In love, stuck and very sad

[Thigg]

Hey and sorry for long post and my English! Read my story if you want.

I'm 16 year old boy, never dated..so everyone knows.

So, in nutshell I falled in love with my best friend. It started half a year ago. Of course, she doesn't even like or doesn't even want to try anything..I told her on summer and it was no and again when schools started and we argued after it and I was just about to leave her. But it went back to "normal" in one day..We have have some "argues" after that relating to that again and again, and everytime we have "solved" it..She just doesn't let me go, even I almost tried. I mean she "cry" how she can just kill herself if I go and never be back..and stuff like that, what should that mean..

We are still chatting/speaking like 12 hours per day..we live in different citys. And she and me have even future plans..oh yes. Like what we are going to do and etc..We rarely drink, but when we do and after she had drink like 1-2 little ciders. she tell me how she does not need anyone else than me..I know it might be alcohol but just that little.

Now I just don't know what to do...She apparently doesn't want to even try to date with me. But I just love her so much that I have never felt this before. My before "crush" was 3 years..but it was nothing to compared this. Like I didn't care if she would be with someone else etc but now I'm gettin jealous more..And my feelings just get stronger, though I know I get rejected. But we are still the closest person to each other...

So what is the problem...If she finds someone else, I have thought I would "leave" her like immediately. Now I'm just thinking "maybe someday, because this is true love I should wait and she says she are forever alone"..

But this is very painful also. She doesn't know how I feel deep in myself. I haven't told. It like feels now that "why should I even talk to her anymore". And I have been quieter lately.

And now to my "painful" problem. I think I'm close to depression or something like that. Every test says I'm "seriously depressed. Go to talk doctor" etc..but those are just tests. But maybe it is something. After this all, I have cried very much. Like everyday. Everytime I think about "leaving" her or that she would be someone else, I just start crying. It just embarassing like in school bus..(no one notices because I hide it..) Or if I think anything relating to this. I get also some "waves" or something when I cry and some weird stuff, idk. I'm also more sleepy all the time like now and my head is painful more often. I think I have lost some weight because my belt is getting too big...And I'm just not happy anymore.

I just don't know what to do..I just can't leave her. We have so much to do, but on the other hand..She wouldn't anyway let me go now.

At least now I know...Love hurts. I never could think I would be in situation like this. I think I can't love anyone "new"...And I'm anyway very shy and kind of bad confidence.

You can write something if you want or try to help or ask something...

[Sir Suomi]

Dude, I feel for you man. I wish I knew what to say. All I know is, follow your heart. Eventually, she will open her eyes, and realize how she needs you, and that the only way to keep you with her, is that you and her get together. I hope it works out for you man. Keep it together man.

[Thigg]

Thank you for answer!

I'll follow my heart and I'm not leaving her just now or soon. She is kind of forever alone and "unpopular" on her school, so I don't think she is going to find anyone right now. Shouldn't say that but still I love her.

I'll tell about the last situation that happened last weekend.

So...she was little bit drunk and said couple of thing over internet that I wouldn't want to know..Nothing big, but I just got angry and we argued a little on night but not even much. Then next morning she send me text message and I just was like "gah, not wanting to answer that right now" because I still was angry and sad also. Then like 5 minutes after I didn't answered, she send new one..nothing yet, she just told something more she found on somewhere, nothing important..I didn't answer.
(Sorry for bad translating for these next messages)
Then like after 10 minutes of it comes the first "why don't you answer" message and then "Helloo hellooo?? Why are you angst its not funny :((((" .. and third message right after (there is like 3-10 min between every message) "really, why are you always like that blahblah" and then same like that with "sad emocations" and then comes message..."Lets go to fuck then, if its only way that you talk to me" all caps...yeah..Never asked that. Then comes three just spam spam messages with just something random that she spams until I answer..
Then comes big message: ":((( Please, don't ruin my life by leaving, I am nothing without you:o You know I really hate to say that but it is truth, please don't be like that" And yea, she really hates to be dependent of someone and never says it... and then comes second "begging" txt..with many pleases and "You are only person in my life, I don't want that you go away or that you are like that" (angry/sad/angst). And two spam messages how I can't go away..Then she told how she cares about me more than he even cares about her parents or anyone..and "I would cry, if I would be weak"

Many many messages..I didn't answer because I was very sad. I just watched when she sent those messages..Then we spoke in net and then she did like everything that ever could do to "restore" our relationship. It was okay for sometime but on night I started bitching her that was not nice I know..Then she was sad and told how I do hurt her too and how she would already has been killed herself without me...And how I know about her "deepest herseld" the most and I could hurt her much with that information. We resolved that partly then, but morning I just somewhy didn't answered and she spammed again couple of messages until we started to resolve that again.

She told then that her feelings are already very very confused. And she had always said that we would never be together but she changed it that we can never know what happens.

Now, I really believe that I seem to be very important to her:o Or I think.

I know this is kind of private stuff, but I have left things out and so on..Not going to tell every details. Just most important messages.

Today morning I sent her message that I confirmed this "argue" is now really solved. I earlier said "probably" so that seemed right to confirm.

Now I just hope that I could be first one that she would really care about that way too and her eyes would open. She also said that it seems that we only have each other. (we don't have many friends or that activity)

[Sir Suomi]

Thank you for answer!

I'll follow my heart and I'm not leaving her just now or soon. She is kind of forever alone and "unpopular" on her school, so I don't think she is going to find anyone right now. Shouldn't say that but still I love her.

I'll tell about the last situation that happened last weekend.

So...she was little bit drunk and said couple of thing over internet that I wouldn't want to know..Nothing big, but I just got angry and we argued a little on night but not even much. Then next morning she send me text message and I just was like "gah, not wanting to answer that right now" because I still was angry and sad also. Then like 5 minutes after I didn't answered, she send new one..nothing yet, she just told something more she found on somewhere, nothing important..I didn't answer.
(Sorry for bad translating for these next messages)
Then like after 10 minutes of it comes the first "why don't you answer" message and then "Helloo hellooo?? Why are you angst its not funny :((((" .. and third message right after (there is like 3-10 min between every message) "really, why are you always like that blahblah" and then same like that with "sad emocations" and then comes message..."Lets go to fuck then, if its only way that you talk to me" all caps...yeah..Never asked that. Then comes three just spam spam messages with just something random that she spams until I answer..
Then comes big message: ":((( Please, don't ruin my life by leaving, I am nothing without you:o You know I really hate to say that but it is truth, please don't be like that" And yea, she really hates to be dependent of someone and never says it... and then comes second "begging" txt..with many pleases and "You are only person in my life, I don't want that you go away or that you are like that" (angry/sad/angst). And two spam messages how I can't go away..Then she told how she cares about me more than he even cares about her parents or anyone..and "I would cry, if I would be weak"

Many many messages..I didn't answer because I was very sad. I just watched when she sent those messages..Then we spoke in net and then she did like everything that ever could do to "restore" our relationship. It was okay for sometime but on night I started bitching her that was not nice I know..Then she was sad and told how I do hurt her too and how she would already has been killed herself without me...And how I know about her "deepest herseld" the most and I could hurt her much with that information. We resolved that partly then, but morning I just somewhy didn't answered and she spammed again couple of messages until we started to resolve that again.

She told then that her feelings are already very very confused. And she had always said that we would never be together but she changed it that we can never know what happens.

Now, I really believe that I seem to be very important to her:o Or I think.

I know this is kind of private stuff, but I have left things out and so on..Not going to tell every details. Just most important messages.

Today morning I sent her message that I confirmed this "argue" is now really solved. I earlier said "probably" so that seemed right to confirm.

Now I just hope that I could be first one that she would really care about that way too and her eyes would open. She also said that it seems that we only have each other. (we don't have many friends or that activity)

Dude, you're doing great. Knowing me, I probably would have been a dick and just not answered. But you manned up, and that's awesome. I think she's gonna fall for you man. You saw how much she needs you. Just don't rush anything, and keep it nice and steady. If she isn't ready, just stay with her. You've earned my respect man, and I'm proud of you.

[AkuRokuStalker]

If it was love you would not argue like that. Trust me, no one is worth that much heartache and stress. She says things like she is going to kill herself to guilt you into not breaking up with her. Very few girls will actually go to that extreme, and if she says she is stong then she most likely won't. I hope that helps.

[fourteenyearold]

Feel for you man

[Thigg]

I hope that and I'm not going to rush anything...I'll just wait now.

And for real, I didn't argue that much (just something at night). I was just not talking for a bit because I was mostly very sad and then she sent me those messages. I could have answered to those something not nice. It just isn't nice to love but not getting any. (I have never said anything bad like name called her or anything, I never will !)

I know it's not nice to keep her fear that I might never answer and just go away. But we did resolve it like immediately like always when we argue. Not often. Its just this thing. And now we promised that we have to understand each other. I know what I feel and I think she is worth it if I ever get a chance.

And to me, she says she is really weak..She just want to seem like strong and she really does. I'm only one that knows her vulnerabilities. And I know she is not going to do anything, she might just get depressed or something. I was her only friend last summer she was in touch. And now only one in free time. But I need her too tbh.

But let's see.