how am i suppose to get over him

[mynameisjane]

i met this guy. i thought he was a looser who only talks about sex and video games. and he had ugly long hair. one day he gets a haircut and looks way better, but he still talks about sex too much for me to be attracted to him. then he gets a girlfriend and starts hanging around after school to wait for her. i start talking to him more because i hang around after school too. i see that theres more to him and i see how he sweet he is to his girlfriend and i get jealous. he stops hanging around after school because she starts going home earlier so i talk to him less.

they eventually break up and he hangs around my group again at lunch. we start talking to eachother more. i think he likes me but i dont flirt with him because even though he's a nice guy, he talks about sex too much. a mutual friend tells me that he's always talking about me. this makes me think that he might genuinely likes me. we go out one night and we never ran out of things to talk about. we talked about everything. we even started getting into talking about relationship stuff. but later on it was more gazing into eachother's eyes wondering when he'll kiss me, but he didnt.

the next week, he barely talks to me and is talking to my friend about another girl. its disappointing but i think, "well, he's a loser anyways. what was i thinking?" a few weeks later we have summer vacation. i think about it more and it really starts to bother me. why would he do that? but by the end of the summer i feel i'm over it and i decide i'll be nice and forget it happened, but i wont talk to him too much anymore.

school started and i see him again and i shyly say hello, and he completely ignores me. i've had a class with him for 2 months now and he pretends he doesnt know me. its really upsetting. i havent done anything, how can he just do this to me? my friends say its because he thinks i'm too straight egde. well this guy drinks a little, big deal so do i, he's had sex with some very slutty girls, and he loves porn. but that night i was with him he said he'd wait if a girl wasnt ready, he told me he didn't like how he talks about sex so much but he doesnt know how to change, he talked about how he's lonely because girls judge him too quickly, and he made himself sound really vulnerable. and i talked about my relationship disappointments. i showed him my vulnerable side too. i havent had a boyfriend before and i think its the start of something really good. then he just suddenly decides he doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

so either i'm not a lovable person or he really is only looking for sex. i dont know which is worse. i havent had a boyfriend before so the first would explain that. i start looking at whats wrong with me and feel so ugly. if the second is true then i thought i knew him, how can i ever trust anyone? how could anyone be so cruel, after we got so close? whats going on in his head? there has to be a good explaination. but i guess it all just boils down to the disappointment that he's not who i hoped he was.

everyday i told myself how much i hate him. i have to see him everyday in class. i spent hours imagining what would happen if the horrible things i wish upoin him came true. then today i had to stay after to get my cellphone back from the teacher and she called him to stay. he was standing in the doorway when i was trying to leave and he held the door open for me. it was the first time this year i wasnt invisible to him. he's holding the door with his arm up high so i wouldnt have to duck and i had to get very close to him to get through and what i was feeling just felt so intense i wanted to scream. walking home i realized that i dont hate him. i still like him very much and i dont know why. if i could make him cry half the tears i've cried over him, i wouldnt. i want so badly to know what he's thinking, maybe he has a good explaination, maybe he's very sorry, i just want to know why. but i cant talk to him because he's the one who's ignoring me. and i'm afraid of what he'll say. i know its silly but part of me really hopes that one day he'll just come up to me and say something to make it all better. it hurts to see him everyday but i have to because i'm stuck in this class with him everyday until january when i have the option of changing periods. i dont know what to do

[Sapphire]

I can relate a lot here. But, I am sad to say, that the only advice I can really give you is to try to stick it out. Don't do anything rash either. Chasing after him or trying to get him to talk or explain anything would, more than likely, drive him away.
What would changing periods in January entail? Would it mess up some of your other timetabled classes?

[mynameisjane]

alright, i'll just have to try to forget him.

it might change my schedual around, but i really hate having to see him all the time.

thank you

[byee]

You express yourself really well, Jane. I know what you're saying here.

I think there are alot of reasons why relationships don't click, and in the absence of any real info from the other person, it's easy to conclude it must ahve been something about you. But that really might not be true, you don't have enough info to conclude that, I think it speaks more to your own insecurity. Yuck.

I think it might be best to not dwell on the 'Why' it didn't work, but rather that you were able to develop feelings for someone that you initially didn't think you could. That's an important experience, the idea that everyone might have something more to offer than what you predict at first glance. This opens the pool of available guys immensely, which means that your chances of finding someone is much greater.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with him (his loss!), but you learned something really important here that was worth it.

[mynameisjane]

thanks but, well, no, not really haha. i dont think i learned not to judge people before getting to know them. if anything, i've learned to be more careful about who i get to know. and i learned not to ignore the bad.

from the start i wasn't attracted to him, but seeing how he was to his girlfriend i just felt like i wanted what they had. thats probably what really made me want to be with him, reguardless of what our friends know he's like, and how i've known him to be, i convinced myself to ignore what i dont like about him so i could want to date him. it was a stupid thing to do because what i ignored was almost his entire personality. i ignored that he's the most sex crazed person i've met. he even once referred to a girl he didnt know as a piece of ass. but all i wanted to hear from him was what made him good. it was so obvious that he was only trying to get me to sleep with him.

but then him opening the door for me messed with my head. how can he still be comfortable with me getting so close? shouldnt he feel wierd? because i did. why did he hold open the door instead of just getting out of the way?

i wanted so badly to be in love with someone who loves me back. i convinced myself to like him because it seemed so easy to get him to fall in love with me. judging by the last girl, it seemed all it took to get him to fall in love was sex. and if sex was what it takes then that was fine because all i wanted was love.

my feelings towards him now are different from before. i still feel like i see in him what few are likely to see. but i only really want that good side of him. the side that holds the door open for me. the side that i dont worry is just trying to sleep with me. the side that genuinely wants a good relationship. but maybe it was just an illusion. i do believe that anyone is willing to change what they dont like about themself for someone they love. its so hard for me to get over because it took months for our feelings to grow and just when they're way up there, he ends it. i dont believe the saying, "its not you, its me" so it has to be me. its a very cruel thing to just decide you hate someone and talking to them when they really like you back without even letting them know why. so i must have done something very wrong on one date to make him do that. it just doesnt add up to me at all so i cant just accept it and move on.

[byee]

Well, Jane, I still think you've learned some important things here.

First, 'Sex crazed guys' would have put the moves on you almost immediately, their only goal being a little nookie. This guy talks it alot (maybe he just can't control all that hormonal stuff), but when it came down to it, he actually was nice to you and tried to get to know you. And he held the door open. (that's a metaphor). So, what people do is way more important than what they say.

Also, you make it sound as if there was some competitive thing going on in wanting him, as in wanting him not so much because of a real attraction, but rather because 'they' had something you wanted. And you felt left out. That's not such a good rason to want a particular person, but actually a pretty good reason to want someone. And it sounds like you learned the diff between the 2.

It's not about him, it's about having a relationship. Lonliness is a powerful motivator, but experience and the insight that (hopefully) comes from it can help you get what you really want. Not the mirage.

You'll make a better choice next time, and with it, a better outcome. Your only 'fault' was not recognizing this before you got involved with him.

[mynameisjane]

very good point. so i did learn something from this. but i dont know if i can get over this until i figure out why. if he actually was trying to get to know me and he really was not a bad guy, then why did he just decide to quit talking to me? how do i keep this from happening again?

[byee]

Well, loss hurts if you figure out why or not, maybe you just need to feel bad for awhile without judging yourself. Often, people feel better if they can somehow figure out that it wasn't their 'fault'. (the opposite being that if they think it was their doing, they torment themselves mercilessly). Unless he actually tells you that you did something absolutely intolerable to him, it might be best to just feel bad for awhile without rushing to judgement. Fact is, often things happen and we cannot really know for sure why. This might be one of those cases.

I'm not sure there's a way to prevent rejection, or things just not working out. Right now, i think you're just feeling bad about what happened and you're trying to fit the pieces together. And part of that is a reluctance to go thru this again. Now might not be the time to consider seeing someone.

When you're ready, you'll be able to take the risk of getting to know someone and allowing yourself to become emotionally vulnerable. I think you've learned that there are some things about a guy that are worth overlooking, and some that are not. That experience will sharpen your judgement so you're more likely to get close with someone where the chances of 'this' happening again are lower.

But right now, don't torture yourself too much figuring out i fit was you. It probably wasn't, it just wasn't meant to be.

[mynameisjane]

alright, makes sense. thank you.