About my friend.

[AutumnDae]

My friend and this guy have been dating for about 9 months. They have broken up numerous times, and are always fighting. My friends don't like him. He isn't respectful of us, or of her. He takes everything she says and turns it into something else, and is constantly mad at her. She has started to become more and more mad at him lately, but instead of doing anything about her anger with him, she takes it out on her friends. Mostly me, I am her target. She knows that none of her friends think they should be together, and every time they break up she says "I don't think we will get back together". But every time, they do. I don't know what to do. I want to make it clear to her that they shouldn't be together, she is only hurting herself. Also, she will kill me if she ever finds out that I know, and have unleashed it to the internet, but I don't know how recent this is. When ever she is with this boy (Bryant is his name btw) she will eat something, and then go into the bathroom to vomit it up. I am afraid that this will continue and she will become bulimic. But I have no idea how to approach her about this.

Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say to her? Or how to make her listen to me?

[free2bme]

eating disorders are BAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD you should tell her parents (if thy are understanding people) but for the good of your friend tell someone

i think that it is soooooooooooo good that you care fore your friend like this you are truly an amazing person

[Underground_Network]

If the relationship turns abusive, i.e. he hurts her (be it verbally or physically), you should definitely intervene, and I think that if she's taking it out on you, you may have to drop her as a friend. If you have to threaten her, well, thats just what you'll have to do, or maybe just make her come to realize that she's making a mistake. You could either: Tell her that you won't be her friend unless she permanently leaves her current boyfriend, or: Explain to her that the only thing coming out of her current relationship is hate and that she should just end it before she gets hurt or she hurts someone else; explain to her that nobody likes the way she acts when she's upset with him, and that if she just removed him from her life, her life would be much, much better.

[AutumnDae]

Well Bryant is always getting mad at her, usually for nothing in particular. And it always seems as though he treats her like she is a 4 year old. I really want to say something to her, and I have in the past, but she just brushes it off. A few months ago, back in July, I got very angry with her and stopped talking to her for a few days because the way she was treating me. Although, being the person that I am, that didn't last very long. Although when she takes her anger out on me, I bet it is because she is insecure about herself, because what Bryant says to her.


These are all really good suggestions, but I am kind of afraid of her. Sometimes, she takes her anger out on me so bad, I go home and cry because of it. She calls me names, tells me I am stupid (although I am 2nd in my class), tells me I am ugly and everything. It hurts me so bad. Maybe thats why I feel that she is taking her anger out on me. Maybe its not her boyfriend. Maybe its just her. That actually might make more sense. She was this mean to me before with was with this guy. God, I don't even know why I am her friend. Lately, I don't even like her at all. But I am actually afraid of her. Bryant has hit me before, hard. Left bruises on me. And I am afraid, if I make her mad, Bryant will hurt me. I doubt he will hesitate to.

[bbychop]

this girl's boyfriend has no right to take the problems in their relationship out on you in any way or form. if you live in fear of your friend, it may be best to just drop her as it is.
an explanation to why she is like that is either one, she is insecure or two, you have something that she does not. i am not quite sure though.

[Underground_Network]

She doesn't sound like a very good friend, unless she has a sudden change in attitude, I don't recommend keeping that friendship, because it could hurt you, and thats not what friends are for. Its gotta work both ways, you can't just support her, she has to support you too. And she's not helping you at all, I'd give her two days to choose between you or Bryant, and she'll probably choose Bryant, but its better off that way. She is not a good friend, I don't recommend keeping her as a friend!

[AutumnDae]

She doesn't sound like a very good friend, unless she has a sudden change in attitude, I don't recommend keeping that friendship, because it could hurt you, and thats not what friends are for. Its gotta work both ways, you can't just support her, she has to support you too. And she's not helping you at all, I'd give her two days to choose between you or Bryant, and she'll probably choose Bryant, but its better off that way. She is not a good friend, I don't recommend keeping her as a friend!

Thanks. I think I will try that. the last few days she hasn't been too mean to me. probably because yesterday what i was wearing was good. and my hair was fine (it was clash day/ crazy hair day) But next time she says something I will use your idea. although I kind of have trouble confronting people. i will find a way though.

[byee]

Autumn, you know, you're very bright. When I read this thread I really thought I was listening to someone much older than 13!

I have to agree with what's being said here, but let me add a couple of things. First, at 13, dating and relationships are new, so, like most things that you have no experience with, it's mostly flying by the seat of your pants/trial and error stuff. Never having done it, it's hard to know what exactly to do, and how to respond. This goes not only for the people in the relationship, but their friends, too. I understand your dilemma here, you worry about her, yet you're not sure of her reaction to your expression of those worries.

I think in the absence of experience and the sense of direction that provides, you have to lead with your heart. That means telling her of your concerns about the changes you see in her, not only with Bryant, but how she's treating you. Make it observational, not accusatory. See what she says.

Based on how that goes, you have 2 options. First, is to ignore her rudeness and enjoy whatever there is about her and the friendship that's still good for you. The other option is to sadly acknowledge that the friendship no longer works for you, and that even sadder, she needs to sort out in her own mind what types of people (and what types of treatment) she's willing to accept. Hers doesn't sound like a good road to be on, and you are under no obligation to take this particular ride with her.

With regards to the bulimia (which, btw, she now has if she's intentionally vomiting after eating, it's unfortunately not 'developing' anymore), I think this is something that requires urgent attention by a professional. This is seperate from her struggles with Bryant, people are (sadly) entitled to make bad choices about guys (and their treatment of their friends), but they are NOT entitled to hurt themselves. We have an obligation to try to stop that. Let her know this is a seperate concern and that an adult needs to be told, and that you (and your other friends who know, try to make this a group effort) are going to do that, and you'd like her to be there, that you'd prefer she tells, and you'll help her and support her. This will either enrage her further, or she will acquiesce, but either way, I think if you're sure she's bulimic you have to do it. There's alot more at stake here than everyone's feelings.

Sometimes we have to say or do things that aren't always easy or comfortable, but the larger issue is always doing right by people. This story isn't finished, standing up for yourself here, as well as bringing her self destructive behavior (the bulimia) to the attention of the adults is just another chapter in your relationship. It remains to be seen what her thoughts and feelings about all this will be once she gets the help she needs to see things as they really are. And in the meantime, you will have facilitated her recovery.

[sabotaged111]

She doesnt sound like a very good friend. Tell her parents.:D hope i helped.

[Rutherford The Brave]

Ok you need to voice your opinion and fast! If this gets violent there will be some serious issues, personally you shouldn't care if your friend gets mad at you for telling her parent your doing the right thing! DO whatever you can to stop this before it gets worse!

[Serenity]

reaper, please don't bump old threads.

:locked: