Starting to go down hill again..

[RedViper]

Over the past few days I've felt like shit for no apparent reason. I first started to feel like it again at my sister's a few days ago. I just felt really sad all of a sudden and ever since I've been feeling really depressed for no reason. Usually this would happen when I just over think the past or other things in my life, but this time I have no reason to feel like this. I was perfectly happy, everything was great.
I used to cut myself, but I've been clean for 233 days. Literally like 1 minutes ago I actually had a blade in my hand.. I so want to cut again, but I can't do that to myself. I just need the release of a fresh cut. I don't know how much longer I can stop myself..
I don't really have anyone to talk to any more, about things like this anyway (hence why I'm writing this), because my 'bestfriend' decided i wasn't worth her time about 9-10 months ago and since then I haven't really had anyone. i do have one friend, but she lives in New Zealand and I can't talk to her very often. I don't know really know what I expect from writing this.. I think I just needed to let it out, so thanks for reading..

[Noirtier]

Over the past few days I've felt like shit for no apparent reason. I first started to feel like it again at my sister's a few days ago. I just felt really sad all of a sudden and ever since I've been feeling really depressed for no reason. Usually this would happen when I just over think the past or other things in my life, but this time I have no reason to feel like this. I was perfectly happy, everything was great.
I used to cut myself, but I've been clean for 233 days. Literally like 1 minutes ago I actually had a blade in my hand.. I so want to cut again, but I can't do that to myself. I just need the release of a fresh cut. I don't know how much longer I can stop myself..
I don't really have anyone to talk to any more, about things like this anyway (hence why I'm writing this), because my 'bestfriend' decided i wasn't worth her time about 9-10 months ago and since then I haven't really had anyone. i do have one friend, but she lives in New Zealand and I can't talk to her very often. I don't know really know what I expect from writing this.. I think I just needed to let it out, so thanks for reading..

First I want to say that I think it's amazing that you've made it 233 days, that's really outstanding. Congratulations, really. Now, there could be something that triggered feeling this way, whether you realize it or not. Or it could just have kind of... happened. It's hard to feel this way, it really is. Try and distract yourself, not just from the urges you have been feeling to cut, but also from the depression. Watch tv or a movie, read a book, etc., you've made it 233 days, I'm assuming you've heard that before. But another great thing to do would be to try doing some art and writing. Pour out your feelings into the artwork or into the writing, I know you've written some things in The Open Book before. I would also advise you to try journaling how you are feeling, to just get everything out. To help you not keep everything bottled up, and in doing so make it all worse. And you do have people to talk to--you have all of us here. I know it's not the same, but everyone here is here to help you and support you, and we care about you. I hope you start feeling better, and if you ever need anything feel free to PM me.

[RedViper]

Thank you so much, that means a lot.
Those are the things that I do to help fight the urges, but I could be halfway through watching a movie or something and, out of nowhere, I'll get an urge to cut. I'm not sure what to do any more, but once again thank you so much :)

[ImCoolBeans]

233 is excellent. Congratulations on making it so far -- that really is remarkable. You've come such a long way and have proved that you are strong enough to beat those urges. You've shown that they are not in control of you; but it is you who is control of them. I have found that the best way to keep myself clean from anything is to keep myself a bit busier than normal. I don't mean anything overwhelming; but when you allow yourself to sit and over-think things, especially about your urges and anything that triggers them, you tend to start rationalizing the thought of going back to self harm. By rationalizing the thoughts you think of acceptable excuses or reasons as to why you think it would be okay to go back and do it again. This may not be the case for everyone; but I have found it to be true in my experiences and I've also seen it work for others as well.

As for your friend, if she wrote you off in such a way and decided that you "weren't worth her time", then I don't think she was really worth YOUR time. Friends who leave friends hanging like that aren't very good examples of friends and lack the loyalty which is key in a close friendship. Losing a friend is never a good time and it can really bring you down -- especially when you're fighting urges to self harm -- however you need to be able to accept that the friendship is over and that you'll need to move on. If you fester and stew over it for any longer you'll just be putting yourself in a worse situation with your depression and urges. Try to make stronger friendships with some of your other friends, and if not, then you can always extend yourself to new people and form new friendships. Some fresh faces and new people to get to know can be exciting and can help take your mind off of negative things for a while -- it might be nice to have a little bit of change in the routine.

I hope all goes well for you; keep us posted with how you're doing. Best of luck.

[RedViper]

I have accepted that our friendship is over, it was quite sometime ago, it's just that she was the only person I had to talk to and I haven't been able to build a relationship with anyone else like I had with her.
And Thank you :)
Oh and btw I came out as bi to my parents today, they were completely fine with it. It's made me feel a bit better.

[Thunderstorm]

Congrats on the 233 days. You should definitely be proud of that. Keep it going. Wan to know how? Keep on pushing forward. Just act like the past is chasing you, and if you don't psuh forward with enough will you will be swallowed up forever. Look forward to things in the future and count down the days to them. Think of the things you CAN accomplish rather than the things you HAVEN'T. It's just better to look towards the fuutre for hope than the past.