Jasey
October 26th, 2012, 05:15 PM
I think I'm just stupid considering the fact that nothing about me is normal, I guess I should start with the basics. I have been pretty depressed since I was around 8, I use to wish I could just die because I felt that my family was burdened by me, I also started keeping away from others to avoid getting hurt because I was bullied for a lisp I had as a kid (which I grew out of, that's a positive Atleast) sigh.....
In grade 7 i desperately tried to fill the emptiness I felt, I had a girl friend even though I was well aware I was gay which only made me feel worse. After that I started dating my best male friend, this lasted until grade 11, around 4.5 years.... Sigh....
In grade 9 we both got into really really hard drugs and i still felt empty, this was when I first tried to end my suffering, this just ended up in a hospital visit and a month of no school, to avoid the attention I played it off as an accident. After that incident I cleaned up and such which eased my life a lot more, the problem here is that my boyfriend was toxic and wouldn't clean up. Sigh....
Grade 11 I had a birthday party, which I broke my clean streak and had a few drinks, the problem is that the toxic boy friend tried to get me practically unconscious, he tried to rape me that night cause I wasn't comfortable going that far.... But my best friend Maty saved me there and took me to his house, where I puked for the next 16 hours. After that we broke up and i wanted nothing to do with him. He still harassed me even until this day, that's when life got too hard yet again and I drank and drank. I woke up on my bathroom floor yet again failing, that's when my episode of anorexia hit and I went from 168 pounds to 120 in no time. Unfortunately most of my friends wanted nothing to do with me. Sigh....
Grade 12 is when I decided to grow up, I did good in school, really good I stayed clean and I made friends who understood me, and were there for me. A week or 2 after my birthday in December last year, I went to a party without the intent of being an idiot, however my urges kicked in and i spent the Night blacked out puking and having everyone worry that I might die. I woke up ashamed and left before anyone could notice and went home. I also failed my first class that year and am currently returning for my 5th year....... Sigh.....
Current year! I have my bad days still and I regret a lot of.my past, but I've managed to help a few people turn their lives around or stop them from committing suicide, Im easily going to graduate and i got my first tattoo! I have so many great friends and such but I'm still always having bad days, I still barely eat and I cannot go to parties, necessary but worth it. Hopefully I continue improving and can go to University and Med school like I hope.
I really really just needed to get this all off my chest because no one knows about everything! I also wish i could find a way to be happy, to eat normally, and to find myself so i can find someone to appreciate me and my flaws.... I sighed a lot throughout those years, and I still do. So many regrets I wish i could correct but i refuse to let them drag me down, does anyone have any advice on what i still need to improve on, comments and.such are welcome, this is just my life x3...
In grade 7 i desperately tried to fill the emptiness I felt, I had a girl friend even though I was well aware I was gay which only made me feel worse. After that I started dating my best male friend, this lasted until grade 11, around 4.5 years.... Sigh....
In grade 9 we both got into really really hard drugs and i still felt empty, this was when I first tried to end my suffering, this just ended up in a hospital visit and a month of no school, to avoid the attention I played it off as an accident. After that incident I cleaned up and such which eased my life a lot more, the problem here is that my boyfriend was toxic and wouldn't clean up. Sigh....
Grade 11 I had a birthday party, which I broke my clean streak and had a few drinks, the problem is that the toxic boy friend tried to get me practically unconscious, he tried to rape me that night cause I wasn't comfortable going that far.... But my best friend Maty saved me there and took me to his house, where I puked for the next 16 hours. After that we broke up and i wanted nothing to do with him. He still harassed me even until this day, that's when life got too hard yet again and I drank and drank. I woke up on my bathroom floor yet again failing, that's when my episode of anorexia hit and I went from 168 pounds to 120 in no time. Unfortunately most of my friends wanted nothing to do with me. Sigh....
Grade 12 is when I decided to grow up, I did good in school, really good I stayed clean and I made friends who understood me, and were there for me. A week or 2 after my birthday in December last year, I went to a party without the intent of being an idiot, however my urges kicked in and i spent the Night blacked out puking and having everyone worry that I might die. I woke up ashamed and left before anyone could notice and went home. I also failed my first class that year and am currently returning for my 5th year....... Sigh.....
Current year! I have my bad days still and I regret a lot of.my past, but I've managed to help a few people turn their lives around or stop them from committing suicide, Im easily going to graduate and i got my first tattoo! I have so many great friends and such but I'm still always having bad days, I still barely eat and I cannot go to parties, necessary but worth it. Hopefully I continue improving and can go to University and Med school like I hope.
I really really just needed to get this all off my chest because no one knows about everything! I also wish i could find a way to be happy, to eat normally, and to find myself so i can find someone to appreciate me and my flaws.... I sighed a lot throughout those years, and I still do. So many regrets I wish i could correct but i refuse to let them drag me down, does anyone have any advice on what i still need to improve on, comments and.such are welcome, this is just my life x3...