Ulcers and relapsing

[Syvelocin]

*long, drawn-out sigh*

I guess I just want even more people telling me everything's going to be okay.

I just finished a good hour-long pity party w/ pitiful hysterical crying and hugging, not after cutting myself for the first time in... I have no clue at this point. Good half a year at the very least, I know I've had a few small incidents since I officially stopped, but I never kept count. Nothing bad of course, my courage with a razor after so long is abysmal.

I may need surgery for my ulcers, as I get to be the minority like fucking always and my meds aren't doing much. The realization is setting in that this is actually fucking me up, and something has to change.

But I've tried changing so many times.

I know I can't snap my fingers and everything is better, but I just wish I could have one more chance. If I knew this is what I'd be getting myself into six years ago, that probably would have been enough. Well, I hope it would have been. I don't have a great track record for trusting people that something is bad for me. I always do it first, fuck myself up, then I learn.

I'm scared. I'm oh so scared. I'm scared of every-single option I have. I'm scared of surgery and I'm scared of changing.

I want to change. Half of me does. Rith wants to change. Ana doesn't. But Rith can't change, she's tried so many times and failed.

[Fiction]

First of all Rith, it's good to see another old face around here on my extremely occasional visits :hug:

I've told you before, cutting won't help. We both know that. I know that doesn't make it any easier but that's the thought I keep it my mind when I really want to cut. It doesn't help anything, it only makes marks on your body and those marks are just even worse once you've stopped for so long. Just think to yourself when you have an urge that scars are easier to deal with than cuts.

And as for Ana. You CAN change. I know it's going to be fucking hard Rith but one day you can look back on it and know you're absolutely untouchable because you got through one of the biggest struggles you can. Surgery is going to be scary, of course it is, that's human. But you can use that fear as incentive. I know you want to change but use that as incentive that you've got to change.

Good Luck Rith, I've missed you x

[The joker.]

Man, i feel so, so sad after reding your post, i dont really have an explanation for this, :( I wish i could help you! :console:
I hope you will be okay :( i dont really know your story :( :hug: