just too much bottled up inside.......

[ackmedsgirl666]

this is gonna be long.. idk how long or who will actually take the time to read it... but theres alot i need to get off of my chest

ive got too much bottled up inside and im too afraid to hide it anymore
its affecting my life in more ways than one. destroying good relationships i once had.. and its also tearing apart my almost one year relationship. i am surprised i have held on for this long without actually breaking down but i fear my patience has reached its end. i get jealous of everyone around me because they all see so happy and their lives all seem perfect. step a day in my shoes and see what i see. ok i wanna kill myself and just be gone off of the face of this universe take back all i have done to hurt the people around me.... somehow take my life back to when i was still with childrens aid and they shipped me to live up north. they should have just kept me there because atleast my depression back then wasnt that bad. all it depended upon was being locked up in a room with nothing to do... no music to listen to... nothing sharp to cut with.... they took my tv... my nintendo DS my stereo all of my crafting supllies everything. i think those really were my happiest time because back then nothing could make me more miserable or depressed not until this past year my fight with life has been the hardest. i have survived suicide, depression, anxiety, eating disorders.. pregnancies only to lose my baby(i have had 2 pregnancies in the past year) ive given myself multiple scars both internally and externally.
ive cut myself, drank rubbing alcohol/peroxide..... cut so deep and watched the blood pour but i still havent died.. why have i lived... why do i keep on living. how come i just cant die... i thought the past 4 years dealing with childrens aid was the worst time of my life but i was wrong.... i lost alot of things this year..... my virginity, blood, 2 pregnancies, my dad(hes not dead) my ex boyfriend who i fucking loved so much and one little mistake changed everything.... hes not allowed near me for 2 years so i thought maybe this two years time i would get to clear my head since hes not around me anymore but no... what do i do.. i got off and cheat on my current boyfriend.. i slept with my ex... made passionate love to my ex not fucked him it was love to me. why did i do it... because i wanted something more in life... i wanted him i made a big mistake... i wanted him to be with me forever because whenever i was with him he made me feel whole again... if i could have that back i would... but 2 years is gonne be a long time.... and then when it comes to my boyfriend.... i love him... then i fuck up... push him away... he tries to leave and i dont let him.... and then the same circle happens all over again.. over and over and over.... its killing me i am ruing everything everybody.... the only thing that has kept me strong this long is my faith in god...idk whats happening to me... i fight with the world make it seem like a terrible place... my boyfriend is tired of my bullshit... seems like everybody is.... and i cant seem how to figure out how to correct things
i dont want to hurt anymore.... i want to rid myself of the hurt i feel.
i know i love my boyfriend.... but i also know i still have feelings for 2 other people which brings me to another depressing factor in life...

i have strong feelings for my bestfriend.. and i wanna be with him
but i fucked up.. he said if i could go a whole week without getting all attached to my boyfriend(who was ex at the time) and be all over him and shit i would be given another shot at love with him... and i fucked that up because i couldnt stand seeing my ex sad and all depressed because he had fought for me and after all that has happened these past 11 months i couldnt take it... i still cant take it... i just dont know what to do with myself anymore.. i wanna be better.. need to get better.... i cant live like this anymore.... i wanna cry...

why cant i just get over everything in my past and move forwward.. the fact that i am partially RETARDED kills me
i have fetal alcohol spectrum disorder which causes me some problems
problems focusing... getting over things.... coping... self harming.. depression etc... look it up if you wanna know more...

i just give up on everything i dont wanna hurt anymore...
someone please help me :(

[Inventor2]

Cant say it in a post, too personal. Pm me

[JaimeL]

It sounds like you are really struggling, and i know what its like i promise, though my problems and depression are caused from different things, I really can relate.
You ask why you havnt died? Well I can tell you.
Its because that is NOT Gods plan for you. I dont know what or how strong your faith may be, and Ive fallen from mine but I know for a fact that he has kept you alive for a reason, and though it is so hard right now there is ALWAYS hope. Im glad that you are letting it out, thats always the first step towards a better life. I know first hand that telling people is the hardest part, but you need totake it a step further and really try and find someone, whether it be counseling or a doctor, just to help you understand and learn how to cope.
I wish all the best for you, and hope Ive helped even the tiniest bit.

[ackmedsgirl666]

You have helped tremendously and I thank you for that
Also more has been put on my plate more that I don't need
I just found out that my ex is finally on the road to recovery of getting over me not even after seeing him 2 weeks ago and pouring my heart out to him.
I kissed him but I can't even explain what that kiss means
I have a lot of healing to do. I am meeting with an elder from my dads church tomorrow AND i am hoping that I can be able to let all of this out to him
He is going to help me get on the right road of faith
And from right now on I'm gonna let god decide what is best for me

[ackmedsgirl666]

Sorry phone double posted.

[Marcus_Stockley]

I know he already helped you out, but I just went through depression and bottling up emotions doesn't help AT ALL. It kind of made me go a tad bit insane. Maybe try to express yourself more. I found that putting all of my emotions into a song, letter, cartoon, etc. helped. I hope you get better soon and I wish you luck :)

[JaimeL]

Im glad I could help :)
And so happy that you have gone for help from someone you can trust! I hope things get sorted out and you're able to live happily :)