Need a psychologist bad :(

[Overload]

im 17 male, and my entire life has been really screwed up.


If you dont feel like reading the whole thing I understand :), just scroll down where theres a tldr :P

Age:
1-3 Apparently I was labeled as an "aggressive" kid so I wasn't put into nursery school at three years old instead my parents thought it would be better to put me in when I was four. Now I think that was a terrible mistake because everyone in my class is younger than me.

4-9 I had huge anger problems when I was a younger kid. I did all sorts things like run away from school and I kicked teachers and yes, I even once kicked my principal in the balls. I was suspended countless times and sent to multiple psychologists for anger management which they didnt do anything just mad eit worse. My anger issues got to a point where I'd go in a rage in the house so my father would have to pin me down to the floor and tell me I couldn't move again until I calmed down. I still remember those days, where my parents hit me for getting angry, all the useless psychologists I went to, and all the medication I took. I was also obese as a young kid which didnt help matters.

10-11 At this point my anger management issues just went away, not because of medicine, maybe it was because I hit puberty a little early. Anyways, I stopped getting angry but at this point in my life was people start differentiating each other if they're popular or not. I don't play sports and I'm a very introverted kid so naturally I was one of the least popular kids and spent my recesses playing imaginary games with myself or being on the playground.

12-This is when things in my life started getting really bad. Basically, in the summer before sixth grade I went to this sleepaway camp and the boys there were really perverted and wrong. Unfortunately, I brought all that back to me at school. I made perverted jokes and said really disturbing things because it made me feel good, people would notice me and I actually received some attention. Then one day, the principal called me in to his office and told me he had parents reporting that there was a very disturbed kid who were destroying their sons. I'll never forget that meeting in the principals office, where he made all these chilling comments about ruining my future and returning to psychologists. By this time, I was a bit smarter and I stayed away from psychologists because I didn't think they would help or anything. Honestly, if the principal had just asked me normally to stop my behavior I would've done it. But from that moment on, I became a completely different person. My self confidence suffered a blow and I became very introverted having very few friends.

Other stuff happened between now and 17 but I'll just skip to now. My entire life feels like a disaster. The only thing I pride myself on is getting good grades and working hard at school because its all I have to live for. I'm not athletic, I don't make friends easily, I find it hard to talk to people. My little brother is way better than me in EVERYTHING which doesn't help my self confidence.

Its weird now because high school is different that it is in middle school. Middle school is like all the popular kids ignore the lower kids and stuff but in high school it's considered cool to be nice to the lower kids. Me, being the least popular I especially hate it when really popular kids come over and talk to me and stuff. I know they're not being sarcastic and that theyre trying to be nice but I get so mad over it because I know I'm not really their friend. They're only talking to me because they're friendly people but they would NEVER hang out with me.

To give you an example of how bad my social situation is I once had to go to someones elses house because my brother needed my room because he was having friends over. I LITERALLY felt as if there was no one that I would feel comfortable calling up and asking them to stay over. (Ended up just going to my grandmothers house.) So yes, I do talk to people at school but I can never be myself around them.

Basically, the biggest issue with my personality is how it changes with different people. Most people act one way towards everyone but I want people to like me. People who like "I dont give a shit" kind of people I try to act myself like that around them. People who talk about girls and stuff I try to do the same. And people who find stupid and crude humour hilarious I try doing that too around them just so they'll think Im funny and like me. At default, my personality is expressionless. Inside I'm depressed, I have no idea what other people think of me, that's what I usually think about all day. All I want is for people to think I'm normal, inside my whole mind is twisted and warped and I have rapid mood swings.

TLDR) I KNOW I need to go to a psychologist but I just can't bring myself to. My parents have enough problems on their own and I don't want to bother them even more. (They think I'm a normal happy kid). Trust me if I said anything to them they wouldnt try to help me they would blame themselves that they are the worst parents ever and shit etc. etc. So I cant ask my parents to take me to one and I also dont want to go to one because of the cost. Yeah I know moneys probably not a problem to spend for most people but I hate spending money where I can avoid it. and spending money on a psychologist feels like a total rip off. Yeah I have insurance, but theirs like a $30 deductible so thats $30 per 45 minute session with a psychologist which I would NEVER do. I try hard to get psychological help free online but it would never be as good as a psychologist. Please tell me what to do! :(

[tubanic]

That sounds so crap :/
I am really uncomfortable around people aswell and when I was in school I always felt like I was acting and not being myself.
It must be so crap having to worry about money for your mental health, in England we get it free once it's serious enough. do you have a school counsellor or something you could see?
What are your exact problems at the moment, are you depressed or self-harm?
And maybe you just haven't found the right people yet who are more like you and you can feel comfortable around :)

[ComradeUnknown]

I read the entire thing and it makes me think, give or take a few things I can completely relate.

As a child I didn't have the same sense of humor as everyone. The teachers considered me to have a smarter sense of humor, but it didn't come well. My first grade teacher once looked out the window and said "Brr, it's so cold out, maybe we should start a fire!" And I cried and said "But then the books will burn, and we'll all die!" Around third grade I had a therapist. I don't even remember why. Something about crying all the time. During middle school, I was a different person every year.

6th grade I was isolated and also had the best grades. I was the least popular of my three years, I stayed on the computer most of the day, and I only had a few close friends.

7th Grade, was pretty interesting. It was when I got an Xbox 360 and discovered a group of kids who played the same games that I do. So we hung out and played a lot and eventually I started developing an aggressively comical attitude that seemed to get the attention of kids from all groups. I even had a catchphrase in which I would say 24/7. I also made a lot of joke death threats to make people laugh. I became so focused on being this crazy violent kid that my grades went way down. They didn't get better.

8th Grade is split into two parts. The first part I was mostly the same person as 7th. I started talking to this small group of friends though. Two girls in particular I would talk to a lot. Mainly online group chats... one would tell me all of her problems and I would become so focused on her that I fell for her and my grades would continue going down. I had developed this sympathetic soft side, which I was proud of but I still had an aggressive side. So on December, I had said something I wish I hadn't. They both hated me to silence for about a month and I was angry as hell during it. They forgave me and it seemed like it was well. Except that my grades were still awful.

The second half is around when I got my first real girlfriend. I had gained a new confidence by her and it seemed like most people started to like me again. The aggressive attitude by this time had been completely wiped out. It had by around the end of December. By the fourth quarter, my grades had actually seemed to be getting better.

The summer there after I was lazy though. I mistreated my only girlfriend. I even had plans to change myself rapidly during the summer and I did close to nothing. I broke up with her this October of 9th.

Now I'm in 9th grade, I've been trying to still change myself, to little avail other then academically. My grades are great now, my social skills, not so much. Physically and mentally, also pretty bad.

I'm sick of typing this. My point is, you aren't alone.

[leafgreenangel]

High school is a place where people really learn to be themselves. In the beginning if my academic life (grades 1-4) everyone liked me. I was the really nice one. Then about 5-8 people started making cliques and I became a nobody. I have below average social skills and I have always tried to make my self what others want. 9-10 grade I began to see my real friends and now that Im in 11th grade I don't care who likes me. I still have my close friends, but those popular kids in class who try to talk to me in class I don't act fake around. I'll talk about my interests if they ask me. Some of them have only talked to me once because maybe I was too weird. I think maybe you just need to find someone to be weird with.

And also about the psychologist thing, I can understand not wanting to tell your parents because they may have problems, but you need to work on yourself. I had to tell my mom I needed a therapist because I got really depressed last year and I was crying every night and became borderline suicidal .I finally just told her I needed someone to talk to. My payment was only $25 a session because you can tell them that money is tight and they may lower it. I really think that it could help.