I'm so sick of trying to change.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

After 4 years of depression, and addiction with drugs and booze and cutting, and such,

i still have
NO
fucking
clue
what the hell is going on inside my mind.

I'm So confused about myself,
and what i want.
and if i ACUALLY want to change.
or even if i can.
or who am i trying to fool?
everybody eles or myself?

(i know deep down in my heart i'll always just be waiting untill i relapse again, i'll never acually change)

I don't know what to say.
because i know everything i say is just another bullshit excuse.
sometimes i just want to turn to my dad and say
'lets move, lets move far away from this city'
I need to get away from the drugs
and the people
and the alchohal
and the judgment.

but i'll never do that willingly.
trust me on that one.
because i really dont want to
even though i know i'm addicted to it all.
espesiallly the way people look at me here.
And the way that i can minipulate them all
[its not my fault i'm so good at it]

I dont know even what to say...
I have nothing stable in my life.

Every other week
i change my mind
about which ex-boyfriend i miss.

(ok thats a lie, i know which one i miss, i just dont want to admit it)

I wouldnt call myself suicidal, but i do have a bottle of extra strength painkillers stashed away for the next time i have a panic attack
(yea that makes sense)

It says the max in one day is 3 pills
(i wonder what 60 would do)

I'm looking at all the scars on my body.
i still wouldn't call myself suicidal
(how does that work?)

[Cap'nCrunch]

BTW, taking 60 painkillers would be a horrid way to die. Don't do it.

[Hyper]

PM me please :yes:

[coastingalong]

The circumstances in which you are in would not make you stable as you can see and therefore any form of explanations either on writing or with verbal communication cannot make an impact on you. After all it is you who has to come out of the mess you are in. I can only say life is too precious to waste it by the means you have depicted. Why do you want to change at all? Try to lead a normal life and see if it helps without applying pressure on your mind that you need to change, I am sure you will get the support of your family and friends so why not give it a try mate?

[Awkward_Silence]

Whoa sounds like a major identity crisis. Whenever I feel like that I find a place to go to just relieve all of my emotions. I like sports so I go up to the tennis court and hit the ball as hard as I can. It really helps.

[thesphinx]

I don't really know exactly what your going through so I don't really know what to say. Have you tried counseling? because a lot of the time we don't understand why we are feeling the way we do until we get to the root of the problem and until you do I don't think you will be able to move on. So I would recommend that. also You need to get a handle on your addictions. something like counseling can help with that. anyway hope you get it figured out