Harry Potter Fan fiction

[bbeennyy97]

Hey so this is the opening of a Harry Potter fan fiction I writing from Albus Severus potter's point of view. Tell what you think

I waved good-bye to my parents as the Hogwarts express rolled away, out of the station, away from London and the world I had grown up in. The bright sky rolled slowly south taking with it white fluffy clouds and an assortment of multicolored leaves. A cascade of deep red’s and dazzling gold’s whizzed past the window like thousands of tiny dancers, all separate yet in unison; creating an astonishing display, spreading across the rolling hills which resulted in one breath-taking view from compartment 3 carriage 6.

[Mirage]

Its good, but it's a little too descriptive for just the first paragraph. Maybe spread out the detail a little over more paragraphs?

[ArsenicCatNip]

So far I think it's just fine, I really like your use of detail :)

[Syvelocin]

Keep one topic. Talk about the leaves or elaborate on that first sentence. Leaves are great, and you included some nice imagery (but maybe a little too much in one place. The detail spectrum writers usually fall in ranges from basic as fuck to won't stop rambling, you want to stay in the middle somewhere, so you aren't boring, but after you get your point across, you move to the next detail). But they should get their own paragraph. Return instead to the first sentence. What does it feel like to be abandoning all this character has known for the past eleven years to live in a strange place in another country with no contact with the outside world (except by owl post)? The anxiety, getting on that train alone, the youngest year of all these students who have experienced this before him. What does he fear, what does he desire? Is he excited to learn magic, does he resent going to Hogwarts and would rather stay with his family? Does he worry he won't make friends or be likeable? Your first page sets the tone for the rest of the work, your first paragraph even. We want to quickly adjust to this new character's head and start to really like him.

You're choosing to write in first person. First person is the optimum POV for very personal stories revolving around the one character. Even though TPL which most of the HP books are written in is still a more personal POV than TPO, which JK slips a little bit into specifically in 1 & 6, first person is going to be even more-so. It's full-on "this happened to me and here's what happened." Just going to warn you, we're going to be in AS's head twice as much as we are in Harry's head.

You've also got a weight on your shoulders with AS, there will be a lot of expectations. How is he similar to Harry, how is he different? We aren't familiar with his personality like we are Harry's so we really need to get to know him. Take note he's going to have to probably have more differences with Harry than similarities.

Don't rush into the school scenes because they're fun. Sure, we want to get on the train and leave already, but you have a lot of good characterizing you can do before the train even leaves the platform. Make use of those opportunities. Give us that interaction between him and Harry and Ginny.

And.. I think I'm done. Sorry for writing more in tips than you presented in writing. XD