after a year..... im finally gonna open up

[ackmedsgirl666]

ive always been scared of the one day where a guy will come along and we would sleep together. as a kid i was scared of having sex or even the thought made me hurt inside. i promised myself i would save myself for marriage and the perfect guy.. and this was my goal......until i met my ex.... cody fisher

anyways heres mine and his story(ill keep it short)
i was riding the bus home from school one day with my best friends dylan and tay. me and dylan have been best friends for almost 6 years. we rode our bus down to the downtown terminal. dylans girlfriend at the time had lost her bus pass and was crying and upset..when our of no where this very handsome looking young man rode up to us on his bicycle. me, well i automatically broke out in a blush because i realized i was staring at him.. and admiring him.... and i automatically thought i gotta get to know this guy.. anyways he intriduced himself this exact way

"hey there. my names cody fisher and i am bi-sexual. dont mean to sound rude but just wondering are you a lesbian?

i introduced myself and replied "no i am also bi-sexual"
it was from there things took a turn. me and cody got close and we finally started dating..... and when i started dating him i was happy and all... and i loved him and said i wanted to be with him forever. well he was charming and everything in every way... that is until he got me alone

he took me to his home and introduced me to his mother susan whom i adored at the time(now shes dead in my books)

she was going out and said we could have the house to ourselves and i was like cool alright. well as soon as his mother left things changed...
he suddenly launched himself onto me and i started kissing him for a bit.... till things went further and he started putting his hand down my pants. i was scared... i was thinking surely this cant be happening. we had only been together 3 days. he told me he wanted sex and he wanted to be my first...
i was so scared. i didnt know what to say.
he kept begging and begging for it... i didnt know what to do.. he was already undressed. so i laid there.. until he got fed up and started to strip me until i was naked and cold lying on his couch. i was really scared now.. he told me"open your legs.. it wont hurt at all... i promise ill be gentle"
me still scared did as he said. he had a condom on and he put himself part way inside me.. i was scared soo scared i cried... but he wouldnt stop.. he kept going..... i didnt know what to do.

he made me bleed that night ALOT.
i didnt know what to say or what to tell people
i was scared. i felt violated, i wanted to die. i cut myself because of it.. i wanted my life to end. he hurt me in many more ways than one.
still to this day im scared of sex and whenever a guy wants sex i back off the same way i did with h9im..............

now its been almost a year. ive healed to a point from the pain he put me through.ive stopped cutting.. and im in a relationship and have been for the past 9 months. we have sex regularily but only because i trust him and have known him since the 4rd grade.

hes the one i should have lost my purity to.. but now every now and then i get flashbacks and now they wont go away. they take over my mind.... i cut sometimes when this happens and i want advice on what i should do..


sorry that this is long.. guess im glad to get it off my chest :)

[Gazmo]

im so sorry you had to go through that, it sounds like you went though hell and i cant begin to imagen what that must off been like for you. Im glad your a bit better now, but im always here if you want someone to talk to

[DerBear]

Depression Loss and Grief. This might be better suited in the Abuse section, as while this can come under the topic of Depression it would also much more likely come under the topic of abuse.

If you want me to move it back then send me a Private Message and I'll be happy too.

[ackmedsgirl666]

ok skyfall much appreciated.
and gazmo... no its not i havent gotten over it. it still haunts me to this day. im scared to try anything with any new guys i meet. the guy im currently with he couldnt understand why i was so scared and when i finally told him he talked me through it and said he would be ok to wait... until i was ready. and we did. and it helped a little but its coming up to one year now of me losing my virginity and it still scares me because then i remember everything that happened, how it happened and even where. i had to even move from my old city because it bothered me so much... but then even being in my mothers house makes me feel uncomfortable knowing i even had sex with him there. just so many memories are coming back because of it and i really wish they would all go away.

[Thepolice5291]

LilMarieLyons, I can't say that I have been through this, I myself said I will save myself for marriage. This guy he is a dickhead, Most guys who talk like him are, most "pretty" boys are
I am glad you have found someone you love
Good luck on your cutting problem, and what he did was Rape, You didn't consent, You basically told him to stop by crying.

[ackmedsgirl666]

yeah and like i said it really hurt...
and i was scared and stupid me forgave him and i consented to sex for the 1st time an hour later. i think thats all he wanted

[ackmedslayer556]

babe trust me iv knowen the guy for a long time and after everything he put us through u and me both should know that u probley arent far off from the truth

[HandheldOutlaw]

I am so sorry for what you've beenvthrough, especially your first time.
I don't have much to say really other than stay strong & you may pm me if you need

Take care
x Laur