Never got better

[CyanideGoodnight]

Just got distracted.

The thoughts, they're back.
Self hatred? Back.
Obsession over my weight? Oh, definitely back.

I can't eat without guilt again. I had one cookie and I feel so fat right now. It wasn't worth it. Lunch is disgusting. Food is disgusting. I don't want to eat. I don't want food. I want to be thin. I want to be skinny, I want to be beautiful. I'm trying, though, trying so hard to be strong, to eat through the hate... my meals haven't decreased in volume or anything, but the guilt is there.

I thought I was over this. I thought I was okay. Nope, just got distracted from it by school.... oh well, it was a good healthy run while it lasted.

I hate myself for being fat and I hate myself for starting to give in again... either way I go I lose.

[Noirtier]

Just got distracted.

The thoughts, they're back.
Self hatred? Back.
Obsession over my weight? Oh, definitely back.

I can't eat without guilt again. I had one cookie and I feel so fat right now. It wasn't worth it. Lunch is disgusting. Food is disgusting. I don't want to eat. I don't want food. I want to be thin. I want to be skinny, I want to be beautiful. I'm trying, though, trying so hard to be strong, to eat through the hate... my meals haven't decreased in volume or anything, but the guilt is there.

I thought I was over this. I thought I was okay. Nope, just got distracted from it by school.... oh well, it was a good healthy run while it lasted.

I hate myself for being fat and I hate myself for starting to give in again... either way I go I lose.

The first thing I want to say hun, is that I know. It's hard as fuck, it really is. I did well for a while too, got distracted from it, but it was about the middle of last week that it hit me again. I looked in the mirror and I just thought, "God, I'm so fucking fat, so hideous," and food just looks... unappealing. I look at food and I see calories, not food. And it's repulsing. I know how you feel, because that's exactly how I feel right now. The self hatred, the urges, everything. But you have to be strong. You've done so well, I'm honestly proud of you. You've come so far, and it's really amazing! It's not worth the strife, the obsession, the pain in the end, you and I both know that. I've been forcing myself to eat too, and what I've done is really, focus on the people I care about. The people who know about my past. And as awful as it is to work through it, it gives me a reason, a positive reason, a positive motivation, to eat. Maybe, in the end, I can work up to eating for myself, not for someone else. Because that's part of what recovery is, going one little step at a time. I'm always here to talk, and I know a lot of other people are too. Stay strong, you're doing so amazing! :hug3:

[CyanideGoodnight]

Thanks :hug:

One of the worst parts is that I can't tell if the steps I'm taking actually are helping or making it worse. I'm keeping a journal just to say "This is what I went through today. This is how I've been feeling. This is what I had to do to force myself to eat __ and I've weighed myself ___ times and weighed withing ____ range.". Stuff like that. It helps me cope but I think there's a small chance it's making me more obsessed in the end... I liked it better when I was too distracted...