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Hauptmann Kauffman
October 4th, 2007, 09:32 PM
Could you guys critique my essay? Its ready for my teacher, but Its not due until Teusday. i would love it if some other could critique it too!:D




“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. “
Dwight D. Eisenhower

That famous quote, to me, describes the twisted priorities of the major world powers such as the U.S. Such gigantic nations spend only a small percentage of funds on schools, cures for ailments, and help for the poor. And a huge percentage of the rest of the nation’s funds go towards funding current wars, and maintaining war readiness.
For example, the US spends 51% of its GDP on the military, and only 49% on education and other social programs. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have cost us $315 billion up to September 2007. Those funds could have been spent to help find cures for cancer, AIDS, and other deadly diseases. It could have helped fight poverty, and help expand opportunities for people of less developed countries.
Congress is only worsening this problem. In past years, Congress has given the Pentagon over $30 Billion more than it asked for, while cutting back substantially on job training, environmental, housing and health programs. In 1980, the US spent $2 on the Pentagon for every $1 it spent on aid to cities. Today, over a decade later, the Pentagon gets over $4 to the $1 we spend on aid to cities.
For another example, after the Cold War, Russia reduced its military spending by three-fourths. The U.S., under the Reagan administration, kept our post cold war spending at cold war levels, and over time, the budget slowly sank to 83% of what it was during the height of the cold war. But in 1993, Clinton passed the "Bottom-Up Review,” which replaced our Cold War enemies with new ones, such as Iran, Libya, and North Korea, so we could keep our military spending at the high levels they are today. That’s not counting our current Iraq and Afghanistan wars. I can only imagine how amazing this world would be if that money had been spent towards education and other public functions.
In summary, Eisenhower’s quote means many things to me. It reveals the obvious imbalances in U.S. spending. The Gargantuan amounts of money accorded to the military, compared to the miniscule amounts provided to education, reducing poverty, and fighting disease, really doesn’t help me view the U.S. as a people-loving, war-hating nation. I hope that we can realize what is truly important in this world, instead of spending billions on the military and defense.



Thanks for your help!:D

0=
October 4th, 2007, 10:22 PM
Some of the corrections I make may not apply based on your grade. Just for future reference, never write a single sentence within your essay in past-tense. You also make a few unsupported statements. Your statements should simply reflect the facts you present and connect them to your thesis statement. You should never use I, we, or our in an essay, and never abbreviate country, state, or territory names or material goods. Things such as gross domestic product may be abbreviated, but the first time it is used it should be written in full with the abbreviation or acronym in parentheses (unless you do not use it again in the essay, in which case listing the acronym or abbreviation is pointless). Never use contractions.




“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. “-Dwight D. Eisenhower

That famous quote describes the twisted priorities of the developed world, particularly the United States. Such gigantic nations spend only a small percentage of funds on schools, medical research, and aid for the poor. A massive percentage of the rest of the nation’s funds go towards funding wars and maintaining war readiness.
For example, the United States spends 51% of its gross domestic product on military programs and only 49% on education and other important social programs. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have cost the United States $315 billion as of September, 2007. Those funds should have been spent on medical research for cancer, AIDS, and other deadly diseases. Such funding would help fight poverty and expand opportunities for people in developing countries.(Evidence?)
Congress is only worsening this problem. In past years, Congress has given the Pentagon over $30 billion more than it requested, while cutting funding substantially on job training, environmental, housing and health care programs. In 1980, the United States spent $2 on the Pentagon for every $1 it spent on aid to cities. Today, over a decade later, the Pentagon gets over $4 to the $1 spent on aid to cities.
Additionally, after the Cold War, Russia reduced its military spending by three-fourths. The United States, under the Reagan administration, maintained post-Cold War spending at Cold War levels, and over time, the budget slowly sank to 83% of what it was during the height of the Cold War. But in 1993, President Clinton passed the "Bottom-Up Review,” which replaced our Cold War enemies with new ones, such as Iran, Libya, and North Korea, in order to maintain military spending at the high levels they are today. That does not include the current Iraq and Afghanistan wars. One can only imagine how amazing this world would be if that money had been spent towards education and other public functions.
In summary, Eisenhower’s quote means many things to me. It reveals the obvious imbalances in United States spending. The gargantuan amounts of money accorded to the military, compared to the minuscule amount provided to education, reducing poverty, and fighting disease, really does not help improve the negative perception of the United States as a whole. Something must be done in order to change course to spend less on wars and more on important social issues.

Hauptmann Kauffman
October 4th, 2007, 10:29 PM
Thanks! This 9th grade English essay will rock!:P I can always use more opinions!:D

byee
October 4th, 2007, 11:21 PM
Well, eventhough you didn't ask me, I found you anyway! A new found friend once described something we had both read as 'elegant, and violent at the same time'. I believe he was talking about the stylistic components aiding the underlying theme, a way of letting the facts speak for themselves, rather than clutter up the argument with emotion. I like to think my pal was saying something complimentary about the author, he seemed pleased.

I personally like your essay, it makes a rather important point, and you present it logically, and you support your conclusions with facts. You're obviously very smart. But, in addition to 'O=' advice, maybe you could present the facts without the emotionally leading words like 'twisted', 'gigantic', etc. Maybe something like 'sadly revealing policies of the world's leading countries'. maybe you could use your awareness of the effectiveness of that other author's piece, the 'elegantly violent' one, and incorporate your awareness of what made it that way into yours.

Facts speak for themselves when one is confident of one's position. The author's responsibility is to merely highlight them for the reader, the result is far more effective when they discover their own emotional reaction to the facts rather being led to it.

Hauptmann Kauffman
October 5th, 2007, 12:10 AM
Ina ny other type of essay, i wouldve done exactly what youa re suggsting Sam. the only problem is, this is an opinion piece about what I think of that quote. SO I felt that Its needed a little emotion, as I am not an emotionless zombie:P :D

Hauptmann Kauffman
October 5th, 2007, 12:10 AM
In any other type of essay, i wouldve done exactly what you are suggsting Sam. The only problem is, this is an opinion piece about what I think of that quote. SO I felt that Its needed a little emotion, as I am not an emotionless zombie:P :D

byee
October 5th, 2007, 12:24 PM
No, Hannibal, I wouldn't call YOU an emotionless zombie. That would not be an accurate dewscription at all! LOL!

However, you can write an opinionated piece without leading the reader too much with your own emotions, esp when the subject matter speaks so eloquently (elegantly?) on it's own. It IS a shame that as an advanced society we have neglected those who need us the most. I'm suggesting you say what you need to, support it with facts and stats, and leave out the hyperbole. You might just try it and see how it sounds to you. JMHO.

Archduke Robert of France
October 5th, 2007, 05:07 PM
As another inetesting fact you may want to add to your essay, two out of every five taxpayer dollars goes to national defense.

Hauptmann Kauffman
October 5th, 2007, 05:12 PM
Archduke, I would gladly include that if you can give me a source! =D And Sam, I will take your suggestions into account. thank you! :D