MisterNobody
November 16th, 2012, 01:00 AM
Really need some follow-up advice here... please, read the entire thing so you have a handle on my situation; if not, don't bother replying. Here's the story...
I'm going crazy over here. My Long Distance GF dumped me last month and I would like to have her back in my life. Allow me to explain. Bear with me here.
First off, both my ex and myself are in our mid-late teens. Two years ago, we met on an online forum for a game we both played. We hit it off and after a few days, I asked her out. As the months went by, it was obvious: while we had our differences, they always worked in our favor, and despite the distance, we were truly in love with each other. Soon, we grew inseparable and so very close - there was nothing we couldn't say or do in front of each other. We were soul mates, we saw a future together, we couldn't imagine life without each other. We had a true-blue love, and trust me, I knew it was real by the way she looked at me. Everything was great for the first year. We spent every day together IMing, Texting, and Video Chatting. We courted each other, got to know one another, and we knew what we wanted. Going into our second year, we anticipated finally bridging the gap between the distance. During this past summer, with both families on board, we met up twice. The first time was at an Italian restaurant. When we met, there was such a strong, instant attraction - the chemistry was far more powerful than we had anticipated. We spent about 1.5 hours bonding over lunch, and needless to say, we were even more hooked on each other. A month or so later, we met up again, this time at her house to meet more of her family. We spent a lot more quality time together, and again, the chemistry between us felt like an unquenchable flame. It was love, and I will say it again, it was written all over her face and in her eyes. I knew I couldn't lose her. I knew I she was the one. Please believe me when I say this, but I am a very sensitive person, and I am very perceptive. When I get that gut-feeling that something is meant to be or is going to happen (and I've had it before in other situations), I'm always right. That's exactly how I felt about us. This was not some stupid High School fling. We were completely serious, dedicated, and committed. Our level of trust and communication for people our age was off the charts. High School sweethearts couldn't even hold a flame to our relationship. It was like we had waited an eternity to be together, and it felt as if we had already spent a lifetime together.
That being said, the summer brought many struggles for me, and changes for us. The dynamics of our relationship drastically changed. I had been dealing with horrible sickness in my family, and it took a toll on me, as I became the caregiver for my ailing grandmother (she suffered from heart problems, but I won't go into that here). I had also been sexually assaulted by a member of my family during that time, and being a former victim of sexual abuse as a child, and being completely numb from the trauma that was unfolding around me with my grandmother, I was totally out of it and unable to handle the situation. I was away from home, my grandmother was too sick to help, and the only family I had up there never would have believed me. My parents, back home, were also in the process of adopting a baby. All of this, along with my heavy emotional baggage, did I dump on my girlfriend, and yes, I now see how wrong that was. During the summer, she started asking for personal space, saying it wasn't healthy to be glued to each other all the time, and while we still remained in contact every day, I had my own issues to sort through, and I didn't handle not being together 24/7 well. My problem, my mistake, I know. You don't have to tell me.
During this time, we had started bickering, over stupidity, but eventually, we couldn't stop. Every time we tried, we picked it back up. There for a while everything seemed okay, but I guess we were both a bit jaded and resentful by then. The sad part is, there wasn't a real issue, or rather, no reason for the fighting. I was too sensitive and she was a bit too callous towards the end. However, I wish not to portray my ex in a negative light. She doesn't deserve that. The main cause of our arguments started with her mother (she was rather... difficult... in helping us see each other), and then I'd just pick on problems that weren't there. Looking back, I didn't let her be independent enough... I'd get jealous over her spending time with her best friend (only because her best friend wanted to break us up), and overall, I was very insecure. I'm not saying my ex was perfect, but I'm just saying I realize I did a lot of things wrong.
Eventually, we got into a pattern of "kind of breaking up" but not really (something I always initiated), and eventually, she started avoiding me (in September I think). She'd say she was busy, or make up excuses not to talk to me. In the end, last month, she turned the tables on me and told me she didn't want this anymore, and decided she would try to hurt me to get me to go away. HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CONFUSING. She broke up with me, and said she needed space, but she would eventually come around and we'd be back together within a few weeks. I didn't handle this well, and this was all on video chat. She did NOT make it clear what she wanted, how long she needed, and I was mislead. I didn't understand how to give her space, and this messed me up. I ended up writing her a long letter and she got even more mad. I thought it'd win her back, but I was wrong. Then she told me that this proved I didn't change (I didn't know I had to change, or what she wanted me to change, but I surmised she was referring to my clingyness/insecurity). I wanted to change that. She said we could be friends and work our way back up to dating again, we just needed a sort of courting period. Then we didn't talk for a few days, I texted her because my grandma was in the hospital again, and we talked, and then I got another text for my birthday, and I got her on video chat the next day, and she was mad that I turned a simple birthday text into a conversation, but at this point, she was throwing so many mixed signals, I needed an answer. So while I stayed calm, because at this point I had learned that only I could make myself happy, she was irate with me, saying I wasted all my chances, (chances I didn't even know she was giving me...) She said she had to go after 54 minutes of this nonesense, and she said we could IM and, laughing like her old self, saying things like "of course we'll talk again, this Monday." and "we can IM tonight." In my heart, I didn't buy it, nor did I wait for that day, because I was so hurt and afraid at that point. She IMed that night and I didn't reply. The following day, I texted her when I knew she'd be by her phone. I texted "hey", then texted "I was wondering if you'd like to chill tonight on video chat, just to talk about whatever, no pressure, just friend stuff". I thought I was doing what she wanted. She told me she would always get my texts and read them, but she wouldn't reply to things that made her mad or whatever. I didn't hear back after 30 minutes and texted her again. My mistake. And after working so hard to respect her space... I told her I couldn't handle not having her in my life and I wanted to be friends, I wanted her in my life somehow, and I told her I coulnd't handle being cut off. I asked if we could be friends, and I never got a reply since. It's been 20 days since I sent that text. Part of me wonders if she ever got it, or why she didn't respond if she did.
Now, here we go with even more confusing information. All this time, during all of our conversations, she had always retained a sort of softness, saying she loves me and is still attracted to me and still cares for me, and always will. She had showed hope for getting back together, and desire to work things out at some point. She even mentioned wanting to have sex with me. But I feel as if, through a horrible chain of miscommunication, she got confused, and I got lost, and she just got frustrated and gave up. I dont know. I know I hurt her. And likewise, she hurt me. I know the summer messed up the balance we had. I temporarily changed because of the stress in my life, and she tried handling it until she couldn't anymore. I know I was wrong and I took her for granted, and I do not wanted to speak for her or speak ill of her. I'll let you make your own minds up. Regardless, I know she still loves me, only because she has expressed it, not because I am conceited or a know-it-all. Again, I am going by that gut-instinct, and trust me, I know that we can get over this. I know it. The question is HOW?
I haven't broken the silence in 20 days. I knew I had to regroup and collect myself. I am now proud to say that I have learned how to be happy without her by pursuing my hobbies and spending time with family and amazing friends, both online and in my life. I have been vlogging on youtube, playing and creating music, journaling, biking, skateboarding, and doing what I love. I forgot to do these things when I was with her, and I am glad to see myself again, haha. I have even started studying famous philosophers and prophets and meditating on their insightful quotes. But I must admit, that while I am CHOOSING to be happy and to be zen, and to RESPECT my ex girlfriend's independence and space, I still feel empty and not totally happy, and I do not know how to initiate contact with her again out of fear of being ignored or rejected. I figured I may as well finish out the 30 days NC (no contact) thing, but what happens after that? I have watched every pitch video on 'get your ex back' systems, and to be honest, I do not feel comfortable manipulating her that way. I would never want to hurt her like that, HOWEVER, I would like to learn how to regain her trust and communicate with her, and eventually have her back in my life, because I know this is possible, and I am very confident in that.
The way I see it, she got hurt, and now her walls are up, and she is just protecting her heart from getting more hurt. That's just how I see it. I don't know. But knowing her, that sounds about right. She is a very patient person by nature, and she is very sensitive. She comes off as a tough cookie, but she really isn't. And like anybody else, she reached her breaking point, and she shut me out to protect herself... I get that... As for me, like I said, I am trying to finally give her that space, but it is eating me up. I make it through the day, but at nighttime, I lie awake wondering where I went wrong, and what she's doing, and wondering if she's okay and if we'll ever talk again. What sucks is that she knew everything, all of my secrets, and now all of these problems are starting to pop up out of nowhere and she's the only one who I am comfortable talking about them with - I have been very tempted to text her and ask to talk with her about them, just as an honest friend, but now that I waited and resisted, I see that wouldn't be the right thing to do, as I would just seem needy.
So in conclusion, I have chosen to reap the positives, take her advice and change for the better because *I* want to, not because she told me so, and to remain happy and busy regardless of my relationship status. However, that's where the confidence ends and the "what happens next?" sets in.... really, what DOES happen next? Do I continue the NC (no contact) rule? Do I wait for her to come around, if that even ever happens? It seems the longer I wait, the more she'll just assume this was the only way to break the fighting and she'll settle with that idea and just move on. I don't want that, especially when it isn't right for either of us. She fed me so much bogus during our conversations, it was like she rehearsed the lines and was convincing herself. This just isn't right and I know it can be mended and we can come back even stronger. I need a way to get her attention again, to get her to want to talk to me, because as of last month, she claimed talking to me didn't seem right, and I surmised that was because of the fighting (albeit, we never yelled or hurt each other, it was actually more so bickering and disagreeing - there was never any cussing or name-calling). At this point, I'm so distraught, should I get another person involved and try to have them talk to her since they're closer to her? I'm mutual friends with one of her friends from school... I just dont know what I'm supposed to do.
So where do I go from here? I have changed, and I know this could work, but how do I get her back into my life again? How do I get her to remember her feelings for me when they're buried under so much miscommunication and hurt? Please, I need your help. This girl is my true love, and I know this is just a rough patch. Any advice would be much appreciated. And please, keep in mind I am a very sensitive individual and I am genuinely trying to change and get my sweetheart back. Negative, hurtful, or malicious responses will only hurt me more. I had a bad experience before, so please, I just ask for respect and advice. If you are going to tell me it isn't worth it, there are other fish in the sea, just give up, etc., then don't even bother replying.
On a side note, I am no longer interested in using any "systems" to get my ex back. Right now, I have been 20 days NC with her, and truthfully, I don't even fully know who initiated it, or if it was even initiated at all. I kind of feel like she might be over there wondering why I haven't contacted her... I'm so confused. She hasn't contacted me, and I haven't contacted her, despite her still wanting to be friends. As of right now, I am looking at sending her a short letter, stating that I accept the break up and she made the right choice to end the fighting, that I am sorry for my mistakes, that I am happy, that things are going well in my life and great things have been happening, and that I would like to be friends later (supposedly a hand written letter, a simple, yet thoughtful card that triggers good mutual memories, and a spritz of perfume will evoke a more sentimental response...) I was going to later send her a happy birthday text in December as a sort of follow-up to test the waters. I just want her back in my life, and I don't believe going NC is going to accomplish that. I'm not going to chase her, I know she has to WANT to come back, but I do want to show her that I'm mature enough to accept what happened and that I've changed back into the person she fell in love with.. only stronger and more mature, and more relaxed... kind of like me 2.0... despite how I may come across, I don't want to force her into coming back, I don't want to come across desperate, and I know there is no magic formula. But I really don't want to give up, either.
Any feedback from anybody who's been through a similar Long Distance (or local, whatever) situation and prevailed would be much appreciated (even if you didn't succeed, it'd be helpful to know what went wrong so I can avoid that..) - and please, as stated before, no negative, spirit-crushing comments. I'm extremely sensitive and it will put me over the edge. I'm really trying my hardest to be positive here! lol (: Thanks!
I'm going crazy over here. My Long Distance GF dumped me last month and I would like to have her back in my life. Allow me to explain. Bear with me here.
First off, both my ex and myself are in our mid-late teens. Two years ago, we met on an online forum for a game we both played. We hit it off and after a few days, I asked her out. As the months went by, it was obvious: while we had our differences, they always worked in our favor, and despite the distance, we were truly in love with each other. Soon, we grew inseparable and so very close - there was nothing we couldn't say or do in front of each other. We were soul mates, we saw a future together, we couldn't imagine life without each other. We had a true-blue love, and trust me, I knew it was real by the way she looked at me. Everything was great for the first year. We spent every day together IMing, Texting, and Video Chatting. We courted each other, got to know one another, and we knew what we wanted. Going into our second year, we anticipated finally bridging the gap between the distance. During this past summer, with both families on board, we met up twice. The first time was at an Italian restaurant. When we met, there was such a strong, instant attraction - the chemistry was far more powerful than we had anticipated. We spent about 1.5 hours bonding over lunch, and needless to say, we were even more hooked on each other. A month or so later, we met up again, this time at her house to meet more of her family. We spent a lot more quality time together, and again, the chemistry between us felt like an unquenchable flame. It was love, and I will say it again, it was written all over her face and in her eyes. I knew I couldn't lose her. I knew I she was the one. Please believe me when I say this, but I am a very sensitive person, and I am very perceptive. When I get that gut-feeling that something is meant to be or is going to happen (and I've had it before in other situations), I'm always right. That's exactly how I felt about us. This was not some stupid High School fling. We were completely serious, dedicated, and committed. Our level of trust and communication for people our age was off the charts. High School sweethearts couldn't even hold a flame to our relationship. It was like we had waited an eternity to be together, and it felt as if we had already spent a lifetime together.
That being said, the summer brought many struggles for me, and changes for us. The dynamics of our relationship drastically changed. I had been dealing with horrible sickness in my family, and it took a toll on me, as I became the caregiver for my ailing grandmother (she suffered from heart problems, but I won't go into that here). I had also been sexually assaulted by a member of my family during that time, and being a former victim of sexual abuse as a child, and being completely numb from the trauma that was unfolding around me with my grandmother, I was totally out of it and unable to handle the situation. I was away from home, my grandmother was too sick to help, and the only family I had up there never would have believed me. My parents, back home, were also in the process of adopting a baby. All of this, along with my heavy emotional baggage, did I dump on my girlfriend, and yes, I now see how wrong that was. During the summer, she started asking for personal space, saying it wasn't healthy to be glued to each other all the time, and while we still remained in contact every day, I had my own issues to sort through, and I didn't handle not being together 24/7 well. My problem, my mistake, I know. You don't have to tell me.
During this time, we had started bickering, over stupidity, but eventually, we couldn't stop. Every time we tried, we picked it back up. There for a while everything seemed okay, but I guess we were both a bit jaded and resentful by then. The sad part is, there wasn't a real issue, or rather, no reason for the fighting. I was too sensitive and she was a bit too callous towards the end. However, I wish not to portray my ex in a negative light. She doesn't deserve that. The main cause of our arguments started with her mother (she was rather... difficult... in helping us see each other), and then I'd just pick on problems that weren't there. Looking back, I didn't let her be independent enough... I'd get jealous over her spending time with her best friend (only because her best friend wanted to break us up), and overall, I was very insecure. I'm not saying my ex was perfect, but I'm just saying I realize I did a lot of things wrong.
Eventually, we got into a pattern of "kind of breaking up" but not really (something I always initiated), and eventually, she started avoiding me (in September I think). She'd say she was busy, or make up excuses not to talk to me. In the end, last month, she turned the tables on me and told me she didn't want this anymore, and decided she would try to hurt me to get me to go away. HERE IS WHERE IT GETS CONFUSING. She broke up with me, and said she needed space, but she would eventually come around and we'd be back together within a few weeks. I didn't handle this well, and this was all on video chat. She did NOT make it clear what she wanted, how long she needed, and I was mislead. I didn't understand how to give her space, and this messed me up. I ended up writing her a long letter and she got even more mad. I thought it'd win her back, but I was wrong. Then she told me that this proved I didn't change (I didn't know I had to change, or what she wanted me to change, but I surmised she was referring to my clingyness/insecurity). I wanted to change that. She said we could be friends and work our way back up to dating again, we just needed a sort of courting period. Then we didn't talk for a few days, I texted her because my grandma was in the hospital again, and we talked, and then I got another text for my birthday, and I got her on video chat the next day, and she was mad that I turned a simple birthday text into a conversation, but at this point, she was throwing so many mixed signals, I needed an answer. So while I stayed calm, because at this point I had learned that only I could make myself happy, she was irate with me, saying I wasted all my chances, (chances I didn't even know she was giving me...) She said she had to go after 54 minutes of this nonesense, and she said we could IM and, laughing like her old self, saying things like "of course we'll talk again, this Monday." and "we can IM tonight." In my heart, I didn't buy it, nor did I wait for that day, because I was so hurt and afraid at that point. She IMed that night and I didn't reply. The following day, I texted her when I knew she'd be by her phone. I texted "hey", then texted "I was wondering if you'd like to chill tonight on video chat, just to talk about whatever, no pressure, just friend stuff". I thought I was doing what she wanted. She told me she would always get my texts and read them, but she wouldn't reply to things that made her mad or whatever. I didn't hear back after 30 minutes and texted her again. My mistake. And after working so hard to respect her space... I told her I couldn't handle not having her in my life and I wanted to be friends, I wanted her in my life somehow, and I told her I coulnd't handle being cut off. I asked if we could be friends, and I never got a reply since. It's been 20 days since I sent that text. Part of me wonders if she ever got it, or why she didn't respond if she did.
Now, here we go with even more confusing information. All this time, during all of our conversations, she had always retained a sort of softness, saying she loves me and is still attracted to me and still cares for me, and always will. She had showed hope for getting back together, and desire to work things out at some point. She even mentioned wanting to have sex with me. But I feel as if, through a horrible chain of miscommunication, she got confused, and I got lost, and she just got frustrated and gave up. I dont know. I know I hurt her. And likewise, she hurt me. I know the summer messed up the balance we had. I temporarily changed because of the stress in my life, and she tried handling it until she couldn't anymore. I know I was wrong and I took her for granted, and I do not wanted to speak for her or speak ill of her. I'll let you make your own minds up. Regardless, I know she still loves me, only because she has expressed it, not because I am conceited or a know-it-all. Again, I am going by that gut-instinct, and trust me, I know that we can get over this. I know it. The question is HOW?
I haven't broken the silence in 20 days. I knew I had to regroup and collect myself. I am now proud to say that I have learned how to be happy without her by pursuing my hobbies and spending time with family and amazing friends, both online and in my life. I have been vlogging on youtube, playing and creating music, journaling, biking, skateboarding, and doing what I love. I forgot to do these things when I was with her, and I am glad to see myself again, haha. I have even started studying famous philosophers and prophets and meditating on their insightful quotes. But I must admit, that while I am CHOOSING to be happy and to be zen, and to RESPECT my ex girlfriend's independence and space, I still feel empty and not totally happy, and I do not know how to initiate contact with her again out of fear of being ignored or rejected. I figured I may as well finish out the 30 days NC (no contact) thing, but what happens after that? I have watched every pitch video on 'get your ex back' systems, and to be honest, I do not feel comfortable manipulating her that way. I would never want to hurt her like that, HOWEVER, I would like to learn how to regain her trust and communicate with her, and eventually have her back in my life, because I know this is possible, and I am very confident in that.
The way I see it, she got hurt, and now her walls are up, and she is just protecting her heart from getting more hurt. That's just how I see it. I don't know. But knowing her, that sounds about right. She is a very patient person by nature, and she is very sensitive. She comes off as a tough cookie, but she really isn't. And like anybody else, she reached her breaking point, and she shut me out to protect herself... I get that... As for me, like I said, I am trying to finally give her that space, but it is eating me up. I make it through the day, but at nighttime, I lie awake wondering where I went wrong, and what she's doing, and wondering if she's okay and if we'll ever talk again. What sucks is that she knew everything, all of my secrets, and now all of these problems are starting to pop up out of nowhere and she's the only one who I am comfortable talking about them with - I have been very tempted to text her and ask to talk with her about them, just as an honest friend, but now that I waited and resisted, I see that wouldn't be the right thing to do, as I would just seem needy.
So in conclusion, I have chosen to reap the positives, take her advice and change for the better because *I* want to, not because she told me so, and to remain happy and busy regardless of my relationship status. However, that's where the confidence ends and the "what happens next?" sets in.... really, what DOES happen next? Do I continue the NC (no contact) rule? Do I wait for her to come around, if that even ever happens? It seems the longer I wait, the more she'll just assume this was the only way to break the fighting and she'll settle with that idea and just move on. I don't want that, especially when it isn't right for either of us. She fed me so much bogus during our conversations, it was like she rehearsed the lines and was convincing herself. This just isn't right and I know it can be mended and we can come back even stronger. I need a way to get her attention again, to get her to want to talk to me, because as of last month, she claimed talking to me didn't seem right, and I surmised that was because of the fighting (albeit, we never yelled or hurt each other, it was actually more so bickering and disagreeing - there was never any cussing or name-calling). At this point, I'm so distraught, should I get another person involved and try to have them talk to her since they're closer to her? I'm mutual friends with one of her friends from school... I just dont know what I'm supposed to do.
So where do I go from here? I have changed, and I know this could work, but how do I get her back into my life again? How do I get her to remember her feelings for me when they're buried under so much miscommunication and hurt? Please, I need your help. This girl is my true love, and I know this is just a rough patch. Any advice would be much appreciated. And please, keep in mind I am a very sensitive individual and I am genuinely trying to change and get my sweetheart back. Negative, hurtful, or malicious responses will only hurt me more. I had a bad experience before, so please, I just ask for respect and advice. If you are going to tell me it isn't worth it, there are other fish in the sea, just give up, etc., then don't even bother replying.
On a side note, I am no longer interested in using any "systems" to get my ex back. Right now, I have been 20 days NC with her, and truthfully, I don't even fully know who initiated it, or if it was even initiated at all. I kind of feel like she might be over there wondering why I haven't contacted her... I'm so confused. She hasn't contacted me, and I haven't contacted her, despite her still wanting to be friends. As of right now, I am looking at sending her a short letter, stating that I accept the break up and she made the right choice to end the fighting, that I am sorry for my mistakes, that I am happy, that things are going well in my life and great things have been happening, and that I would like to be friends later (supposedly a hand written letter, a simple, yet thoughtful card that triggers good mutual memories, and a spritz of perfume will evoke a more sentimental response...) I was going to later send her a happy birthday text in December as a sort of follow-up to test the waters. I just want her back in my life, and I don't believe going NC is going to accomplish that. I'm not going to chase her, I know she has to WANT to come back, but I do want to show her that I'm mature enough to accept what happened and that I've changed back into the person she fell in love with.. only stronger and more mature, and more relaxed... kind of like me 2.0... despite how I may come across, I don't want to force her into coming back, I don't want to come across desperate, and I know there is no magic formula. But I really don't want to give up, either.
Any feedback from anybody who's been through a similar Long Distance (or local, whatever) situation and prevailed would be much appreciated (even if you didn't succeed, it'd be helpful to know what went wrong so I can avoid that..) - and please, as stated before, no negative, spirit-crushing comments. I'm extremely sensitive and it will put me over the edge. I'm really trying my hardest to be positive here! lol (: Thanks!