Navi
November 29th, 2012, 07:33 PM
Sorry if this a long post, and sorry if it doesn't make much sense.
I thought I had a good run going for about a month or so. I was moody, but I never got terribly upset.
Starting around last Friday, it just feels like I'm just going downhill again. I honestly think it's my family, but I just don't want to 'throw the blame' on them.
It just feels like my mom and I can never communicate clearly. I try to talk to her or get help on homework or something, and she either says "mhmm" to everything or blows me off completely. If I need help with homework, she tells me to ask my aunt. Dad isn't much help either. I'm supposed to go to his house every other weekend, but I don't see a point because we don't hang out. He spends most of his time either at the internet arcade or locked in his room.
The rest of my family, I don't even know. Dad's adopted, so I don't even know his (biological) history, and mom's side doesn't care much to talk about anything.
We can't even get through a holiday dinner at either house without some kind of argument starting. It just leaves a bad taste.
Basically, it's tearing me apart that- My family isn't one of those "happy-go-lucky" families that can get through a holiday meal. Mom and dad always argued for as long as I can remember, and I had to be there for my brother when they argued. I only did like a year of sports, and have only been in a few different clubs throughout my life. It really sucks that I didn't get to live a "fun" childhood, and instead I had to look out for my brother (who we don't even get along with anymore).
That's why I enjoy spending so much time at the church. Working with the kids, or greeting people, or whatever. It keeps my mind off all my negative thoughts, and it makes me happy knowing that most of those kids have a loving family, and that they can be themselves.
So, here I am, at gramma's place, while mom and my brother is at aunt's house. I'm trying (and kinda failing) to do my schoolwork. Oh yeah, and not to mention that there's basically no Christmas decorations at either place, since mom never paid storage. So, it's almost a repeat of last year.
I know schoolwork is important, but it honestly feels like I don't have anything to work for. Sure, it would be cool to hurry and finish school and get the heck outta here, but sometimes I just kinda wanna be in my own field. My best friend, his family, the church, and the kids I work with- they all give me some kind of hope, though. Doing anything for myself is out the window. Like, I can work for them, so that way, somehow, I can help make a good difference in the life of someone else.
I know that regarding family, you can't change the past, but I don't really know what else to do anymore. I'm worrying over everything again, but I really just wish I could do something. There's no point in trying to ask to see a doctor or something, because I'll get blown off. I'm just tired of this family drama all the time, and I want to be genuinely happy again. If that would be something feasible to get as a Christmas present, I'd so take that over anything else- to be happy and to have a family back together.
Thanks to anyone that read it this far.
~Brice :)
I thought I had a good run going for about a month or so. I was moody, but I never got terribly upset.
Starting around last Friday, it just feels like I'm just going downhill again. I honestly think it's my family, but I just don't want to 'throw the blame' on them.
It just feels like my mom and I can never communicate clearly. I try to talk to her or get help on homework or something, and she either says "mhmm" to everything or blows me off completely. If I need help with homework, she tells me to ask my aunt. Dad isn't much help either. I'm supposed to go to his house every other weekend, but I don't see a point because we don't hang out. He spends most of his time either at the internet arcade or locked in his room.
The rest of my family, I don't even know. Dad's adopted, so I don't even know his (biological) history, and mom's side doesn't care much to talk about anything.
We can't even get through a holiday dinner at either house without some kind of argument starting. It just leaves a bad taste.
Basically, it's tearing me apart that- My family isn't one of those "happy-go-lucky" families that can get through a holiday meal. Mom and dad always argued for as long as I can remember, and I had to be there for my brother when they argued. I only did like a year of sports, and have only been in a few different clubs throughout my life. It really sucks that I didn't get to live a "fun" childhood, and instead I had to look out for my brother (who we don't even get along with anymore).
That's why I enjoy spending so much time at the church. Working with the kids, or greeting people, or whatever. It keeps my mind off all my negative thoughts, and it makes me happy knowing that most of those kids have a loving family, and that they can be themselves.
So, here I am, at gramma's place, while mom and my brother is at aunt's house. I'm trying (and kinda failing) to do my schoolwork. Oh yeah, and not to mention that there's basically no Christmas decorations at either place, since mom never paid storage. So, it's almost a repeat of last year.
I know schoolwork is important, but it honestly feels like I don't have anything to work for. Sure, it would be cool to hurry and finish school and get the heck outta here, but sometimes I just kinda wanna be in my own field. My best friend, his family, the church, and the kids I work with- they all give me some kind of hope, though. Doing anything for myself is out the window. Like, I can work for them, so that way, somehow, I can help make a good difference in the life of someone else.
I know that regarding family, you can't change the past, but I don't really know what else to do anymore. I'm worrying over everything again, but I really just wish I could do something. There's no point in trying to ask to see a doctor or something, because I'll get blown off. I'm just tired of this family drama all the time, and I want to be genuinely happy again. If that would be something feasible to get as a Christmas present, I'd so take that over anything else- to be happy and to have a family back together.
Thanks to anyone that read it this far.
~Brice :)