I don't know what to do!

[Atomic_Bananas]

Hi, my name is Sarah. I have a boyfriend. Well..umm...it's hard for me to say this because it's just so upsetting. My boyfriend had a girlfriend who was murdered 7 months ago. He loved her so much, this year would have been their 5th year together. He spent those 7 months in depression and suicidal thoughts. During those 7 months he met this other girl who helped him through it. They dated for 5 months. Broke up for..well classified reasons. Anyways, about 3 months later he met me. We have so much fun together, I love him, It seems like he loves me back, we haven't said it yet. Anyways, well...alot reminds him off his passed away girlfriend. And whenever it does, he'll say it, and talk about her. In front of me. I mean, I care about him, and I wish I could do something to help and make him be more happy. But..I don't know...sometimes I feel like he talks about her..too much..Like I understand he misses her. Like I do, I get it. But he's with me now. Sometimes I feel like he's only dating me to help get his mind off of her or get over her. I feel like I should say something to him, but I don't wanna say the wrong thing, or make him mad and make him think I don't care. So basically I don't know what to say. But then there's a part of me that says, "Just don't say anything, let him be, he can get through this. If he's not over her in a year, if we're still dating, then that's when some issues might occur..." So I just need help, I don't know what to do about this. Can anyone help?? :(

[sheeshcabob]

It sounds like he is just still having trouble coping with the entire situation. What is important to him at the moment is that you are able to help him feel better about himself. My suggestion is that you should just wait it out and he will come around sooner or later.

[ackmedsgirl666]

too a point i can understand where he may be coming from
i was in a close relationship with a guy(almost a year) and we broke up due to law enforcment reasons. its been nice months since ive been with my current guy and im still not over my ex. i talk about him alot and it really bugs my current bf
as for your guy just give him some time. it was 5 years they were obviously very close. im surprisd hes even willing to be in a relationship after something like that
you can either ignore it when he talks about her or you can confront him and be lake hunnie i know you cared about her alot and you miss her... and i know were together not but your making me feel hurt/uncomfortable and used whenever you talk about her. and if your up for it suggest a break to give him some time to clear his head :)

[joevalle90]

I know how you feel. Basically, your boyfriend now is still on his way to moving on. I have a friend now in college (male) and we're closed friend and he had that same situation like the guy you're dating. They've been in a relationship for 4 years I guess and they split because of reasons. So for him it is not easy to move on, same thing with him. What he did is, he courts every girl he likes just to not feel bored and remember the memories again. He dates girl for pastime, just trying to forget about the girl. I'm not saying that he takes advantage of you just to forget his past. He just simply need someone to talk to.


So for me, you should still be beside him whenever he's sad. Comfort him with advices and help him to forget the past. I believe that, someday he will learn to like you after he moved on.

-By the way, I was once like you (dating to help get her mind off). We usually talk and I comfort her with advices just to forget her ex boyfriend but the difference between my experience and yours is that we're not in a relationship (just mutual).

[FreeFall]

She was murdered, didn't even die but someone took her life, 7 months ago.
They would've been together 5 years.

Please try to be more understanding.
His wound is still very, very raw.
He loved her so much, and she was yanked away from him.
I'm sorry to say it but from the sound of it, if someone hadn't killed her, you wouldn't even be able to be with him right now.

Yes, he's with you now. But the hurt's still fresh. The memory's still fresh. You're the new girlfriend, not a magical heal all and make every single thing better potion. The girl was murdered, and unless it was an act of vengeance for something that happened, he hasn't gotten any closure. He's probably having trouble coming to terms because he can't get an answer as to "why her? Why was she killed? Why'd it have to be her out of all the people on the earth?"

It hasn't even been a year for him to mourn.

You're also taking what he's saying way too personally. He's not saying "this reminds me of..." to hurt you or belittle you or remind you she died. He's mourning. He's missing what was, he's missing her, he's hurting. It's not about you, frankly if my boyfriend were in that situation I'd probably start crying with him and let him remember their good times, even ask about their good times to help him get it all out, not sitting there miffed off that xyz reminds him of the dead one. To feel insecure over a dead girl? I'm not trying to attack you but...it's really not about you.
I'm sure he's not trying to place her shoes in front of you to fill either. he's not asking you to be her, to be like her. He's just grieving.

Just be there for him. It's still too fresh.

But if you really can't deal with a boy that's still mourning, leave because in a year you'll have to deal with the "death anniversary" and how he's mourning that it's been a year since she's been killed, that it's really been a year and how a year ago they were xyz or she was xyz. Time heals all, but a lot of time is needed here.

[Atomic_Bananas]

She was murdered, didn't even die but someone took her life, 7 months ago.
They would've been together 5 years.

Please try to be more understanding.
His wound is still very, very raw.
He loved her so much, and she was yanked away from him.
I'm sorry to say it but from the sound of it, if someone hadn't killed her, you wouldn't even be able to be with him right now.

Yes, he's with you now. But the hurt's still fresh. The memory's still fresh. You're the new girlfriend, not a magical heal all and make every single thing better potion. The girl was murdered, and unless it was an act of vengeance for something that happened, he hasn't gotten any closure. He's probably having trouble coming to terms because he can't get an answer as to "why her? Why was she killed? Why'd it have to be her out of all the people on the earth?"

It hasn't even been a year for him to mourn.

You're also taking what he's saying way too personally. He's not saying "this reminds me of..." to hurt you or belittle you or remind you she died. He's mourning. He's missing what was, he's missing her, he's hurting. It's not about you, frankly if my boyfriend were in that situation I'd probably start crying with him and let him remember their good times, even ask about their good times to help him get it all out, not sitting there miffed off that xyz reminds him of the dead one. To feel insecure over a dead girl? I'm not trying to attack you but...it's really not about you.
I'm sure he's not trying to place her shoes in front of you to fill either. he's not asking you to be her, to be like her. He's just grieving.

Just be there for him. It's still too fresh.

But if you really can't deal with a boy that's still mourning, leave because in a year you'll have to deal with the "death anniversary" and how he's mourning that it's been a year since she's been killed, that it's really been a year and how a year ago they were xyz or she was xyz. Time heals all, but a lot of time is needed here.

I guess your right. Maybe I am being to personal about this. I mean I did cry with him when he was telling me about her. And I do let him share his good times with her. Sometimes I enjoy hearing about it, it can be funny sometimes, and we laugh together about it. I don't mean to seem selfish or conceited, I've just never dealt with anything like this before. So I didn't know what to do. So I could just let him mourn for a little and let him talk about her, and try to cheer him up. But like I said I've never dealt with this kind of thing before..

[Taryn98]

That's a tragic situation that could take years to get over. Your job as a friend and partner is to give love and support to him while he heals. I would recommend you encourage him to get counseling with a grief counselor so he learns how to deal with it. Maybe you could go with him sometimes so you can also better understand how you can deal with this and help encourage him to process his thoughts and feelings.