i keep getting close

[Castle of Glass]

so lately i have nearly cut my self a couple times. i know the dangerous of it. i keep trying to stop, but my thoughts aren't helping. the only things helping me from doing it are VT, Finnish music, and a Bible quote, the same one that is in my sig, and my fear of blood and pain. not sure though how long i can last. i keep hiding my knife, but i keep taking it out. why is this happening. why can't i just cope!!!! :(

[Desuetude]

What are you expecting to gain from cutting? Just think to yourself what do you want from it? What's the point? If you have a fear of pain and blood then really, that's the perfect motivation (for lack of a better word) to refrain from cutting.

What are these thought's you're referring to? Maybe it would help speaking to someone, is there a good friend, parent, teacher, someone at school/guidance counselor you could go to that might understand? It would be so much better talking about all these things you're finding hard to cope with rather than reaching for a blade every time. If you start relying on self harm as a release it will become addictive that you'll use it even when you're happy, even when there's nothing wrong. You don't want that ruling your life, you want to be able to make decisions for yourself and not let a blade choose them for you.

[Castle of Glass]

What are you expecting to gain from cutting? Just think to yourself what do you want from it? What's the point? If you have a fear of pain and blood then really, that's the perfect motivation (for lack of a better word) to refrain from cutting.

What are these thought's you're referring to? Maybe it would help speaking to someone, is there a good friend, parent, teacher, someone at school/guidance counselor you could go to that might understand? It would be so much better talking about all these things you're finding hard to cope with rather than reaching for a blade every time. If you start relying on self harm as a release it will become addictive that you'll use it even when you're happy, even when there's nothing wrong. You don't want that ruling your life, you want to be able to make decisions for yourself and not let a blade choose them for you.
my thoughts have lately been on, well, i don't know how to write them down. i do my thinking in two languages and mix them together, so it is hard to make sense of it.
the thing is though, i don't anymore have a good friend like that. he left my life after we moved to the other sides of the world. and the school counselor will just report it to my parents, and the teacher will report it to the counselor and then to my parents. i have a friend who cut himself, but that was semi-accidental. but only once and he has never lost anyone or anything to cause a mind change or what ever. I do have goals, but i can't even try to reach them currently as they all require money, something i am short on. but i guess it is a good thing that i can stop myself before the blade bites down?

[Desuetude]

my thoughts have lately been on, well, i don't know how to write them down. i do my thinking in two languages and mix them together, so it is hard to make sense of it.
the thing is though, i don't anymore have a good friend like that. he left my life after we moved to the other sides of the world. and the school counselor will just report it to my parents, and the teacher will report it to the counselor and then to my parents. i have a friend who cut himself, but that was semi-accidental. but only once and he has never lost anyone or anything to cause a mind change or what ever. I do have goals, but i can't even try to reach them currently as they all require money, something i am short on. but i guess it is a good thing that i can stop myself before the blade bites down?
To beat it you need to realise what it is that is making you feel the negative things you've been feeling. You need to find the cause of the problem so you can fix it, help yourself. I know it's hard sometimes to sort out feelings and things in your mind but how about every day keeping a blog or a journal and just write down everything be that good or bad, small or big just write everything down and hopefully something in that should notify you as to what's causing you to feel so low.

Could you not talk to your parents? Maybe it will be better that they know? Not about the cutting but just about how you're feeling, they could be able to help you. Setting goals you could achieve the age you are now, maybe the end of this school year would be more appropriate and would help motivate you. Make short term goals to always keep you going rather than just long term ones that seem to far away and so much effort.

Yeah, that is good but sometimes -as you've said- it's not enough. I suggest you do find someone to talk to but maybe that will become apparent to you in your own time. In the meantime find some distraction/coping methods such as: exercise, reading, music, painting, writing, photography, cooking. Find something that helps rid the urges and gives you a release somewhat, what relaxes you?

[Castle of Glass]

To beat it you need to realise what it is that is making you feel the negative things you've been feeling. You need to find the cause of the problem so you can fix it, help yourself. I know it's hard sometimes to sort out feelings and things in your mind but how about every day keeping a blog or a journal and just write down everything be that good or bad, small or big just write everything down and hopefully something in that should notify you as to what's causing you to feel so low.

Could you not talk to your parents? Maybe it will be better that they know? Not about the cutting but just about how you're feeling, they could be able to help you. Setting goals you could achieve the age you are now, maybe the end of this school year would be more appropriate and would help motivate you. Make short term goals to always keep you going rather than just long term ones that seem to far away and so much effort.

Yeah, that is good but sometimes -as you've said- it's not enough. I suggest you do find someone to talk to but maybe that will become apparent to you in your own time. In the meantime find some distraction/coping methods such as: exercise, reading, music, painting, writing, photography, cooking. Find something that helps rid the urges and gives you a release somewhat, what relaxes you?
I know what is making me feel these thoughts. I know the large image, but i don't know why i can't control it like normal people. I have already posted it in my blog, due to the story telling reason. and writing a blog or dairy does not work for me. two reasons, one both of them can be found and second both of them could be lost/leaked.

Lets just say that my parents are a big no no for things like these. it is not that they are prejudiced to mentally ill people, but they can't see their little baby(a.k.a me) having a mental issue. as for the goals, i find short term goals too easy. i like to challenge myself. like i want to be a CIF wrestling Champ(California Interscholastic Federation. handle interscholastic game tournaments), but can only happen when i am a senior, so i am training for it(long term). also i want to climb Everest(even longer term) but i have a internet page bookmarked with everything i need, i have been physically getting in shape and training for it, but i can't train my skills for it as mountaineering needs a lot of money. so i like pushing myself, but i can't work on my main goals due to financing to help me clear my head, so they just back fire on me. making me more down and closer :(

I like reading, writing, cooking, and music(i am a musician), but with the music, i have been listening to Finnish music, which is mostly sad music. also with my playing, i have been discouraged as my grandmother was a main supporter of all my music playing but now that she has moved away forever, i break down. Cooking is another thing that relaxes me, but i am not allowed to make meals from scratch without my parents permitting it, something that is rarely given. I also love writing, but i suck at it :( and reading is pretty much the only thing i can do, but my parents get super pissed if i read for 6 hours non stop.