Am I too passive, or what?

[james wolf]

So recently me and 3 friends went to see the new James Bond. We went to sit down, I was the one on the end, sitting next to an empty chair and another chair. It makes you feel so excluded, you can't hear what the others are saying because they're whispering and it just plain annoys me. And it means I can't get involved and eurghh.

Then when we were walking down the street, I was the one walking behind them. That's not so bad, as now we were out of the cinema they were talking normally and I could hear them, but it's still frustrating and stuff.

Then we were in a restaurant and 2 people had joined us and again, I was sitting on the end, again, next to an empty seat :( And again, I was quite excluded from the conversation as it was mainly the guy in the corner, 2 places up from me, talking to the guy opposite and the guy next to both me and him. I was left talking to the boring two, but oh well.

It reminded me of what someone said on one of those anonymous question sites, he was asked "who is the funniest person you know?" and he replied "James, when he talks, is hilarious." And it's true (ok, trying not to be cocky) people say I'm funny, but I'm usually really quiet, I think I'm insecure, I'm scared what I say won't be laughed at or appreciated, and I'm scared of loosing the friends that I do have.

You know those quiz shows, where all the comedians are trying to get their say, I'm the one who's always about to speak but let's someone else jump ahead of me.

Despite this passive behaviour, I'm always the one making the plans, although usually being ignored or turned down (friend said he was out of the country for the cinema yesterday but i saw him logged in and playing on his playstation when I got home, I mean I hate that, twice it's happened, when someone says they are busy that night, but I see them on facebook saying "bored ask me a question on ask.fm", it's just rude and makes me insecure even more.), anyway, but no-one ever makes plans with me, I think twice in the past 3 and a half years people have made plans with me.

It's annoying, I hang out with the "cool" kids at school (the ones who go to all the parties and knows everyone our age who lives in the city and what not) and they appreciate my presence, I'm allowed there so to speak, when I join their table at lunch or whatever, they don't question it, they don't say I'm scraping in, and a lot of the time I talk a lot with them.

But outside of school, it's not like I am demoted to the "slightly below cool" kids, I am literally friendless. I have 3 friends and all we do is watch a movie I wanna see with them. But then other than that it is just bare.

I think part of the reason for this is that I never really invite people round to my house as(once in 3 and a half years), not only is it half an hour's drive away from where everyone else lives, I also have a massive collection of lego in my bedroom (not the "old toys" kid, the "I still collect it" kind) meaning I haven't had a sleepover since I was 11 (I'm 15), and in my experience sleepovers are where you really bond with your friends because it is hours of uninterrupted chat.

If it was too long for you to read here's a summary:

I'm always the one standing behind my friends while they walk on the pavement/I'm always sitting on the end.

I think this is because I'm too passive, I don't force myself upon them enough (in a social sense, not a very good saying but hey ho)

I don't speak much either, though what I say is good, I think this is because I'm insecure, and I don't want my friends to look badly upon me.

Although I'm passive, I always make the plans, no-one ever asks me if I'm free tomorrow. Also I don't invite people to my house because I'm embarrassed of my hobbie - lego.



So yeah, am I too passive? Insecure? Comment whatever you like, it's just nice to see what other people think of my position.

[xStar64]

Hmm. I don't think the problem is you are too passive. It seems more like you are just shy. Yes you organize many things but it seems you do it just to do it. Don't take this the wrong way but you should get involved more.
Strike up a conversation, be different. This doesn't seem like your style though.
Do you have a GF/BF? If so what do they think.

Try to get one of the people you aren't close with. Just have them over for tea or something. (sorry I didn't read where you were from) Anywho just talk and explain yourself. I think they will get it.

Good Luck bro. :pop:

[james wolf]

Usually I get involved, I dunno, maybe it was a bad day :S Anyway - I would invite people to tea but I'm 15 now, what do you do? I've always had that problem, am I a boring person, I don't think so, it's just the awkward start - "so, watcha wanna do?"

I'm in the UK btw, and I don't have a girlfriend, way too much effort :P

[Pierce]

The only advice I can give you is be more assertive and make your way into other people's conversations.

[darkie]

Wow. For some reason, while I was reading that, 75% of it seemed as if I was reading something describing myself. I'm 15. I also don't make plans to go out. I also have a Lego collection in my room. O.O But I digress.

Anyway, I think that it isn't that you're passive. Sadly, I believe that not all people are ""amazing party goers/attending plans"" and some people are a lil bit less low profile. Sure, it might be a bit boring and awkward, but what I can say is that you can't be a wallflower, but don't try so hard to stick out that you eventually lose yourself. Make yourself known. I know that not everyone is blessed with a gift of being a good conversationalist, but at the end of the day, you just gotta try it.

You need to step out of your shell a bit, talk to some people, and enjoy what you have. Also, find some really true and awesome friends you can share amazing things with and do stuff with. :)

[runnerz]

Hah I read all of it! no sumarry needed :P everytime i give advice, i wish I could follow my own advice. But I'd say to realize that feeling insecure to some degree is part of human nature. Maybe try to reduce these feelings, and pick on of your school friends and ask to hang out. If theyre like the ones that kind of snub you with excuses, then move in to someone else. easier said than done, I know. But just start somewhere and go from there :)

[dusman77]

Seems like you're just shy like me.

[huntersteele11]

my dad would say you worry to much so just chill and be your self. i mean why try and be like sumone else just to be popular. when i was a little kid i woried about stuff like that but i dont no more and i like it a lot better. if your not your self i think your friends might feel that so mabe just be you and dont worry so much about stuff. i think that probably didnt help but its what i felt from what you wrote on here.

[Castle of Glass]

trust me, i am pretty much the same, it takes time, but i am usually the one at the end/behind, as i am the largest and not from the same place as my friends.

[HunterSteele]

It's annoying, I hang out with the "cool" kids at school (the ones who go to all the parties and knows everyone our age who lives in the city and what not) and they appreciate my presence, I'm allowed there so to speak, when I join their table at lunch or whatever, they don't question it, they don't say I'm scraping in, and a lot of the time I talk a lot with them.
Then what is the big deal? I don't have anyone to hang out with at school. I walk through the hallways everyday and see groups of people together and I wish I could be with just one of them. Last year I stood around with the cool kids at my school a few times, but I could never think of anything to contribute to the conversation. I didn't understand most of the stuff they talked about since most of it was about their friends and what they did when they were hanging out. Some parts of it actually made me feel pretty bad because I was never invited to join them outside of school, but I never complained about that! I appreciated the experience of at least getting to listen. We took some pictures together which I never get tired of showing at every opportunity.

http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=4823&d=1351408033http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=4879&d=1352435852http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=4880&stc=1&d=1352436149

All in all, your post comes down to having people to hang out with, but not feeling close enough to really talk to them. That's how I felt back when I was with those guys. As time went by they became less accepting of me and I stopped sitting with them at lunch (not that I sat with them every day before, it was only once every few days.) Now I'm just back to exactly where I was before. But you got a lot further with the kids at your school than I ever got with them, and you should feel incredibly fortunate. The line down in my signature does apply to your topic.

you can't hear what the others are saying because they're whispering and it just plain annoys me
It's annoying, I hang out with the "cool" kids at school
You need to be content with the friends and relationships you have instead of being annoyed with little things. I know these things can be annoying, but think about it-- there are people here (myself included) who would do almost anything to go to a movie with someone or go to a restaurant with them. All day at school I have no one to talk to or hang out with. I walk through the hallways and see groups of people together and I wish I could be with just one of them.

I've never been to a movie with anyone before and you could say I have no idea what I'm talking about. But you can try going with smaller groups, so you would have more of a chance to interact with the person or persons you go with. Even so, a movie has never seemed to be the best place to have a conversation anyway.

I am literally friendless. I have 3 friends
That's not friendless. Sure, I took that line out of context, but what you have described in this post is not friendless.

I'm always the one making the plans, although usually being ignored or turned down, anyway, but no-one ever makes plans with me, I think twice in the past 3 and a half years people have made plans with me.
If you make plans with someone and they turn you down, make plans with someone else. I remember being turned down for the first time ever in kindergarten. It was by a kid named Paul. (I tried adding him on Facebook not too long ago and he declined.)

(friend said he was out of the country for the cinema yesterday but i saw him logged in and playing on his playstation when I got home
You realize the Playstation is a pretty portable device, right? He could have taken his Playstation with him. Unless he went to China, where video game consoles are banned. It doesn't make sense someone would use leaving the country as an excuse when it would be more believable to just say they had hockey practice. Believe me, I've heard that one a lot. (Paul used it.)