crumbling

[HandheldOutlaw]

I've been posting a lot lately.
Sorry guys. :/

This may be triggering. Just a friendly warning.

I want to die. Just recently had an abortion (before someone flips on me--it was rape. I couldn't handle it). I feel guilty and alone. I got kicked ou of my aunt and uncle's house because of the pregnancy. I am now living with my best friend. We'll call him J. He's perfect and wonderful and the best friend I could ever ask for. I love him to death.

Recently I haven't been able to pull myself together for anything. I'm an AP student...taking five AP courses. None of which I can handle. My drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. All I want to do is get wasted. It's fucked but it relieves the tension. I've been cutting. Burning. Hitting. All I want is to hurt but be numb.

Memories of the abuse (my father mostly) are haunting me. I am almost always dissociated. I can't sleep anymore. Every time I close my eyes I feel see smell hear him there. I feel his weight all around me I feel him laughing yelling at me hurting me telling me how badbadbad I am.
What's the point of trying when. I know I'm going to lose.

Just.
Fuck it all.

[survivor]

You have every right to feel upset. Anyone would feel this way if they had had things like this happen to them. A fraction of the things you have mentioned have happened in my life and I've put myself in dangerous situations because of them. Right now it may seem like everything sucks, but everyone was given some blessings. Hold onto the fact that your friend took you in and hang with those who support you. If you need to talk feel free to PM me. You can't put the weight of the world on yourself, you have to find someone, or some people, you can confide in.

[Stronk Serb]

I am against abortions, but if it is rape, I guess you can do it, shame on your aunt and uncle for kicking you out, it was not your fault, do not die, want to feel powerful and strong? I think you do, you will be stronger by living, by letting go, for addictions to booze and cutting, not instantly, but in time, step by step, first, try to drink and cut less (no cutting one day and no booze for one day or example, maybe a bit less booze and cutting on a daily basis every couple of days/week). Help your friend a bit, study a bit, find a hobby maybe. I found that for me making and painting Warhammer 40k miniatures is very relaxing and stops making me want to hang on my PC all day, try doing something creative like origami, or something that relaxes you, it will get better when you start feeling happy. I wanted to commit suicide because of bullying, but my cousins really helped me overcome it, now I am standing tall and proud of myself. I hope your situation will get better. Good friends can care and help you the same as family members, tell your friends how you feel and maybe, file a law suit against that asshole that raped you, he will pretty much get a slice of hell in prison, since inmates hate rapiats and punish them physically every day, ad after prison, no one would accept a rapist to a job with even one female worker, he will have very limited options. That is the kind of revenge I would like, he will be sundered, wrecked, destroyed, while you will be in a better position.

[PrimedPenguin]

Hey I saw your post. I feel sorry for you, I'm not sure of all the emotions now do I hope to but if you need someone to vent at I'm available. But don't give up life's to precious to waste. I know life's hard right now but it will get better I know it's hard to amagine but the more you Linger over how bad it is the worse it will seem. Stay in the AP classes they will help you later in life. A little personal question but do you believe in god?

Ps: that man should be shot.

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thank you everyone.
Jess: thank you. :) I let him know every day that he's done so much for me. He says its no big deal but for me, it really is.
Ninja: thank you. No. I don't feel ok about it. Even if it was rape :/ I really want to be a mom and on my own terms. I feel intense guilt be shame. I should have been strong and tried. But I gave up. As usual.
I've been trying to find something to do with myself..not going so well. :/ thank you for all of your advice.
Colton: I'm on the fence. Scared to believe but I really really want to...

[HandheldOutlaw]

Thank you everyone.
Jess: thank you. :) I let him know every day that he's done so much for me. He says its no big deal but for me, it really is.
Ninja: thank you. No. I don't feel ok about it. Even if it was rape :/ I really want to be a mom and on my own terms. I feel intense guilt be shame. I should have been strong and tried. But I gave up. As usual.
I've been trying to find something to do with myself..not going so well. :/ thank you for all of your advice.
Colton: I'm on the fence. Scared to believe but I really really want to...

[PrimedPenguin]

Your welcome best of luck to you. :)

[Stronk Serb]

You're welcome, I kinda thought you did not feel ok, I am against abortions, but sometimes... It gets out of control, anyways, best of luck to you!

[survivor]

Keep on fighting :)