painful paradice
October 15th, 2012, 01:42 AM
So I just got out an asylum a little bit ago and like I predicted nothing's changed in the slightest. My grandmother is still a bastardizing bitch and my grandfather is a background character. I get even less time to talk to my mother than I did before but whatever I just miss her. So um... right like I've been clean for twenty two days. eight more and I make a month, yay me... not really. I feel nothing but drowning right now. The overwhelming urge to hurt or kill myself is just stacking up like there's no escape. I want to climb out of the wreckage that is my life, but what's the point. It's just going to hit self destruct soon enough and then I'll end up at the bottom of a pile of concrete. I don't even deserve to climb out really. There's nothing I've ever done to deserve a good life so why should I have one? I should just smile and pretend everything's good and go about my day right? right. no reason to even try to pretend that I have anything that matters. No life, no purpose, no soul, not even a heart inside my chest. Just a hollow empty shell with a mask on it that's been framed for a photography shoot that never ends.
I try to keep from doing it for my boyfriend, but He's really all I have right now. Maybe I could try harder and get some more friends or something, not really looking like a possibility though, and I graduate high school in about eight months so... just have to make sure my half life is at least eight more months, then I can escape. Then I can leave and not come back. But who am I kidding? I'm going to end up in another mental institution soon enough for my burning. Then like I already see coming as it is I fail school and I just drop behind, finish next year right? whatever. Just another nail in my coffin.
If I were to sum up the reasons not to kill myself or hurt myself again they would be my boy friend and my therapist and my mother. I try to hold on but why should I?
If I try to speak I get silenced. If I try to move and get stopped. If I try to cry, I get told to shut up. but it doesn't matter. I've had a good run... goodish. I have a house and a family, doesn't matter the houses have either ended up out of our hands or the fact that my current one is a trailer. Doesn't matter if the family wasn't loving and supportive and whatnot. doesn't matter if I can do anything really. nothing matters. So why shouldn't I open a vein? Because there's some slim chance that just over the next crap pile there's a way out? over the next crap pile is another crap pile. that if I keep crawling and trying that I'll be paid off someday? Karma isn't real. And I shouldn't do it because it's wrong? What if I'm just meant to do it? what if all the point of my suffering and unholy existence is just for me to be a fuck up and hurt myself or worse?
I can't handle school on top of all the other crap. I can't handle the yelling or the bitching, the fact that I'm losing the fight for my mind to insanity, the fight of depression, Can't handle the fact that my friends are dying and killing themselves. Can't handle the stress. the fact I'm so stupid I can't even remember anything anymore. The crying... okay so there isn't much crying. I have to be a big tough guy. there's no crying allowed. Don't even have the ability to do it anymore. but if anyone reads this they get the point.
well I have a headache and it's quarter to three in the morning. I'm just gonna end the message here.
I try to keep from doing it for my boyfriend, but He's really all I have right now. Maybe I could try harder and get some more friends or something, not really looking like a possibility though, and I graduate high school in about eight months so... just have to make sure my half life is at least eight more months, then I can escape. Then I can leave and not come back. But who am I kidding? I'm going to end up in another mental institution soon enough for my burning. Then like I already see coming as it is I fail school and I just drop behind, finish next year right? whatever. Just another nail in my coffin.
If I were to sum up the reasons not to kill myself or hurt myself again they would be my boy friend and my therapist and my mother. I try to hold on but why should I?
If I try to speak I get silenced. If I try to move and get stopped. If I try to cry, I get told to shut up. but it doesn't matter. I've had a good run... goodish. I have a house and a family, doesn't matter the houses have either ended up out of our hands or the fact that my current one is a trailer. Doesn't matter if the family wasn't loving and supportive and whatnot. doesn't matter if I can do anything really. nothing matters. So why shouldn't I open a vein? Because there's some slim chance that just over the next crap pile there's a way out? over the next crap pile is another crap pile. that if I keep crawling and trying that I'll be paid off someday? Karma isn't real. And I shouldn't do it because it's wrong? What if I'm just meant to do it? what if all the point of my suffering and unholy existence is just for me to be a fuck up and hurt myself or worse?
I can't handle school on top of all the other crap. I can't handle the yelling or the bitching, the fact that I'm losing the fight for my mind to insanity, the fight of depression, Can't handle the fact that my friends are dying and killing themselves. Can't handle the stress. the fact I'm so stupid I can't even remember anything anymore. The crying... okay so there isn't much crying. I have to be a big tough guy. there's no crying allowed. Don't even have the ability to do it anymore. but if anyone reads this they get the point.
well I have a headache and it's quarter to three in the morning. I'm just gonna end the message here.