade: … Well at least the summer prior to. My church youth pastor, Mrs. Brandee, gave a lesson on prayer and how you can even be specific. To show a point she shared the story of how she met her husband. She told us how she told God she was tired of just dating and she wanted to find her husband, and her only request is they have similar family structures. Well that same week she went out with some friends and the stopped at a house she’s never been to before. So she asked them what was going on. They told her they were here to pick up her date Eric. She didn’t even know she was going on a date. Well that night they talked and found out they have an almost scary close family structure. Skip some years down the road and they get married. Skip some more and they have two children. Skip even more and we get to the present.
So before school started I prayed and asked God for a girlfriend preferable by or around homecoming time. I wanted her to be smart, athletic, about the same age as me (give or take 2 years), and musically talented, I needed her to be a Christian. I wanted her to be pretty/cute, and have a good sense of humor. Plus, although race didn’t matter, I would really like her to be mixed or Asian. Then as an added bonus I wanted her to have a brother around our same age, so that if I ever went over her house and had to wait for her I could just hang out with him.
11th Grade: Because of stupid IB and it retarded scheduling I couldn’t fit band on my schedule. So the alternative, so I could still participate in band stuff I would have to do independent study with Mr. Bickham during his 1A beginner piano class. So that’s what I chose. First day of independent study I found out it wouldn’t have to be to “independent.” Also because of IB bull crap, Melissa Harvey was going to do independent study too. So for independent study what happened was we were thrown into a small room on the side of the piano lab. So at first I didn’t think anything of it. But talking to her in between us playing I found out a lot about her and eventually realized she matches Every single one of those points. Then another added bonus: TJ’s family knows her and actually wanted their son Ricky to go out with her years ago. So I got there approval.
She’s in IB so that means she’s smart. I found out she’s been playing softball for years, so that means she is athletic. Although she’s a grade under me she is only a few months younger than me. She plays the clarinet and piano, so she’s musically talented. Turns out she’s a Mormon, which is a branch of Christianity. I though/ think she’s beautiful and she could make me laugh, but more impressive she laughed at my jokes. She’s Asian! Then lastly the cherry on top, she has a twin brother. EVERY SINGLE POINT, SHE MATCHED EVERY SINGLE POINT. Then another added bonus: TJ’s family knows her and actually wanted their son Ricky to go out with her years ago. So I got there approval. Not to mention we were thrown into a small room together. Alone. With no teacher at all, for an hour and a half, to talk about whatever we wanted. The more I talked to with her the more interested in her I became. She told me she liked to write fantasy stories, which is my favorite genre to read. I thought she was so amazing and perfect in every way. Funny side note: Once during a band meeting I introduced myself to her parents and her dad said “So this is Chris”… That implies they had “Chris” conversations… or at least I was important enough to be mentioned (well in my head at least)
A month before homecoming I decided, this was her. She was my prayer granted to me. I was set. The next thing I had to do was ask her to homecoming… But remember I was terrified to do that but after careful planning and postponing I had my plan. First I asked her best friend if Melissa was seeing anyone, and she said no. next I had to excavate my plan. My plan: Monday September 19th 2011 I was going to go into school early and go into our practice room. There was Just enough computers to spell out H-O-M-E-C-O-M-I-N-G-? on them. I was also going to bring in her stand already but turn it so she wouldn’t see I put a rose on it when she walks in. So the week before I asked Bickham if he could unlock our practice room early so I could set it up to ask Melissa to homecoming and he said sure. Monday comes along and I’m honestly terrified I was still traumatized from what happened in 6th grade and the Brianna incident in 9th. I get to school but Bickham is nowhere to be found and the room is locked. CRAP! He shows up right before class starts, but it’s too late. He actually apologized. SO I have to improvise. When me and Melissa walk down to get our instruments I have her kill some time because I tell her I got her stand, but she has to bring her own chair. So I run to the room and set up and place the rose on the stand and turn it around.
My heart is pumping fast but I try to seem calm. She walks in and turns the stand around.
“Why is there a rose on the stand?” she ask.
“Honestly it was part of a failed elaborate plan to ask you to homecoming!... So umm, will you go to homecoming with me?”
She actually said yes. I was so excited that whole day, life was great. But then everything started to collapse.
The next morning we had the class again when I was walking towards the piano lab, where we started class before we went into our side room to practice, Mr. Bickham stopped me from going in and said that I’m just going to go into the practice for the whole period, and that Melissa won’t be joining me because her parents wanted her to focus on piano for a while. The look on his face when he told me this said it all. I can’t exactly describe what the face was, but it seemed like it was apologetic for having to tell me that. So I did what he said, got my instrument and went straight into the practice room. I was crushed and the whole time I was sitting there alone all I could think was crap, I did it again.
A next weeks and it’s the week of homecoming, I buy out tickets that Tuesday. Thursday she messaged me over Facebook and told me she was sick and not sure if she would be able to make it Saturday. Of course not! Why would you, you don’t even like me. Saturday morning she messages me, she’s still sick but she’s gonna try to make it. That night I get there and just wait outside, not even sure if she’ll show up or not. 15 minutes later she shows up and gets out the car. She looked beautiful as ever.
Homecoming itself was a disaster though. She’s sick and didn’t want to do anything. I finally get her to slow dance with me, but she’s like a full arm’s length away and the whole night itself was just awkward and depressing. It end’s I go home and cry myself to sleep again.
Then the next A-day she leaves the class completely, symbolically me life. My mind was in a frenzy of emotions. I was swept by sadness over the whole situation. I was angry. Angry at God for showing me everything I asked for, letting me see it’s greatness, then ripping it away. Angry at myself for letting myself fall into the situation knowing everything that happened before and expecting something different. That’s the definition of insanity; doing the same thing and expecting a different result. The worst part, was remembering everything that happened before in 9th grade, and I let myself into the same situation again.
A few weeks later we had our fall concert. It was that night I officially realized I didn’t feel anything left for Raymond, besides our original friendship. But he was/ still is, one of my most favorite people in the world and I will always love him… not in the same way as before of course, but more of an admiration. Lol I even pre-decided that one of my children’s middle names will be named after him. I’m think of “Xavier Raymond Hill” has a nice ring and flow to it… but anyways I got sidetracked.
Next thing happened was sometime around December I realized I was beginning to like one of my friends from church Charles. He was funny, cute, and reminded me of Michael in some of the things he did and said. Then in the first week of February my church youth group had a trip to Ocean City for a weekend for Winterfest, a Christian youth convention with Christian concerts and speakers. I went and so did Charles. A funny thing happened there actually. I liked Charles, but then this girl Sabrina started flirting with me and I figured she might have a crush on me. Well I started flirting back to… or at least what I figured was flirting. Then at one point I was actually standing in between her and Charles and it was starting to get craped up in the mosh pit and I needed to get closer to one of them to have space and I had to choose one. I chose Sabrina. But about an hour later I found out she’s only in 8th Grade…. I Sir, am no pedophile. So I had to drop all those feelings. The rest of the weekend I found myself getting closer to Charles. After I got back that Sunday night I knew there was one thing I had to get rid of if I wanted to get closer to God, and I knew it was the only thing holding me back. So I turned to Charles as like my accountability partner. He succeeded that role and so much more, he really cared about helping me and was really understanding and kind. It was then I realized how much I really liked him.
Next thing was in at the end of February beginning of March. I asked Marki Higgins. I started to get a small crush on her since my friend Janay’s Christmas Party. But I was still hurt from Melissa and beginning to like Charles so I pushed them aside. The about here they came back up. Me being stupid however, still didn’t learn from my past, and asked her to Prom, she said she had a lot of stuff going on in her life she didn’t want a boyfriend, but she’ll go with me to prom. Well me and my stupid optimism, thought, Hey, maybe if we go to prom and she see’s I’m not a bad guy.
But like everything else in my life from this chapter, it all went wrong. Over spring break, which was the weekend before I was about to by our tickets, she texted me and said she changed her mind, and is just going to go to prom with her twin sister instead. -___-. My aching heart. So at that point I just decided, prom, I’m not going. But the week up until, that was all everyone talked about, and it killed me inside. Then the week after was even worse.
So I turned my attention back to Charles, but by this point I haven’t seen him in like 3 weeks.
So now remember, all of that were like flashbacks being replayed in my head that Wednesday night. I started remembering all this around 11ish. By the time I get through it all it was almost 1:00am. All I did the whole time was cry. I felt so alone and dead inside. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up the next morning. But it made me think. Why do I like guys? I don’t want to do anything sexual with them and as far as I consider I’m straight… Could I possibly be Bi? Why am I crying so much? Wow my life sucks. No one likes me. I’m forever alone. Then I also realized, I’ve been hurt by so many woman it’s devastating. How do I still even like them? I’m surprised I’m not gay. Girls suck. That’s why I never considered myself gay or bi or even questioned liking guys. I don’t really like guys, I just started to like those 3 because they gave me all the attention I needed but never gotten from anyone else. I just needed attention and they finally gave it to me. But this all really sucks.
The next morning I woke up, even though I really didn’t want to. I was so crushed inside still. Everything was still so vivid and floating through my mind. It took all my will just to wake up and make it to school that morning. Everything hurt. Walking down the hallway, I saw everyone else had at least a friend walking with them. But no one was walking with me between classes, and I never felt more alone before. That whole day, all I wanted to do was curl up in some corner and die.
I made it home after school. Then I just collapsed onto my dining room floor, and just laid there in my tears. I felt unloved, unwanted, irrelevant, alone, burdensome, and just tired of life. But somehow I managed to pick myself up and start on my homework. I knew my dad would be home in another hour, so I had to not look so bad.
Around 4 or 5 o’ clock my friend Melanie Slusar texts me and ask me what was wrong. So I texted her all of what went through my mind the night before (with less detail then what your reading of it now) and how I felt overly depressed because of it. I also told her about how I realized I’ve been hurt by so many women I’m growing afraid of them, so I’m thinking maybe I should just try the Charles thing, just to see where it can lead. She said she agrees with me about being hurt by a lot of girls in my life and she thinks that I am finally figuring myself out and should try my luck with Charles and see if this is what I really want. Also whatever I do choose, she’ll be there the whole time. The next day I was still pretty deep in my depression, but her words did make me feel better.
That Sunday I told my youth pastor, Mrs. Brandee, I needed to talk to her about something, but she ended up being busy that night and never got around to it. But I had it on my mind already and needed it out. But I also wanted a few answers. So I texted Raymond and asked him.
“Why did you walk back for me that one time in freshman year?”
“Cause you were like my best friend back then.”
“Can I be honest and tell you a long story?”
“Sure.”
So I forwarded all the text I sent to Melanie to Raymond King. I figured he would be able to give me the best advice because we had been best friends and I just felt like Melanie’s response was just a typical girl response, so I wanted a guy’s opinion to. Also because I did like him I felt he could give a more realistic opinion… and he had the right to know. (I never told him I used to feel about him until he read this that Sunday night.) Part of me was terrified to tell him, I remembered what Michael said when I told him, and what everyone else did. But I did it anyways.
Honestly he handled it a lot better than I thought he would. Honestly I partially expected him to be angry some, or stop talking to me for a while. But he didn’t. He didn’t care at all and remembered every part he was included in and though it was funny. He also agreed with me about being hurt by so many women he’s surprised I was straight. Then to my surprise and somewhat amusement, he agreed with Melanie and thinks I should try the Charles thing, because it would make me happier.
Still even after all I told him he was concerned with my happiness. I’m glad we became friends and I don’t regret that I fell in love with him; and although I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with him the way I did. I still love him as a friend and greatly admire him. He will always be one of my favorite people ever. (If you’re reading this Raymond, I Love You!)
So my mind was set, I was just going to try my luck with Charles.
The next day Mrs. Brandee finally got back to me and apologized for never getting back to me last night and explained that she got busy with things after church yesterday. (But it was alright, I didn’t care because that was the only reason I was able to tell it to Raymond.) I told her it was alright and then told her the story too. But I pretty much skipped over Michael quickly. I rushed past Raymond and only really mentioned how he walked back freshman year and I fell in love with him afterwards. But the overall details were taken out. Then I just cut anything on Charles out completely.
But then I went on and told her some of the stuff that was happening at school that was stressing me out. We maybe texted for at least 5 hours, maybe more and she made me feel better too and gave me some good advice. She also told me I should all this down (Hey look at that, that’s what I’m doing now) and said reading it was like reading a book and is addictive to read. (Clearly if you got this far it is.)
Well another week or two past and I go on to share my story with a few more people. But then I have another snap. Charles by this point hasn’t been to church in like a month and a half. But I got just as upset about not seeing Charles for a month. So there goes my plan, and I just flip out, in my head of course not in actuality.
WTF AM I DOING? This is so stupid! Why am I getting my hopes all up for Charles to come back? This is so stupid. Girls are stupid and suck so screw them. But it’s also stupid, weird and poinless for me to like guys because nothings ever going to happen. It’s all in my mind because they’re all straight and so am I. So F*** guys. F*** girls. F*** love period! It’s all stupid and pointless.
Like when I tell you I freaked out in my head, I flipped. If I actually acted how the inside of my head wanted me to tables would be flipped, people would be thrown out windows, and I would have just went on a rampage attacking anything that gets in range of my feet and fist. I wouldn’t hold back, and everyone would witness what 6 years of martial arts, 8 years of bullying, and a life time of heart break can accomplish.
But of course I didn’t listen to my mind. But I did decide, screw love. I was just going to set up a giant mental barrier. That way I never have to worry about getting my hurt crushed again. My barriers are going to keep me from liking another girl, or guy, again… well at least until college, and then I might start again.
So then the next week I told my best friend’s/ brother’s mom, I call her Ms. Mom, my story and new plan. She works with the youth group too and she’s a trusted adult and down to earth. But when I told her I didn’t leave out any details.
We spoke at youth group that Wednesday and unknowingly she crushed me back into my depression… maybe even deeper. (If you’re reading this Ms. Mom, which you probably are because I’m going to give you a copy. Well I’m not upset with you at all. But you need to know how much it hurt me and helped make up my mind on apathy that you disapprove of now.)
Fortunately I don’t remember all the exact words she told me. But unfortunately I remember some and the big picture. She told me she still loves me, but liking a guy is never okay. She told me that I’m too strong for Satan to attack me directly, so he used Raymond to turn me away from what I was created for. Also that this isn’t me, it’s the devil trying to sneak his way in. Also the longer I allow myself to continue on like this the farther I’m going to go into sin. She also told me I should avoid talking to Raymond and Charles because they are just temptations and that the feelings I had for them are never okay and against the Bible and God’s will.
At once the depression and solitude was back. I was so ashamed. I held my religion very highly and tried to live as holy and sinless as I could. I even stopped cussing the year before for that purpose. I read my bible and was not afraid to openly confess my beliefs. To hear her say I was doing wrong and going against the bible hit me like a tractor trailer. I felt so ashamed and angry with myself. I literally felt sick to my stomach.
How could I let myself sin like this for so long?
I felt dirty and worthless… again. To put into perspective just how low I felt, the next day I passed my driver’s license test, but not even that could cheer me up. Neither could me leave that night for a trip to Florida for a family reunion. I was beyond done. I felt like no one could really understand exactly where I was. And I felt I even God was mad at me. So who could I turn too? My friends couldn’t understand why I can’t just give up my religion and how much I love loving God. But my church friends could never understand me liking guys. The loneliness was unbearable.
I was feeling so low and angry with myself I texted my friend Jada and told her my story in hope of her cheering me up. She did, and it helped some. But that was a long drive to Florida. Too long. I couldn’t do anything else but think, and me thinking is a terrible thing, especially when I’m depressed. The only thing it succeeded in doing was making me feel worst.
Well in an attempt to try to not feel like a piece of crap, I begin to question Ms. Mom. Where does it actually say liking a guy is wrong? And besides, the bible has been translated from language to language, and from what I know from IB English, some words just don’t have exact translations, so people improvise. But that can change the meaning of something completely. Also if God really does love me, and I try my best to do everything else as good as I can, and repent when I mess up, what harm can liking a guy really be? Lastly it’s not like I ever had any intentions to have sex with any of them because I already decided not having sex till marriage, which I’m going to marry a woman because I want children. So what wrong am I actually doing? None! So why should I feel like crap when I’m not doing anything wrong?
But that all got crushed the next day when I had to go to my great aunt’s tone death old shack of a church before the family reunion and they had a guess preacher there. Well Mr. Preacher Guy decided his sermon is on warnings. He said that some of us recently received a warning and are doubting it as a warning, so his preaching is the final warning. So in my mind I’m just like.
You know what, if he’s talking to me, then fine. You win. I’m done! I don’t even care anymore. If this is indeed a warning, then fine. Because if liking a guy is so wrong, I’m not gonna do it anymore. But that still doesn’t mean I’m going to start liking girls again. In fact, I’m just going to strengthen my mental barrier. That way I never have to worry about if I’m wrong. I won’t have to worry about doing anything wrong.
My heart just couldn’t take anymore. So that’s what I did. I strengthened my barriers. But every time I saw a cute girl or guy, I strengthened them again. I was going to take no chances. Unfortunately I can easily find attractiveness in a lot of people so I saw a lot of “cute” people. So my wall kept getting thicker and harder. Or if I felt I was getting to close to someone I made them grow again. Until eventually it just grew on its own. Then eventually I just stopped feeling emotions for anyone or anything.
I wasn’t always so apathetic afterwards, but I would go into major apathy swings and zone out whenever certain things would happen because I just didn’t care. Whenever someone started talking about their love life, because one I just don’t care, and two the apathy acts a shield so I wouldn’t remember or start to think about my lack of one. I would slip in to apathy whenever I started to feel like I was getting to close to someone. I would do it whenever I started to feel too much of any emotion from someone, happiness, loneliness, or anger, because it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think I matter enough to really have a justification to deserve angry of happiness. But also I don’t think other people matter enough to deserve my anger or happiness. None of really matters because it’s all pointless. All anger does is cause pain and hatred and it’s all a matter of pride. What make you so special you can get mad over anything? But the same goes for me. But at the same time why would I deserve happiness in this world when it’s all twisted and skewed. Honestly this world really really sucks. Everyone is to worry about themselves and their happiness no one look to help others with theirs. So now instead of getting angry when I get annoyed to the point of anger I just mellow/ apathy out and just stop caring because really it doesn’t matter. The same goes for my loneliness, sitting there crying isn’t going to do anything, because none of it really matters. I also slip into total apathy when I feel the things going on around me don’t really apply to me. I feel like I’m just there so I zone out and deem everything as unimportance. Lastly I do it when I get conflicted in my mind. I would much rather not care about anything than be conflicted and risk choosing the wrong side.
When I go into these apathy swings I pretty much don’t care for anything and lose all hope and relationships with anyone including friends and family. I completely disconnect my mind from the things going on around me and only do things that I feel will have the least negative consequence. I completely stop talking unless directly spoken to, because I don’t feel like wasting the energy to talk to people, and even then I usually won’t speak I would just give slight nods, even if it wasn’t a yes or no question. I also won’t move to face people because I simply don’t feel like wasting the energy it would take to turn my head. So if your luck you might get an eye movement towards your direction. Sometimes I’ve been told when I get like this I look angry because I don’t smile like I usually do, and other people think I look sad.
But it’s actually really hard to explain. I’m actually neither. But what goes on in my mind is the most difficult to explain. It like… all the emotions are still there. But I don’t think anyone, including myself, is important enough for me to express them, so I mentally suppress them all into nothingness. So my mind is usually deep in thought doing it, but my actions and personality are emotionless. Also I can’t entirely explain what my mind is think of, it just is… it’s really weird (and given I’m not in that mood right now I can’t exactly say it.) I’m also pretty fearless when I get like this because I have no fear of getting hurt, but I also lose remorse or care that I could actually hurt someone if I hit them full force, which could honestly turn out really bad someday. But at the same time it could have bad consequences so I probably won’t do that.
Most people though are actually against my apathy, Ms. Mom, and Mrs. Brandee, (who I actually have already gone back and told her the whole story and about me choosing just to go apathetic toward love but she actually didn’t even comment on me liking the guys she just didn’t like the idea of my apathy.) You figure they would finally be happy, I mean I am doing what they wanted me to; I’m stopping myself from liking a guy if it’s so wrong. I’m also having self control and not getting angry with people, and nor am I prideful, so you figure when I get like this I’m actually sinless. Not even my thoughts are sinful because I’m not lusting, or feeling anger towards anyone. But according to them what I’m doing isn’t good either, so that just puts me into apathy because it brings me internally conflict when I think about it.
But one night about mid June texting my friend Andrew Laud, when I was on the line between apathy and normality (which I feel is the worst of anything because I have the lack of emotion and don’t care like I have in apathy, but I’m still going to speak my mind and I’m not as passive as I am when I’m apathetic or normal.) and he was trying to tell me how I couldn’t just be apathetic because it won’t solve anything and people would just be able to walk all over me. But the way I saw it 2 things could happen, 1) I would just let it happen or 2) I would not care enough about their life to not attack them, and other rather heartless things. But in my defense he tried to put me in situations that could never happen and I was in that split mood that I can really think rationally… Not that I can ever really think rationally again.
Well the next day I after I was back to normal I went back and reread our conversation and it honestly scared the crap out of me. Like a lot, I can get so cold and heartless when I’m at the in between level, like someone decides to hit me so I just break their arm because I know how and that way they won’t hit me again. Which brought tout my new biggest fear of that I I might actually really hurt someone one day in that mood, or I might just fail at apathy and go back to where I was before.
So I finally turned to TJ and shared him the story and asked what he thought of the whole thing. He didn’t really have a response to any of it. But he told me he was still there if I ever just need to talk.
A few more weeks during the weekend before the fourth of July my church youth group took another trip, this time to Creation Festival (pretty much the same thing as Winterfest but a lot bigger, and it was all outside, so we had to tent and stuff. We were also there from Wednesday night till Sunday, but I left on Saturday. It was there I think I had my highest rate of apathy swings in the least amount of time.
The first night Cody started to annoy close to the point of anger so I just apathied (< not a word, but you know what a mean,) out. Then I forgot what happened the next night but I did it again. The next morning I was still in it, but it eventually went away. Then I fine that night, but then the next day I left but on the ride home I let my mind wander and it was back to apathy again within minutes.
So the next week I decided maybe I shouldn’t do this, so I texted my youth pastor again and she finally was able to help talk me out of it. So I decide to let my barrier fall. Bad idea, I had it down for a few days and everything came back, every suppressed thought and feeling. I’m surprised I didn’t go insane. At points I felt so lonely again, others I was so angry, and then at other parts I just wanted someone to hold me and not let go.
It was that Saturday I put them back up. My youth group was having a pool party but I had family over but my mom didn’t want to let me go. (But honestly I don’t feel all that close to my family sometime. I’m the only middle kid. My sister and most my cousin are all older than 21 so they all hang out and go to clubs and do stuff I can’t go to yet so I get left behind. Then the rest of my cousins are all under like 12, so I don’t want to hang out with them, I’m just too old. I only have one cousin my age, but he’s literally a drug dealer and really stupid, so I don’t want to associate with him, at all, and he didn’t even come this time.) So she finally let me go, 30 min. late… But I got to go. It was from 12 to 4. But I she said I had to be back by two. (WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE) Well I get there and actually have a blast. It was so much fun and I really enjoyed myself. I even forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and destroyed it (Oops) but I was still really happy. But then around 1:45 I was like… I’m having to much fun just to go home and be bored with my family…. YOLO! So I stayed until about 3:15. Then I went home.
MY tyrant mother obviously doesn’t believe in YOLOing and for being an hour and a half late, she grounded me to not be able to go to anymore events for the rest of the summer. (It was the begging of July). So instead of letting myself get angry or depressed again I just put my wall back up. Screw it all.
Nothing else really important happened until end of July or beginning of August. Do you guys remember the whole anti-gay Chik-fil-a thingy, and then the whole kiss in front of Chik-fil-a thing. Well it really confused my mind and actually really annoyed me.
Why are they just going after gay people. I mean by all means if it is wrong go after it if you want. But why single it out. Homosexuality is just a small part of sexual immortality. Then why just single it out. No. if you’re going to attack it, attack them all. Because pre marital sex is one, sex with someone else when you’re already married is one, sex with a married person is one. So why just attack the one. No attack them all. But the rest seem to be almost idolized in mainstream media. 16 and pregnant, Cheaters, Jersey Shore, any song on the radio, regardless of genre (well except Christian obviously), The Bachelor, The Bachelorette. Get my point yet.
It all really annoyed me, then the basis behind was the gay marriage thing Vs the church, and being the IB nerd I was, I wanted to see both side. So I researched them both and they both tried to quote scripture (out of context) as a way to justify themselves. So I decided just to go right to the source so I opened my bible and started to flip randomly through pages and hope I find something. Well I certainly found something.
Do any of you know the story in the bible of when Jesus is in the desert and the devil is trying to tempt him. Well even the devil tried to use scripture (out of context) to attack Jesus, but then Jesus would use scripture back to counter. And it just made me break down again.
If even Satan can use scripture, who can I really trust. It’s not as obvious as the devil vs. Jesus. I mean clearly Satan is bad and Jesus is good. But humans… Humans can be both.. so which can I tell is right. Both think they are right so can I really even trust my own thoughts. SCREW IT ALL…AGAIN! I refuse to trust anything unless literally divinely given to me.
Then the next day was a Wednesday and we had band camp. Well for some reason that morning I actually had a though of Raymond again. And the whole thing just brought me into apathy. Like.. Why the ____, am I think of him, out of nowhere. I refuse to accept this.
So I was apathetic that whole day and people kept asking me what was wrong, but I was apathetic so I didn’t feel like wasting my breath to tell them. I didn’t even consider myself upset because I was apathetic and didn’t feel upset at all. I just felt, existing I guess. But in my head, because I already told you how my mind is still thinking about 100mph when I’m like that, it kept thinking of the whole Chik-fil-a thing and gay marriage and the church fighting it, and Satan using scripture and me thinking of Raymond out of the blue that morning, and everything else that was conflicting in life. So by thinking of all of it kept my mind in conflict just prolonged my apathy. It was by far my longest shift, lasting over 8 hours.
Since then I think I calmed down some, and I don’t seem to get as dark when im apathetic, and don’t seem to go apathetic as much or as easily. But overall most thing that go on around me I really still don’t care.
And with that I close this chapter of my life Adieu!