Tore my legs up. I can't believe it.

[Aceso]

Been cut free for a while now...at least, I haven't felt like I have tonight.
I don't understand why I always feel so crap after a good day, but I always end up feeling completely worthless.
5 cuts, 3 on my left, 2 on my right. The 3 on my left are about 3 inches, need steristripping as they broke through most superficial layers. One on my right is the same, but the other is only a couple of centimeters, and very deep - needs stitches at least. Can see subcutaneous fat, and been bleeding pretty heavily. I didn't feel it at all and fuck, I even used an old rusty blade.
Everything's just getting on top of me, my mum in some fucking institute because she's suicidal and psychotic again. I don't know why but it's so hard to look people in the eye and lie when they ask how she's doing. I have to say she's fine. Or just feeling a bit ill this week, but that's only because it's that time of year I guess. My family is falling apart again, and I don't know what to do.
Then I've got these mocks on monday, fuck I'm barely halfway through my revision and I've got 4 days. I NEED these grades and they told me if I don't get them, they'll drop me from top set to bottom set. I haven't even been to school this year, I started again two weeks ago, and now I only have 4 days left to revise. I need this, not only because if I don't I'll feel like a fucking failure and disappointment again, but all the effort I've been putting into my work will just go. Yes, they'd drop me because it's too much, and I guess it is, but if I had more time I'd be fine. I'll be fine now I'm in classes and with my exams in january I'll be okay by then. I just keep getting so many bad panic and anxiety attacks about it, I don't know how to get it out and it's physically making me sick/giving me chest pains.
There's a lot of other stuff right now too, but I just can't talk about it. I don't know how, and it's all locked in my head. I guess if I was stronger I could deal with it, I'm so ashamed that I'm back to this.

[Boss...]

I remember when I use to hurt myself when I just felt like I was useless or had no point in life. It was not easy for me to stop doing it and sometimes I felt like I need too. But, the only way that I could get past selfharm was to replace it with something else. For me it was playing guitar or going outside and just let my mind wonder and forget everone who has hurt me and just think of what I want in life. Although I still feel like its the only way to "excape" sometimes, I have been able to fight the urge for over a year now.

All you need to do is stay strong and always think that you truely matter, because you really do.

[Drew5]

Just go do something else. How has cutting ever helped you?

[Aceso]

I remember when I use to hurt myself when I just felt like I was useless or had no point in life. It was not easy for me to stop doing it and sometimes I felt like I need too. But, the only way that I could get past selfharm was to replace it with something else. For me it was playing guitar or going outside and just let my mind wonder and forget everone who has hurt me and just think of what I want in life. Although I still feel like its the only way to "excape" sometimes, I have been able to fight the urge for over a year now.

All you need to do is stay strong and always think that you truely matter, because you really do.

I go to the gym, I revise for exams, I play instruments, I horse ride, I paint, I have no lack of distractions...I'd have been at least 6 months clean if it weren't for last night :/
I just hit a low point, haven't been able to sleep much or yet eat, woke up feeling just as depressed as last night. Gonna see my counsellor today and get these cuts stitched as they're looking pretty bad and don't want any infections. I do agree with you, most times it's okay, just tonight about 4 things happened at once and It's caving in a bit.

Just go do something else. How has cutting ever helped you?

It relaxes me, and gives me a focus. I'd tried all sorts, but it's like hunger - you can put it off and ignore the fact that there's food in the kitchen, but eventually you'll have to go eat. :(

[Drew5]

I go to the gym, I revise for exams, I play instruments, I horse ride, I paint, I have no lack of distractions...I'd have been at least 6 months clean if it weren't for last night :/
I just hit a low point, haven't been able to sleep much or yet eat, woke up feeling just as depressed as last night. Gonna see my counsellor today and get these cuts stitched as they're looking pretty bad and don't want any infections. I do agree with you, most times it's okay, just tonight about 4 things happened at once and It's caving in a bit.



It relaxes me, and gives me a focus. I'd tried all sorts, but it's like hunger - you can put it off and ignore the fact that there's food in the kitchen, but eventually you'll have to go eat. :(

Tbh I never heard of this until vt. So it's a compulsion like hunger and thirst - like ya said, you can only put it off for so long.

It's interesting that it relaxes you though, but if I think of it as an addiction, it makes sense. Not giving in to an addiction is a big stress, so giving in satisfies a need and stress goes away.

I hope there is some kind of treatment and I'd guess that they would look to solve issues that cause this like problems at home or school. I'm sure I don't know.

It's got me wondering if kids at my high school do this, but I don't see any scars, but maybe they hide them. It would be hard to because we wear summer clothes 8 months a year and guys on sports teams cant hide it when we're in the showers or dry off area and our practices for spring sports all end at the same time, so that's a lot of guys.

Can't believe I never heard of it tho

[Aceso]

Tbh I never heard of this until vt. So it's a compulsion like hunger and thirst - like ya said, you can only put it off for so long.

It's interesting that it relaxes you though, but if I think of it as an addiction, it makes sense. Not giving in to an addiction is a big stress, so giving in satisfies a need and stress goes away.

I hope there is some kind of treatment and I'd guess that they would look to solve issues that cause this like problems at home or school. I'm sure I don't know.

It's got me wondering if kids at my high school do this, but I don't see any scars, but maybe they hide them. It would be hard to because we wear summer clothes 8 months a year and guys on sports teams cant hide it when we're in the showers or dry off area and our practices for spring sports all end at the same time, so that's a lot of guys.

Can't believe I never heard of it tho

It isn't uncommon, one in eight people do it at some point apparently.
It's an addiction because it's a coping method, a way to expel anything bad without breaking down in a different way.
Also, gives you an adrenaline/endorphine kick, so it balances out all the shit that happens and just desensitises me completely, which is a lot easier.
There is no 'treatment' for self harm - you can't just have a pill and get better. Both my parents and my counseling team know and have done for years, it isn't considered a huge issue not because they understand it's just a coping method, and I've always been honest with them when I've used it as anything more than that (suicidal etc.)

Some probably do - it's just as easy as alcohol or drugs really. It's also fairly easy to pull it off as scratches from games, animals, where you've work hairbands too tightly, do it in inconspicuous places, I've always managed to hide it or pull off a convincible story, to be honest I don't really try and hide it anymore though, if someone doesn't like me for it then I don't have time for them anyway.

[Boss...]

I go to the gym, I revise for exams, I play instruments, I horse ride, I paint, I have no lack of distractions...I'd have been at least 6 months clean if it weren't for last night :/
I just hit a low point, haven't been able to sleep much or yet eat, woke up feeling just as depressed as last night. Gonna see my counsellor today and get these cuts stitched as they're looking pretty bad and don't want any infections. I do agree with you, most times it's okay, just tonight about 4 things happened at once and It's caving in a bit.

Well maybe you don't need a "distraction", but something that is less distructive to yourself. Like if you have a bad day like you had try throw things, like old phones or screw drivers just seeing them break or stick in the ground would calm me down. Its not the best thing to replace it, but it does save your body from possible infections, scares, and diseases.

I'm not saying that you should just go breaking everything in sight, but just letting the anger and fustartion lose can really help.

[Jackerlus]

It isn't uncommon, one in eight people do it at some point apparently.
It's an addiction because it's a coping method, a way to expel anything bad without breaking down in a different way.
Also, gives you an adrenaline/endorphine kick, so it balances out all the shit that happens and just desensitises me completely, which is a lot easier.
There is no 'treatment' for self harm - you can't just have a pill and get better. Both my parents and my counseling team know and have done for years, it isn't considered a huge issue not because they understand it's just a coping method, and I've always been honest with them when I've used it as anything more than that (suicidal etc.)

Some probably do - it's just as easy as alcohol or drugs really. It's also fairly easy to pull it off as scratches from games, animals, where you've work hairbands too tightly, do it in inconspicuous places, I've always managed to hide it or pull off a convincible story, to be honest I don't really try and hide it anymore though, if someone doesn't like me for it then I don't have time for them anyway.

Well at least you're not doing alcohol and drugs instead of cutting to cope (I hope). I was talking to a girl I know who had depression and cut and all that and she said that she enjoyed having someone to vent it all out on and have someone who understood her problems, so maybe you should talk to a friend when you feel tempted, and relax a bit. :)