Severe Psychological Problems

[Rabbot]

Wlp. Where do I begin. Okay well, I'm an abuse victim throughout my childhood until 12. Basically I have PTSD. After all that I just went emotionless, depressed, and have an insane amount of Rage. Not anger. Rage. It built up till I was 17. Which is now.
The WHOLE time after being abused like that, my feelings for any person and family just stopped. Meaning, I don't care about anyone.
Nor myself. Surprisingly. But, I do use people as tools to get my life better. On a daily basis.
I went into a couple psychiatric wards around 13, cause my mother thinks me wanting to kill anyone that deserves to be killed is bad.
Anyways, first sign of Rage was in 2011, I was forced to join Youth Challenge. Sometime in the 4th Month, I was being punished outside with 4 other kids. They started throwing rocks at my leg. Each hit just ticked me off.
My eyes burned; I know I felt some type of steam escape my body. I walked over by the worker's station, grabbed a shovel and went to town on all four of them. Did not stop. What surprised me is that they were all bigger than me and they cowered in fear. My sergeant tackled me and punished me even more.
Since 8 years old, I would have constant nightmares. Not a single normal dream. *Not related to my PTSD, though I do get flashbacks.
My pyromania is getting out of hand too. Auditory Hallucinations come to me on a daily basis. I'm not allowed near any type of gun or blade. I crashed my first car as a suicide attempt. Same with the second.

How can I just be normal teen with a normal life. I don't want to be Emperor Caligura..or Ghengis Kahn. Cause, I sure do feel I'll tick the last nerve one day.

[Rabbot]

23 views and no replies? Disappointed.

[MangoLoop]

I'm sorry that you have had to go through all of this.
Are you on any sort of medication?
I know you said that you were in a mental health ward for a while, but have you tried just going to a regular psychologist?
Are you still living with your mother? Maybe your problems could be stemming from that?
I'm honestly not quite sure what to tell you, but hang in there! If you need to, you can contact me any time.

[Freiheit]

Wlp. Where do I begin. Okay well, I'm an abuse victim throughout my childhood until 12. Basically I have PTSD. After all that I just went emotionless, depressed, and have an insane amount of Rage. Not anger. Rage. It built up till I was 17. Which is now.
The WHOLE time after being abused like that, my feelings for any person and family just stopped. Meaning, I don't care about anyone.
Nor myself. Surprisingly. But, I do use people as tools to get my life better. On a daily basis.
I went into a couple psychiatric wards around 13, cause my mother thinks me wanting to kill anyone that deserves to be killed is bad.
Anyways, first sign of Rage was in 2011, I was forced to join Youth Challenge. Sometime in the 4th Month, I was being punished outside with 4 other kids. They started throwing rocks at my leg. Each hit just ticked me off.
My eyes burned; I know I felt some type of steam escape my body. I walked over by the worker's station, grabbed a shovel and went to town on all four of them. Did not stop. What surprised me is that they were all bigger than me and they cowered in fear. My sergeant tackled me and punished me even more.
Since 8 years old, I would have constant nightmares. Not a single normal dream. *Not related to my PTSD, though I do get flashbacks.
My pyromania is getting out of hand too. Auditory Hallucinations come to me on a daily basis. I'm not allowed near any type of gun or blade. I crashed my first car as a suicide attempt. Same with the second.

How can I just be normal teen with a normal life. I don't want to be Emperor Caligura..or Ghengis Kahn. Cause, I sure do feel I'll tick the last nerve one day.

Brah, you gotta breath. Genghis Khan was pretty cool but I don't really see the relevance. Find something to do with your life. Work on your grades, go to college or join the army. Crashing cars is a pretty nasty way to go. It's messy, don't do it. Try to avoid confrontation when you're pissed. Or if you're always piss, go hit the gym and take it out while your there.

[Rabbot]

I'm sorry that you have had to go through all of this.
Are you on any sort of medication?
I know you said that you were in a mental health ward for a while, but have you tried just going to a regular psychologist?
Are you still living with your mother? Maybe your problems could be stemming from that?
I'm honestly not quite sure what to tell you, but hang in there! If you need to, you can contact me any time.

I don't live with that wench anymore. I go to a community college, about to be accepted into a gaming school. I'm on 12 different medication. I've been through 5 doctors. I can't tell them what my problems really are. They'll lock me up in jail or a straight jacket. I have to keep going with my life, but I know sooner or later someone might lose their life. Either me or a random pedestrian.

[MangoLoop]

I don't live with that wench anymore. I go to a community college, about to be accepted into a gaming school. I'm on 12 different medication. I've been through 5 doctors. I can't tell them what my problems really are. They'll lock me up in jail or a straight jacket. I have to keep going with my life, but I know sooner or later someone might lose their life. Either me or a random pedestrian.
Okay, I'm glad that you are away from your mother and are doing something constructive with your time.
I do think that you need to tell your doctor about what is going on, even though you think that it will have negative consequences. They cannot help you if they don't know what exactly is going on.

In the mean time, try to find your bliss. You need to find something that drains your anger, without causing yourself or anyone else harm. Maybe invest in taking a martial art or Tai Chi. You could play rugby or learn how to rock climb. You are going to a gaming school? Maybe start reading up on things that you will be learning.