My Life is Falling Apart at the Seems

[amscramhick]

About a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me and it feels like he's been toying with me since. He wants me, he wants to be friends. Another guy has been in love with me for over a year. And I keep hurting him in an attempt to make him happy. It feels like cycles keep repeating and my stress levels and anxiety levels are through the roof. Two and a half weeks ago, I broke apart a pencil sharpener for it's razor blade and I cut for the first time in 9 months. They healed up and now I have 27 perfect lines on my right thigh. I feel invisible at home and school. I'm hopeless. Two days ago, I cut again. All I had was a safety pin. Scratched 6 little lines into my right forearm. They won't even scar. Then today, after being at school and being treated as nothing more than a friend by the guy I'm totally in love with, and having someone I care for deeply continue not to talk to me while no one else notices I'm depressed again, I came home, broke apart a razor and put 6 new shallow cuts in my thigh. Then 5 more and one deep one. I can't help but feel like my cuts are a work of art. I cut between scars so as not to ruin them. And today I found out my family may fall apart. I don't think I could handle that. I'm not doing good and I'm not proud of myself. And I don't want to burden my best friend when she finally seems happy herself. I think I'll just suffer in silence, completely alone in the world like I've been for years. I'm not really asking for advice, I don't really know what kind of advice anyone could give. I just needed to write this out.

[xXJust Jump ItXx]

Its always good to let things out... It helps. I know how you feel and its horrible thing to have keep happening. I dont know how but I keep myself from cutting and I have a razor in my room still, the stupidness there. But the cycle or for me, continuous extremly high level of stress and depression... It takes it out of you emotionally and physically! I am at this point a mess, both mentally and physically. I cant do anything anymore to stop it! I cant cut, and I want to soo freaking bad! :mad: I really hope things get better for you though. Bout your scars too.. I know how you feel, I mean with mine.. they are me and who I am and I like them but I hate them so much too cause I have to hide them! I hate what I did and dont want people to see them! At this point I wanna give up, but I cant cause I dont know how.

[ackmedsgirl666]

well what you just did was good. you let everything out so hopefully that made you feel a little better.... but anyways sounds to me like you have some serious thinking to to about your love life... continue to get played around by the guy who you still love but dont have another chance with... or move on and be with this guy who you know likes you and will treat him right... bottom line is to try and avoid the cutting.... because cutting is a terrible addiction.. i am a cutter and i am still fighting after 4 years of letting sharp objects get the best of me... i nearly lost my life to cutting and i am hoping that you dont. stay strong hun things will get better
seek coucenlling. talk to someone you trust. it will all work out in the end :)