Log in

View Full Version : Intro to the story I'm writing


survivor
November 30th, 2012, 08:20 PM
]Introduction
< Clayton >
I remember that day like it was yesterday: I knew it would be a special day, but not like that. I had lived in the Violet neighborhood, closest to the outskirts of town besides the Black neighborhood. She, Rena, lived in Skyfall, the lightest of the blue neighborhoods. The fact that a Skyfall girl was dating a Violet guy was almost unheard of, but how we met was, to most, unimaginable.

Both of us had been friends with a boy from the Oranz neighborhood, the darkest of the Orange neighborhoods and the highest caste. Neither of us should have even been talking to him (especially me), let alone letting him hook us up.

That memorable day, people scoffed at us as we walked past the brilliant yellow shops downtown. To them it was wrong, but to us it was just a color. It was Rena’s fifteenth birthday, and although they weren’t supposed to be celebrated, I was taking her out.

We sat down at a small restaurant of her status and I ordered us her favorite meal: potatoes and shrimp with a glass of tea. However, we never got the chance to eat. As soon as the food was at our table an alarm sounded out through the town; a symbol for us all to go home and lock up even in the daylight.

We split up and ran, like the rest of the town, towards our homes. When I arrived home my family was waiting for me and I promptly locked the door as I entered. The news was on the Television and what I saw stunned me; bodies, shedding blood from every whole in their body were being piled around the only blank white building in town, City Hall. The Square around City hall was covered in blood showing easily on its blank white surface. People, dead and dripping blood were being dragged into heaps by people in hazmat suits. In the edge of the screen one girl was still alive, struggling against the men dragging her towards City Hall. Her features were distorted from the blood pouring from her eyes and nose, but she looked too familiar.

Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me: The girl on the screen was Rena. I fell to the floor crying; she was alive yet they were piling her with the dead. However, when I looked back she had gone still and I couldn’t hold back my emotions. I am not proud of how I wrecked my house, but it was too much.

Rena’s death and my outburst were the beginning of a new life for me.

Tell me what you think

Syvelocin
December 1st, 2012, 12:01 AM
Tell me what you think

I'm taking that as freedom; I apologize if I shouldn't.

Something I've recently had to crack down on myself about is exposition. I've been working with a couple long-time writers—one of which is a writing coach—for about a month now, and already I've learned so much from them. This is even something we discussed a couple nights ago: exposition. I'm pretty good about avoiding exposition for the most part, but I still seem to use a lot of it in the beginning.

Don't do that.

Start the reader with something going on, and keep them with something going on. Even when you feel like there's something to explain, don't do it. Leave your reader in the dark until you must shed light on something, and until then you can drop little hints. The current story I'm working on involves an alternate dimension, but by the time we get to exposition explaining some things, it's through dialogue with other characters. For instance, instead of explaining these interesting... neighbourhoods, you called them? "You're from Violet, right?" Or however you'd say it in your universe. If you MUST put in exposition, put it in later. And even then, keep it to a minimum.

The more mystery there is at the beginning, the more likely they are to continue reading. The last half is actually pretty good, if you cut out the last line. It grabs your attention and makes you ask questions. But you can't do that. It's not even that first paragraph, it's the first line, that may make or break your chances of attracting a reader and winning that book sale. I would at least move that bit to the beginning and move the explanations, if you don't cut them that is.

Otherwise, story idea, from what I can see, is interesting. Not much to go on, but the questions I was asking made me want to read more, still.

survivor
December 1st, 2012, 10:22 AM
Thanks for the advice.

Mortal Coil
December 1st, 2012, 10:30 AM
The most important rule I've learned is show, don't tell. A lot of this is pretty straightforward and it would help if you used some more imagery. The opening of Stephen King's "Carrie" is a wonderful example of this.

Girls stepping out, removing pastel bathing cups, toweling, spraying deodorant, checking the clock over the door. Bras were hooked, underpants stepped into.

As you can see, it's a lot more effective and interactive than just, "the girls finished showering and got dressed."

Otherwise, I think it has a lot of potential!