Sir Suomi
November 11th, 2012, 10:26 PM
I'm just laying down right now. It's quiet. I can hear the low rumble of a nearby train go by. It's dark, with my only light my computer, sitting on the desk next to me. As a lay down, I think, "What have I done to deserve to even live?" I think really of nothing. I act weird but somehow stay in the popular group. Almost every girl I've dated, I've screwed it up horribly. I'm not a good christian. I try, but in the end, I fall short. And athletics? Sure, I'm athletic. But will I ever get a scholarhip to play football somewhere? No. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. Family? Completely messed up. My father didn't want me. My mother goes into fits of depression. I have to live with grandparents. I try to fake it all. I try to be the funny guy, the one that everyone can make a joke at and all I'll do is smile and laugh. I'll try to sound cool. But I'm not. Deep down, the black abyss surrounds me. It's dragging me deeper and deeper inside. I try and claw my way out. But I just don't know how long I can keep up the fight. I'm fake. But there has to be something good I've done in my life? I've touched someone's life in a positive way, right? My life must have a higher purpose, right? As I sit here, typing whatever comes to my mind, I wonder what would happen if I just simply disappeared. Would I be missed? Would anyone care? Would anyone even notice? As I go to bed, I don't know how long I'll be laying here, thinking about all this. All I know is, sleep will be a blessing.