emma148
October 20th, 2012, 12:18 AM
Why do I binge? Because I am deprived of food. Why am I deprived of food? As a way to "undo" my binges. I have been trapped in this merciless cycle for over a year now. When I'm restricting my calories, I feel great. Empowered. Thin. In control. But when I binge, I feel guilt, self-hatred, confusion, and disappointment in myself.
To some people, living this way may seem extreme. But to me, this is my every day life. This is all I have known for the last 2.5+ years of my life. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. From a starving, fragile, ill and dangerously overexerted anorexic to a binge-eater who fills herself to the brim until she's sick. And now I'm stuck in between. I'll under-eat for a few weeks, lose some weight and feel fantastic on the inside, but weakened and lethargic on the outside, which only leads me to another binge. And then the feelings of shame and guilt take over, and thus the cycle repeats itself.
I really just can't do this to myself anymore. I want nothing more than to be freed from this vicious demon of an eating disorder, but I don't know how. And with the recent passing of my dad, I simply don't have any motivation to recover anymore. This ED is draining every part of me, both physically and mentally, and I'm losing faith in myself. I know that my dad would want nothing more than for his daughter to be the happy, care-free, energetic spirit that I once was, but sadly I feel miserable, lonely and trapped.
I want to feel alive again. I want to know what it feels like to truly be happy again. I no longer want to be a slave to my eating disorder. I want help.
I desperately want to be understood. At school, I have no one I can confide in. At home, I have a judgmental mother. I have a therapist who gives me the same damn answers every time. I feel kind of pathetic that I have to resort to posting anonymously on a website to make my feelings known, but at this point I am so desperate for some relief that I don't even fucking care anymore.
To anyone who actually read all of this, thanks. I know I probably seem pretty crazy :P
PS, this is my first post on this website.
To some people, living this way may seem extreme. But to me, this is my every day life. This is all I have known for the last 2.5+ years of my life. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. From a starving, fragile, ill and dangerously overexerted anorexic to a binge-eater who fills herself to the brim until she's sick. And now I'm stuck in between. I'll under-eat for a few weeks, lose some weight and feel fantastic on the inside, but weakened and lethargic on the outside, which only leads me to another binge. And then the feelings of shame and guilt take over, and thus the cycle repeats itself.
I really just can't do this to myself anymore. I want nothing more than to be freed from this vicious demon of an eating disorder, but I don't know how. And with the recent passing of my dad, I simply don't have any motivation to recover anymore. This ED is draining every part of me, both physically and mentally, and I'm losing faith in myself. I know that my dad would want nothing more than for his daughter to be the happy, care-free, energetic spirit that I once was, but sadly I feel miserable, lonely and trapped.
I want to feel alive again. I want to know what it feels like to truly be happy again. I no longer want to be a slave to my eating disorder. I want help.
I desperately want to be understood. At school, I have no one I can confide in. At home, I have a judgmental mother. I have a therapist who gives me the same damn answers every time. I feel kind of pathetic that I have to resort to posting anonymously on a website to make my feelings known, but at this point I am so desperate for some relief that I don't even fucking care anymore.
To anyone who actually read all of this, thanks. I know I probably seem pretty crazy :P
PS, this is my first post on this website.