..Journal..

[-Silence]

I thought I was leaving, I truely did. But I guess I didn't think that I would quit my last job and get a new one that has the opposite schedule of ben's. I didn't think I'd be home this much, and feel this alone. So I'm sorry.

Anyways, I'm starting a journal, just to keep writing, because I need some kind of outlet and this is all that I know.


Things are alright lately, money is still real hard but Ben also has a new job starting Monday. Today is his last day at the last one. He's been there two years just like I was, and the place just fell apart, Money problems again, haha, we couldn't get paychecks on time and then when we were given them they bounced, so we all had to cash them at the store, which meant you didn't get it till really late. I got a new job at JcPenneys and I like that much better, not as much drama at this one. I work in shoes so we are also always moving, all the other departments looked really boring, but not shoes. I like it alot. And I get paid more, and paychecks are secure, so I'm happy with it.

Today's my day off, so I'm going to do a bit of cleaning and later gotta go to my relatives house for a party fo my brother (Josh), He turned 10 on Wednesday, I went to my step-parents house and it was fun, we had cake, ate dinner, beat his butt in chess :-P, when he went to bed I talked to my parents for a good two hours. That was cool, I haven't seen them in a while. They told me something about mom that really pissed me off. I guess she called last wednesday night, she doesnt't call thursdays and fridays because of her other job and she picks up josh saturday. So anyways, she called and was telling josh that "If Honey (the dog) doesn't straighten up by Saturday she's getting rid of her!" That totally pissed me off because she drops that bomb on a 10 year old boy when she doesn't see or talk to him for another three days! She knew he would be upset and she just left that for my step-parents to deal with. Plus, there's nothing wrong with the dog, she doesn't pay attention to it at all and she gets mad. She keeps her in a cage all day while she's at work, then when she gets home she walks her and lets her loose in the house, which is good, but she's still hyper, she hasn't seen anyone all day, but my mother barely talks to her, barely pets her, so the dog goes looking for attention. She tore a rug up, and maybe a couple other things, but if she was treated her right she wouldn't do that. My mother believes that the only way that dog will listen is if you yell at the top of your lungs, so thats really all she hears. You can't get a perfectly trained dog from the pound. But I guess thats what she expeceted. What's worse is that when they first got the dog my mother was bragging about her to everyone, she was saying how better she was then other dogs including my step parents, and so Josh loved that dog, and when he gets attatched she wants to take her away. She doesn't have control so she's making it so she does.

Wow, now I completely rambled, sorry.

[-Silence]

So, it's about 1am and I can't sleep.
I gotta be up in 5 hours to go to Universal Studios.
It's Ben's first overnight, I miss him, and I'm not used to sleeping alone.


It's gonna be a long night...

[-Silence]

I'm pretty down and I don't understand it.

I thought I was over all of this, I thought I had 'beat' depression, so why is it back haunting my door? Why has it stolen my motivation from me, yet once again? I thought this was something I grew out of, something that faded away when the situation was altered. I thought I had won.

But it is about 6:30pm on my day off and I haven't stepped a foot outside, I haven't done much of anything, and hell, I'm still in my PJ's. I keep saying that I'm gonna go take a shower and go to Wally World, yet I keep putting it off. Just thinking of it makes me tired.

So you've gotta know that the urge is screaming through my ears.
Has been all day.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through cut-free.

[Maverick]

What helps me battle that feeling of staying put and doing nothing is just trying to get in the frame of mind of saying I can do this and nothing can stop me. Easier said than done I know. It's so hard to overcome self-doubt but you just have to believe that you can overcome anything. Attitude plays a major role. Battling depression isn't something that fades away.It's something that has to be maintained and when it comes you have to say No I will not let this control my life or what I do.

[-Silence]

Thank you Anthony
:hug:

Things have gotten alittle better, I think.
I dunno, I'm just here, if that makes any sense.

[Maverick]

Yeah it makes perfect sense.

[-Silence]

I'm just thinking alot, thinking about where I have been and what I want with my life. I'm not exactly happy with it now, but also not sure how to lead it to what I want. I'm not sure if I'm with the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, it just seems like we have alot of falling out, and I'm not happy with that. But on the other hand, I love him to death. I'm so happy when I'm around him. Most of the time.

I just feel overwhelmed, like everything is moving way to fast.
And I can't slow it down.

My birthday is right around the corner, I'm nervous about it, I'll be twenty. It seems so old, it seems like I'm suppossed to know what I'm doing, what I want to do, and how to get to where I want to be. I still haven't applied for a college, I keep putting it off. It seems like I should be further than I am and not just getting by.

But sorry, I don't mean to ramble.

My bro at Universal:
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c384/-Silence/Personal/PICT0022.jpg

My sis:
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c384/-Silence/Personal/PICT0004.jpg

These guys mean the world to me.

[-Silence]

He lied to me. Straight to my goddamn face.
About money no less, which I would be cool with if he had told me the truth.

I need a fucking razor or I'm gonna bash a wall in.

[-Silence]

They are trying to kick us out of the apartment, we are so behind this month.
We were supposed to have $525 by 2pm today, gave us what a four hour notice? We have $85 in our name, there is no way. Ben is going down there to talk to her, he says legally they can't kick us out just yet. Blah-de-blah. It's my day off and I've spent the morning crying.

Ben also asked to see my arm, I hate it when he does that. I just feel so ashamed showing him. He looked at it and then just hugged me. He just let me cry, which I needed.

Today that lie doesn't seem anywhere near as important as what's going on today.

[-Silence]

Ben talked to her and she's giving us till Monday.
That's alot better.

We've got half of it, he's borrowing some money from a friend and then he gets half a paycheck on Monday, Then I get paid Friday. So we should be alright.

That's good, because I'm tired of crying.

[-Silence]

We are all settled out.

-

Today was extremely busy at work.I worked from 12pm to 8pm today with a half hour lunch, and we were non-stop! One of the openers didn't show up so it was me and Tim till 2pm. But whoa, I'm glad I run on commission, should be a good paycheck!
:-P

[Maverick]

Glad things worked out Heather.

[-Silence]

Cable got shut off today.
No phone, no cable box, but for some reason the computer works, very slow, but works.
The worst thing is that I get my paycheck today, all of it's going towards bills and barely making a dent in them.
Power is past due, water is past due, cable obviously, rent is due tomorrow, soon to be past due. No car insurance because it never got paid, no cell for the same reason.

It gets frustrating, having so much due and not enough money to pay them.
I'd hate to see my credit score.

So, you guessed it, I'm pretty down tonight.

[-Silence]

Sex is funny.

I can't push that feeling that sex is the only reason he stays. The sad thing is that I've felt that way the entire time we've been together. Maybe it's from years of being told that men will do or say anything to get into your pants. Maybe I'm just insecure about someone loving me.

But I've got that gut feeling and I can't shake it.

All of his surprises and all of his comments are sexual, maybe he's just too much of a guy and I'm too sensitive about the topic. But then there's the times that he's in a mood and I'm not and it seems like he gets mad at me for not being in a mood. He won't ever tell me he's upset but you can just tell.

Sorry, this is probably too much information, but I had to rant.

[-Silence]

I'll be back...soon, I hope.

[Mannequin]

Hey heather, i read your entries. I hope things are doing ok. i think it'd help you if you put everything in perspective. if everything falls apart...so what? life is so short and nothing truely matters more than making yourself happy. ive been very close to suicide several times. ive been so low that i'd write negative thoughts and ideas of a sheet of paper about myself and read them to myself in front of the mirror, but i find that you have to be logical. guys are different from girls. no true emotions come from sex and they dont have any idea about how you feel all the time. just be optimistic and things get better.

[Whisper]

I'll be back...soon, I hope.


I miss you sweetie

[-Silence]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/2008/ch080224.gif

[Φρανκομβριτ]

Lawl!!!!!

[Mannequin]

yay, i love you and i love these.

[-Silence]

You know the scars on my arm have been healed on my arm for some time now. They are the best that they are ever going to get. But guess what I got today at work...Questions. What happened to your arm? How did that happen? I don't understand how I'm supposed to throw this away when it seems like it's constantly shoved back in my face. How am I supposed to come to terms with it?

I don't know, right now I'm just here, fighting the urge of ruining my 5 months.

[-Silence]

In January I met my father.

It was very awkward.

And I think I messed up, I saw him with my mother and I kinda let her do most of the talking and now she feels like she's back in control of me. Every time I speak to her she is telling me what I should and should not do. I want to just tell her off but maybe it's best that she feels that way and I just play along.


http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c384/-Silence/prod_891_29342.jpg

---------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure what's going on with Ben and I.
---------------------------------------------------------

No Good
-Kate Voegele

I never feared the unexpected
'Till I found myself in this peculiar place
Unaware of where I was headed
Turns out it was your footsteps I had chased

Well I should know so much better than this
But you've occupied the center of my universe

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

It's illogical and it's outrageous
The way I let you keep me hangin' on
Your character is that contagious
I know I should have thought before I had done
I've gone and let my impulse be my guide
And on that note I'll be defenseless for some time

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

Hey you there keep your distance
Don't you come around here
Don't test my patience baby
'Cause I aint gonna let you off easy

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good
'Till the day I learn you're No Good
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

You're No Good, you're No good, you're No Good, you're No Good for me
You're No Good, you're No good, you're No Good for me

Ooh you're No Good
Ooh you're No Good
No Good for me

[-Silence]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake and I can't take it back.

I don't wanna talk.

[-Silence]

My computer is back on for good, and right now I am painting the kitchen!
:-P

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/2008/ch080316.gif

I've got tons of stuff to say but no time right now, so take care!

[-Silence]

I feel like I've been lying, so I wanna get this out of my system.
Don't look down at me for this.

Remember: You can't help who you love.

When I moved out of my stepparents, Ben is the one that took me in. I used to work with him at the pizza place. He knew that I didn't have anywhere to go so he rented a room from his house to me. Ben was married, is 31 years old, and has two daughters. He doesn't act like it but yes, there is an 11 year difference. We were just friends but I'm afraid things escalated from there, while he was still married. They fought all the time even before I was involved. He left her, because of me, for me. It's not something I'm proud of but I had to get it out. Please don't look down at me for that, I never meant for it to happen that way, I never meant for it to happen at all.

But he's the best thing thats ever happened to me.

[-Silence]

Leave The Light On
By: Beth Hart

I've seen myself, with a dirty face
I've cut my luck, with a dirty ace
I leave the light on
I leave the light on
I went from zero, to minus ten
I drank your wine, then I stole your man
I leave the light on
I leave that light on

Daddy ain't that bad, he just plays rough
I ain't that scarred, when I'm covered up
I leave the light on
Yeah, I leave the light on
Little girl hiding underneath the bed
Was it something I did? Must be something I said
I leave the light on
I better leave the light on

[Chorus 1]
'Cause I wanna love
And I wanna live
Yeah, I don't know much about it
And I never did - no, no

17, and I'm all messed up inside
I cut myself, just to feel alive
And I leave the light on
And I leave the light on
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I leave the light on
I better leave the light on

[Chorus 2]
'Cause I wanna love
And I wanna live
Yea, I don't know much about it
And I never did
I don't know what to do
Can the damage be undone?
I swore to God that I'd never be
What I've become

And lucky stars, and fairy tales
I'm gonna bathe myself, in a ocean well
Pretty scars from cigarettes
I never will forget - I never will forget

I'm still afraid, to be alone
Wish that the moon would follow me home
I leave the light on
Yeah, I leave that light on

I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up
I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough

[Chorus 2]
'Cause I wanna love
I wanna live
No, I don't know much about it
And I never did
I don't know what to do
Can the damage be undone?
I swore to God that I'd never be
What I've become

I leave that light…
I leave that light…
I leave that light on

God bless the child, with the dirty face
Who cuts her luck, with a dirty ace
She leaves the light on
I leave that light on

[-Silence]

Good Morning!

Gotta make this quick 'cause I gotta get ready for work.

Right now I work on the sales floor in the shoe department, starting monday I will be working in the stockroom!! I'm so excited because thats what I wanted to do. It will be alittle bit less hours for right now, later it will pick up but I will be working 8am-1pm everyday, weekends off, which leaves room for college!!

I can't wait till Monday!

[Mannequin]

Aww, heather..its so great to see you. i never talk to you anymore, but i love reading your posts. you shouldn't feel bad about the Ben situation though--although its understandable why really--. Someone as great as you has made an impact on his life as much as he has on yours. the kids probably live in a safer environment without fighting and ill eventually appreciate you if they dont already now (i know i would!).

you are a great person and don't forget it. :)

[-Silence]

Thanks hun, that means alot.
:hug2:


Today is my last day on the sales floor, should be busy too, no school. Tomorrow morning Ben and I leave to head out to Jacksonville to see him mom. We are coming back Sunday evening and then I'm heading over to my parents for easter.

So happy Easter everyone!

[-Silence]

(Sigh)

I'm incredibly down tonight.

[-Silence]

Maybe . . .

When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . .

It is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . .

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . .

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it wasthe best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . . .

Happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt,all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . .

You shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
You should look for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Maybe . . .

You should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe . . .

You should try to live your life to the fullest because whenyou were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling

[-Silence]

He just called me, my father. And I was too much of a pansy to pick up.

I hope he calls back 'cause I'm not calling, lol.

A couple days ago I sent him a email, I wrote it all on paper first and it was three pages long, It was just telling him things that happened that he missed, I also told him that I didn't want money, the child support that he owes me I'm going to send right back to him, because I don't want it, I don't need it. I didn't go over there for money, I went over there for a chance to have a face for my "father".

I'm scared. Haha.

[-Silence]

I have this habit of pushing everyone away, I will hold someone close for a little bit and then slowly let them go. I build these walls up so thick so people give up before even approaching me. Sometimes I think I'm protecting myself, but from what? The world? Is not as scary as I make it out to be. Yet still that doesn't change a thing. Because of that I am constantly lonely, that's become my state of normal. In a way I don't believe anyone would care to see me, so I stop it there so they don't even stand a chance. I feel like I am subconsciously starting to push Ben away, we seem like we are drifting, and that is always my fault. It worries me. I don't know how to bring him closer, and if I do that, would he want to stay? I wouldn't if I was him.

Tonight I feel lonelier than lonely.

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c384/-Silence/StayAway.gif

[-Silence]

So...
I talked to my father for about an hour and a half.
Found out some very interesting things.
Not sure what to think yet.