BandaidMe
October 21st, 2012, 08:55 PM
Hello everyone! I registered on this site just to get this out.
So, I have issues. My main one is the cutting. In the beginning, when I was about 11 or 12, I'd cut just so I wouldn't do something drastic to anyone else because I know I wouldn't be able to bear that type of guilt. I'd hold in all my negative emotions which would later show up as cuts on my body.
Today, I cut to relieve myself of my negative emotions, but also because I like seeing myself bleed. It feels like a reward. In order to get a bigger reward I have to cut more and cut deeper. I don't know what to do. My mother knows about my past self harming and thinks I've stopped. I've just gotten better at hiding it. When I try to talk to her about such things, she just looks so...disappointed and I don't want to talk about it anymore because it makes me feel even more guilty. I just can't quit, and she believes I can just drop the habit cold turkey. It's tough being looked at as though you're nothing but a failure. I want to stop but it's addicting. I've picked up hobbies, and other things but the only thing I can focus on is the urge in the back of my mind. It's always there waiting for me. I want it so badly...
I'm even more scared of what my addiction is turning me into. I pretty much lost it when my special shard of glass went missing. I felt as though somebody just ripped me into pieces. Feeling lost over a shard of glass? That's crazy, but that's me. I found something else but it just isn't the same.
I fear I may go too far one day, as I creep closer and closer to that vein without even realizing it. I wasn't planning on going out this way. I'll be 18 in a week. I can't be going downhill already.
So, I have issues. My main one is the cutting. In the beginning, when I was about 11 or 12, I'd cut just so I wouldn't do something drastic to anyone else because I know I wouldn't be able to bear that type of guilt. I'd hold in all my negative emotions which would later show up as cuts on my body.
Today, I cut to relieve myself of my negative emotions, but also because I like seeing myself bleed. It feels like a reward. In order to get a bigger reward I have to cut more and cut deeper. I don't know what to do. My mother knows about my past self harming and thinks I've stopped. I've just gotten better at hiding it. When I try to talk to her about such things, she just looks so...disappointed and I don't want to talk about it anymore because it makes me feel even more guilty. I just can't quit, and she believes I can just drop the habit cold turkey. It's tough being looked at as though you're nothing but a failure. I want to stop but it's addicting. I've picked up hobbies, and other things but the only thing I can focus on is the urge in the back of my mind. It's always there waiting for me. I want it so badly...
I'm even more scared of what my addiction is turning me into. I pretty much lost it when my special shard of glass went missing. I felt as though somebody just ripped me into pieces. Feeling lost over a shard of glass? That's crazy, but that's me. I found something else but it just isn't the same.
I fear I may go too far one day, as I creep closer and closer to that vein without even realizing it. I wasn't planning on going out this way. I'll be 18 in a week. I can't be going downhill already.