My essay about my family

[Cognizant]

I'm writing this for english class... if you could give me some feedback, I'd really appreciate it. :)

[ReginaGeorge]

"preform a belongings check"

Perform?

I really enjoyed reading it! I really liked it. It's flows well. The flashbacks are in good places. I just really enjoyed reading it.

Only comment, the ending is kind of abrupt, I didn't expect it to just end like that. It kind of leaves the traveling without a real point, you know? It needs to have some kind of destination, or somewhere he goes triggers a significant memory or something.

My only criticism is that: needs a different ending. :)

[Infidelitas]

I really enjoyed reading that Pat. You wrote with clarity.

I am sorry for whats happened though.. :/

[Noirtier]

The first thing I noticed was the beginning was a little choppy, and you started a lot of sentences with "I" in the whole essay, and I see some other repeated beginnings right after each other as well. Try varying your sentence beginnings a little bit, as well as seeing if you can't make some of the details in the first paragraph a little smoother. I would suggest working on your wording a bit throughout the paper, but overall you did a good job. The ending was especially good, how you tied it back to the first paragraph by almost repeating it! I know this has been hard for you Pat, and you know that I'm always here if you need to talk. I think it's great that you're able to write about what happened though, and to express your feelings about the whole situation! Happy Revising!

[Jupiter]

i like how you changed the colors, and how every other paragraph was going back and forth. it was a nice read, i'm sorry that happened, pat.

[Cognizant]

I really enjoyed reading that Pat. You wrote with clarity.

I am sorry for whats happened though.. :/

"preform a belongings check"

Perform?

I really enjoyed reading it! I really liked it. It's flows well. The flashbacks are in good places. I just really enjoyed reading it.

Only comment, the ending is kind of abrupt, I didn't expect it to just end like that. It kind of leaves the traveling without a real point, you know? It needs to have some kind of destination, or somewhere he goes triggers a significant memory or something.

My only criticism is that: needs a different ending. :)

The first thing I noticed was the beginning was a little choppy, and you started a lot of sentences with "I" in the whole essay, and I see some other repeated beginnings right after each other as well. Try varying your sentence beginnings a little bit, as well as seeing if you can't make some of the details in the first paragraph a little smoother. I would suggest working on your wording a bit throughout the paper, but overall you did a good job. The ending was especially good, how you tied it back to the first paragraph by almost repeating it! I know this has been hard for you Pat, and you know that I'm always here if you need to talk. I think it's great that you're able to write about what happened though, and to express your feelings about the whole situation! Happy Revising!

i like how you changed the colors, and how every other paragraph was going back and forth. it was a nice read, i'm sorry that happened, pat.

Thanks for the feedback, and a special thank you for your continued support about my parent's divorce. I don't know what would've happened to me over the summer if it wasn't for your guys' support :)

On another note, if you would like to know, I'm about 99% done with my essay. I've attached it to the reply.

[Mirage]

Loved it Pat. Sorry for what happened but it was very engaging to read!

[Cognizant]

Loved it Pat. Sorry for what happened but it was very engaging to read!
Thanks Max!