Dimitri
October 17th, 2012, 06:24 PM
So yeah, I didn't get this job I was interviewed for, this is number 18...
Two weeks ago I had my most previous interview, I was wearing my suit but I lost my watch. You never wear a suit without a watch to an interview, it was my Diamond watch. I spent two days looking for it and couldn't find it. So I went to the store and got a nice looking cheap one. It was adjustable so I went to adjust it so it would fit. I tried for hours but gave up and decided to just take it back to the store I got it from and have them do it. The next day I went to the store, no one there was able to fix it, went to another store and no one there either, it took me going to another store to get it fixed.
But the thing that got me was that during the day I felt nothing, I spent the day with Josh apartment shopping, it should have been fun, enlightening and entertaining but I managed to make it through the meeting with the apartment manager but when I got out I was the same.
The thing was I did not love Josh. I looked at him and felt nothing, not one ounce of love for the man I feel and know will spend the rest of my life with. But I felt nothing. I was numb, tired and cared for no one. Depression hit me for the first time in a long while.
This last Sunday Josh took me to go and see Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was a great movie, I loved it. But the thing is, I even read about the movie on-line but I was not ready for it. In that movie there are things, horrible things that caused things to creep up from my past. Things such as rape, cutting and bullying. At one point Charlie walked into the kitchen when he was in a suicidal mind-set and I thought he was going to cut himself and my hands clamped shut, I did not know I had Josh's in mine but he had to punch me in my chest to get me to leave go of his hand.
I was quiet the rest of the evening, the next day I felt better.
But today after getting off the phone with the Human Resources officer from the potential employer I found out that the only reason I did not get this job is because the supervisor did not think I could handle full-time school and full-time work. I was asked by the lady if I really wanted a full-time job and I said "I would not have applied for one if I did not want it."
I sat in the campus center and just felt nothing, I stared out the window and then when my phone went off letting me know it was time to leave for work I left...I had been sitting there for over an hour. I cried on my way to work, I thought about driving off the side of the highway but Josh called me, hearing his voice was the only thing I think that kept me from doing it. I went to work and felt nothing for the children, I love each and every single one of them. I got a hug from all of them and I felt nothing. Nothing in the slightest. For four hours I felt nothing.
Josh called me the minute 6 o'clock hit so that way I would talk to him on the phone during my drive home. We spoke for the duration of the drive and we are texting but I walked into my house and saw my parents, I felt nothing for them.
So now I am just sitting, writing this all out in the hopes that if I write this then it will be out of my mind. But things have just been getting a little worse. Tomorrow is my last midterm of the semester and then the next day I will get to see Josh, I will get to see my Uncle Mike and his husband Ben for the first time since last Christmas. Josh is ecstatic and I cannot wait but right now, I could care less.
I just wanted to write this here and I hope that it helps. If not I guess I will finish studying and read some, maybe talk to Josh before he goes to work.
Any ideas..I am just lost...
Two weeks ago I had my most previous interview, I was wearing my suit but I lost my watch. You never wear a suit without a watch to an interview, it was my Diamond watch. I spent two days looking for it and couldn't find it. So I went to the store and got a nice looking cheap one. It was adjustable so I went to adjust it so it would fit. I tried for hours but gave up and decided to just take it back to the store I got it from and have them do it. The next day I went to the store, no one there was able to fix it, went to another store and no one there either, it took me going to another store to get it fixed.
But the thing that got me was that during the day I felt nothing, I spent the day with Josh apartment shopping, it should have been fun, enlightening and entertaining but I managed to make it through the meeting with the apartment manager but when I got out I was the same.
The thing was I did not love Josh. I looked at him and felt nothing, not one ounce of love for the man I feel and know will spend the rest of my life with. But I felt nothing. I was numb, tired and cared for no one. Depression hit me for the first time in a long while.
This last Sunday Josh took me to go and see Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was a great movie, I loved it. But the thing is, I even read about the movie on-line but I was not ready for it. In that movie there are things, horrible things that caused things to creep up from my past. Things such as rape, cutting and bullying. At one point Charlie walked into the kitchen when he was in a suicidal mind-set and I thought he was going to cut himself and my hands clamped shut, I did not know I had Josh's in mine but he had to punch me in my chest to get me to leave go of his hand.
I was quiet the rest of the evening, the next day I felt better.
But today after getting off the phone with the Human Resources officer from the potential employer I found out that the only reason I did not get this job is because the supervisor did not think I could handle full-time school and full-time work. I was asked by the lady if I really wanted a full-time job and I said "I would not have applied for one if I did not want it."
I sat in the campus center and just felt nothing, I stared out the window and then when my phone went off letting me know it was time to leave for work I left...I had been sitting there for over an hour. I cried on my way to work, I thought about driving off the side of the highway but Josh called me, hearing his voice was the only thing I think that kept me from doing it. I went to work and felt nothing for the children, I love each and every single one of them. I got a hug from all of them and I felt nothing. Nothing in the slightest. For four hours I felt nothing.
Josh called me the minute 6 o'clock hit so that way I would talk to him on the phone during my drive home. We spoke for the duration of the drive and we are texting but I walked into my house and saw my parents, I felt nothing for them.
So now I am just sitting, writing this all out in the hopes that if I write this then it will be out of my mind. But things have just been getting a little worse. Tomorrow is my last midterm of the semester and then the next day I will get to see Josh, I will get to see my Uncle Mike and his husband Ben for the first time since last Christmas. Josh is ecstatic and I cannot wait but right now, I could care less.
I just wanted to write this here and I hope that it helps. If not I guess I will finish studying and read some, maybe talk to Josh before he goes to work.
Any ideas..I am just lost...