ackmedsgirl666
November 21st, 2012, 01:24 AM
i feel like my heart has actually been broken </3
not by my boyfriend "no" but by my bestfriend
she(he) goes on and drops hints like he likes me..... and judging by how he was carrying on earlier i figured he did. the way he was posting all over my VT threads and stuff... and grabbing at me earlier and wrestling around. i miss him and i feel like i am losing him...and i know i can be a better person for him. i would call him everyday. come visit whenever i have money.... treat him well and make him happy... not for sex or for money.. im a different person then i was all those years ago when me and him were together.... weve been bestfriend for going on 5 years in september.... and i just wanna get closer to him... i know that my boyfriend and even the person this thread is about are probably reading this since they are both apart of the VT community..... i want my boyfriend to know how i really feel... i need to get away from everything. i dont hate him nor do i wanna lose him as a friend.... and to the guy who i am really good friends with(im sure hes reading this) i want him to know how i really feel. i dont wanna hide these feelings anymore... i like starting into his soft blue eyes.... reaching past all the bad and the hate....i know he wants to be a guy.. and i support that.... no matter what he decides i will always stand by him.. i love him so much.... and all those years that childrens aid kept us apart i never stopped thinking about him... i think the thing tying me down the past 10 months isnt about my ex "cody" no this whole time its been focused around my bestfriend.. guess he was right calling me a jerk and saying i always choose dick over him.. hes right... i should have listened. i always meant to be a good friend to him.... i never meant to ever treat him bad... my actions have been caused because of what my "boyfriends" though of him.... calling him dirty,, a faggot,, a homo,,,, and anything else bad.... and i didnt do anything about it..... right now i am sitting here hating myself wishing i was dead...
after being in his house for the past week and getting close with him again and trying to gain back his trust.. i truly truly love him and i would choose to spend the rest of my life with him over anybody.. and idk what my sexuality is at this point whether i am a lesbian or bi-sexual all i know is this bestfriend is who truly brought me out of the dark shadows.... helped me out of the closest..... re-build my dreams... and after all the good he has done for me i have still chosen dick over him.. i am truly a terrible terrible person.... ive been going about everything the wrong way....and now i am sitting here regretting everything that has been said or done.
idk what i would ever do if i lost him for good... because hes too good.. and i dont want him gone... i love him... hes my everything..... but idk what to do anymore.. ive given up on myself.. i look at him and get this feeling... this shiver....and i realize now that is a good thing... idk what i would do if i had never met him... i have watched her(him) grow from a sweet innocent young female to a sexy grown up man(hes trans) and i respect that.. theres no other way i can go about this.. i just cant stop typing.. idk who will actually take the time to read to. hes given me so many chances and i have fucked him over so many goddamn times.. and some times more worse than others. i see the look he has on his face when i kiss other people.... he says hes over me... "but is he really" idk what to think...
i really hope he isnt... because all i can think of is how happy he made me and how happy he still makes me.... i wanna be there for him through everything.. i love him for who he is.. and the thing that has made it hard over the years is feeling the hurt... i hated seeing him with other people... right now hes in an un-steady relationship(long distance) and aside from all the bullshit this new boyfriend has put him through i have made it a hell of alot worse... if me and him could be together maybe our bond would be stronger....i would do anything in the world for him to stop hurting... i would do anything to make him happy.
anyways im gonna cut this of now its getting to long. im gonna add this to my blog and add more to it.. anyways more or less a rant..
and to my bestfriend if your reading this then you now know how i truly feel about you.. so much i wanna tell you.. and this is how it has to be done...
and to my boyfriend if your reading this...... i am sorry..... i dont wanna hurt you anymore... and lie to you.... i dont wanna hurt anybody </3
not by my boyfriend "no" but by my bestfriend
she(he) goes on and drops hints like he likes me..... and judging by how he was carrying on earlier i figured he did. the way he was posting all over my VT threads and stuff... and grabbing at me earlier and wrestling around. i miss him and i feel like i am losing him...and i know i can be a better person for him. i would call him everyday. come visit whenever i have money.... treat him well and make him happy... not for sex or for money.. im a different person then i was all those years ago when me and him were together.... weve been bestfriend for going on 5 years in september.... and i just wanna get closer to him... i know that my boyfriend and even the person this thread is about are probably reading this since they are both apart of the VT community..... i want my boyfriend to know how i really feel... i need to get away from everything. i dont hate him nor do i wanna lose him as a friend.... and to the guy who i am really good friends with(im sure hes reading this) i want him to know how i really feel. i dont wanna hide these feelings anymore... i like starting into his soft blue eyes.... reaching past all the bad and the hate....i know he wants to be a guy.. and i support that.... no matter what he decides i will always stand by him.. i love him so much.... and all those years that childrens aid kept us apart i never stopped thinking about him... i think the thing tying me down the past 10 months isnt about my ex "cody" no this whole time its been focused around my bestfriend.. guess he was right calling me a jerk and saying i always choose dick over him.. hes right... i should have listened. i always meant to be a good friend to him.... i never meant to ever treat him bad... my actions have been caused because of what my "boyfriends" though of him.... calling him dirty,, a faggot,, a homo,,,, and anything else bad.... and i didnt do anything about it..... right now i am sitting here hating myself wishing i was dead...
after being in his house for the past week and getting close with him again and trying to gain back his trust.. i truly truly love him and i would choose to spend the rest of my life with him over anybody.. and idk what my sexuality is at this point whether i am a lesbian or bi-sexual all i know is this bestfriend is who truly brought me out of the dark shadows.... helped me out of the closest..... re-build my dreams... and after all the good he has done for me i have still chosen dick over him.. i am truly a terrible terrible person.... ive been going about everything the wrong way....and now i am sitting here regretting everything that has been said or done.
idk what i would ever do if i lost him for good... because hes too good.. and i dont want him gone... i love him... hes my everything..... but idk what to do anymore.. ive given up on myself.. i look at him and get this feeling... this shiver....and i realize now that is a good thing... idk what i would do if i had never met him... i have watched her(him) grow from a sweet innocent young female to a sexy grown up man(hes trans) and i respect that.. theres no other way i can go about this.. i just cant stop typing.. idk who will actually take the time to read to. hes given me so many chances and i have fucked him over so many goddamn times.. and some times more worse than others. i see the look he has on his face when i kiss other people.... he says hes over me... "but is he really" idk what to think...
i really hope he isnt... because all i can think of is how happy he made me and how happy he still makes me.... i wanna be there for him through everything.. i love him for who he is.. and the thing that has made it hard over the years is feeling the hurt... i hated seeing him with other people... right now hes in an un-steady relationship(long distance) and aside from all the bullshit this new boyfriend has put him through i have made it a hell of alot worse... if me and him could be together maybe our bond would be stronger....i would do anything in the world for him to stop hurting... i would do anything to make him happy.
anyways im gonna cut this of now its getting to long. im gonna add this to my blog and add more to it.. anyways more or less a rant..
and to my bestfriend if your reading this then you now know how i truly feel about you.. so much i wanna tell you.. and this is how it has to be done...
and to my boyfriend if your reading this...... i am sorry..... i dont wanna hurt you anymore... and lie to you.... i dont wanna hurt anybody </3