Fantasma
November 29th, 2012, 09:37 PM
Alright, wasn't sure whether to put this here or in Relationships, so obviously, mods, feel free to relocate it. I just need to get it out of my system. Hope y'all like long life stories.
I'll start with the first important factor. When I was younger, I was in a freak equestrian accident and half of my body was pretty much decimated, not to mention I lost everything I lived for and knew, including my horse, who even then was my best friend.
I'm still very much a horse person, however I'm terrified of jumping or even riding in an English saddle in general, which is why I was so surprised when, for my nineth birthday (about 3.5 years after my accident) my parents took me to a nearby racetrack where I was allowed to ride a Thoroughbred racehorse (rather, I was forced) and...I loved it. Ever since then I've been volunteering at the track and excercising the horses, and I hope to attain my jockey's license when I'm 16. The problem is (and this is NOT even close to the main problem in this little autobiography here) that, as some of you may know, most jockeys are SHORT. I'm talking 4'9" short. I'm 5'3" however now I know that although a shorter jockey is a slight advantage, what really matters is weight. So, naturally, I freaked out. And what was a 'regimen' intended to maintain my then weight became a 'diet' to lose a bit of weight and that 'diet' became an eating disorder, which in turn became a two month hospital stay, as well as my worst nightmare.
Fast forward a few years to...well, now. Actually a few months ago. Your typical 'teenage crush'. Girl meets guy. Guy meets girl. Girl likes guy. Guy...has a girlfriend. And I don't know, there's just something about him, and I can tell he's a special person. Thing is, he's fallen head over heels for his girlfriend. His girlfriend who is constantly cheating on him. He finds out. He breaks up with her. She cries. Week later he wants her back. And the cycle repeats. Only there's more to it. Every time she does this, a little part of him dies. He kills a piece of himself, between cutting and drinking. He broke his hand, punching the last guy she was with in the face. He'd give his life for her, and he is, little by little. Or at least, he was. She cheated again, this past week. Only this time she lost her virginity. To my ex bf. Needless to say, Ian blew up. He just...stopped existing. It was as if he'd yanked himself off the face of the earth. He was somewhat responsive/himself today but...he's in excruciating pain. Back up to a few months ago.
My best friend tells me that she's done something bad, that she reported a friend of hers to guidance for cutting, and he's so pissed at her, and she just rambles on and on about how she was only trying to help, and blah, and blah, and blah. Yeah. The friend was Ian. And he is most certainly pissed at her. Anyway, this is what gets me the most. I am SO mad at him, because I only wish someone had noticed me, when I was the one with the secret. Instead I spent my Christmas and such in a mad house. And at the same time, I understand how he feels. Because I would have felt the SAME way. I would've been blind to the fact that I was being helped, it's only looking back I imagine it. And at the same time, I' so mad at HER (my best friend) because he was already falling apart. It's like he's a raggedy old sweater and she pulled the most important thread out, then his gf burned the damned thing. And...I love him. I'm not in love with him, but I love him, and I hate seeing him like this. And it's tearing ME apart, because right now he's lost to me. I feel like I feed off of his emotions, and I can't do this anymore, because he's hurt. And I need to be there for him, while I'm hurt too, and there's no one to act as my crutch. It's to the point where I've started cutting again, it's the only solid, definite thing I have to turn to. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make all the hurting stop. I think I'm going insane. What am I supposed to do?
I'll start with the first important factor. When I was younger, I was in a freak equestrian accident and half of my body was pretty much decimated, not to mention I lost everything I lived for and knew, including my horse, who even then was my best friend.
I'm still very much a horse person, however I'm terrified of jumping or even riding in an English saddle in general, which is why I was so surprised when, for my nineth birthday (about 3.5 years after my accident) my parents took me to a nearby racetrack where I was allowed to ride a Thoroughbred racehorse (rather, I was forced) and...I loved it. Ever since then I've been volunteering at the track and excercising the horses, and I hope to attain my jockey's license when I'm 16. The problem is (and this is NOT even close to the main problem in this little autobiography here) that, as some of you may know, most jockeys are SHORT. I'm talking 4'9" short. I'm 5'3" however now I know that although a shorter jockey is a slight advantage, what really matters is weight. So, naturally, I freaked out. And what was a 'regimen' intended to maintain my then weight became a 'diet' to lose a bit of weight and that 'diet' became an eating disorder, which in turn became a two month hospital stay, as well as my worst nightmare.
Fast forward a few years to...well, now. Actually a few months ago. Your typical 'teenage crush'. Girl meets guy. Guy meets girl. Girl likes guy. Guy...has a girlfriend. And I don't know, there's just something about him, and I can tell he's a special person. Thing is, he's fallen head over heels for his girlfriend. His girlfriend who is constantly cheating on him. He finds out. He breaks up with her. She cries. Week later he wants her back. And the cycle repeats. Only there's more to it. Every time she does this, a little part of him dies. He kills a piece of himself, between cutting and drinking. He broke his hand, punching the last guy she was with in the face. He'd give his life for her, and he is, little by little. Or at least, he was. She cheated again, this past week. Only this time she lost her virginity. To my ex bf. Needless to say, Ian blew up. He just...stopped existing. It was as if he'd yanked himself off the face of the earth. He was somewhat responsive/himself today but...he's in excruciating pain. Back up to a few months ago.
My best friend tells me that she's done something bad, that she reported a friend of hers to guidance for cutting, and he's so pissed at her, and she just rambles on and on about how she was only trying to help, and blah, and blah, and blah. Yeah. The friend was Ian. And he is most certainly pissed at her. Anyway, this is what gets me the most. I am SO mad at him, because I only wish someone had noticed me, when I was the one with the secret. Instead I spent my Christmas and such in a mad house. And at the same time, I understand how he feels. Because I would have felt the SAME way. I would've been blind to the fact that I was being helped, it's only looking back I imagine it. And at the same time, I' so mad at HER (my best friend) because he was already falling apart. It's like he's a raggedy old sweater and she pulled the most important thread out, then his gf burned the damned thing. And...I love him. I'm not in love with him, but I love him, and I hate seeing him like this. And it's tearing ME apart, because right now he's lost to me. I feel like I feed off of his emotions, and I can't do this anymore, because he's hurt. And I need to be there for him, while I'm hurt too, and there's no one to act as my crutch. It's to the point where I've started cutting again, it's the only solid, definite thing I have to turn to. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make all the hurting stop. I think I'm going insane. What am I supposed to do?