ReginaGeorge
October 14th, 2012, 06:29 AM
I'm 16 and I've been feeling low and had troubles with self-harm/body image/self esteem etc since I was about 13, but up until now I've never developed any other symptoms of depression (except for a suicidal urge about a year ago).
The most notable symptom being lack of motivation and interest in things I used to enjoy, school specifically. In first term I earned three A's, in third term, D's and E's (F's). I used to go to school 4 days a week, sometimes 5. Since this symptom's progressed, I'd be very lucky to go 2 days a week. Most of the time it's one day a week, sometimes none. The hardest part is getting up and going, it's very difficult and not just in a "I want to stay in my warm cozy bed" way. Staying home has helped keep my mood more even, while negatively affecting my social life and grades, which is fine until I have to face it.
Another symptom is trouble with sleeping. It's very hard to get to sleep, even when I'm tired, it can take up hours and rarely, take all night so I do not sleep. I do not enjoy trying to go to sleep now. After sleeping and trying to wake up is also very hard, not just when I have things to do. When I wake up, I don't want to wake up I just want to keep dreaming and not face anything.
Not matter what I do, my life seems so boring and unsatisfying. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and sometimes struggle to see the point, when in reality I know I'm coming up to some important events, like year 11 exams, year 12, graduation etc.
I'm noticing I am more quiet than usual in social situations, I am a quiet person but I did have burst of socialness, that I don't seem to have anymore, and I find it hard to maintain friendships, having so much time off school is contributing to that. I've noticed I'm feeling the usual low earlier and earlier in the day. When I'm not low or sad/angry whatever, I'm 'content', I'm not really okay with everything but it's not like it's bad, idk. Most of the time I usually felt the low half way through or later during the day/night, but now it can be from once I'm fully awake to fully asleep later that night. So literally all day.
And I can see this post is becoming less and less organized, but this is so hard to explain. While I have all these things going on, sometimes I feel 'okay'. Before I wrote this I thought I was more 'okay' than sad most of the time, but now I don't even know and this post has completely lost idk structure, grammar, it's point.
I'M GETTING FRUSTRATED THIS IS SO HARD TO EXPLAIN.
One last point, while I do not think about killing myself, and I don't consider suicidal thoughts, I am considering considering suicidal thoughts, and while that may sound stupid, it's closer to premeditated suicide thoughts than I've ever been. Like, I feel like I could open a door and let them in but they wouldn't actually exist until I opened that door and I wouldn't actually open that door willingly.. idk im sorry this is so hardergthowe3.
idek
What do you think? What should I do?
The most notable symptom being lack of motivation and interest in things I used to enjoy, school specifically. In first term I earned three A's, in third term, D's and E's (F's). I used to go to school 4 days a week, sometimes 5. Since this symptom's progressed, I'd be very lucky to go 2 days a week. Most of the time it's one day a week, sometimes none. The hardest part is getting up and going, it's very difficult and not just in a "I want to stay in my warm cozy bed" way. Staying home has helped keep my mood more even, while negatively affecting my social life and grades, which is fine until I have to face it.
Another symptom is trouble with sleeping. It's very hard to get to sleep, even when I'm tired, it can take up hours and rarely, take all night so I do not sleep. I do not enjoy trying to go to sleep now. After sleeping and trying to wake up is also very hard, not just when I have things to do. When I wake up, I don't want to wake up I just want to keep dreaming and not face anything.
Not matter what I do, my life seems so boring and unsatisfying. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and sometimes struggle to see the point, when in reality I know I'm coming up to some important events, like year 11 exams, year 12, graduation etc.
I'm noticing I am more quiet than usual in social situations, I am a quiet person but I did have burst of socialness, that I don't seem to have anymore, and I find it hard to maintain friendships, having so much time off school is contributing to that. I've noticed I'm feeling the usual low earlier and earlier in the day. When I'm not low or sad/angry whatever, I'm 'content', I'm not really okay with everything but it's not like it's bad, idk. Most of the time I usually felt the low half way through or later during the day/night, but now it can be from once I'm fully awake to fully asleep later that night. So literally all day.
And I can see this post is becoming less and less organized, but this is so hard to explain. While I have all these things going on, sometimes I feel 'okay'. Before I wrote this I thought I was more 'okay' than sad most of the time, but now I don't even know and this post has completely lost idk structure, grammar, it's point.
I'M GETTING FRUSTRATED THIS IS SO HARD TO EXPLAIN.
One last point, while I do not think about killing myself, and I don't consider suicidal thoughts, I am considering considering suicidal thoughts, and while that may sound stupid, it's closer to premeditated suicide thoughts than I've ever been. Like, I feel like I could open a door and let them in but they wouldn't actually exist until I opened that door and I wouldn't actually open that door willingly.. idk im sorry this is so hardergthowe3.
idek
What do you think? What should I do?