Confronting friend very soon, need advice

[canadaski]

So, my friend and I have done lots but it seems like I put all of the effort into the friendship. He would never ask me to do anything or call me. I stopped calling him at the end of July and he hasn't really called me since, although things have happened and we have done some things, mostly only when we "happen" to be together. There is more back story here(Link (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=150774)).

He often asks me "hey, do you want to do something together this weekend?" and the weekend goes by without receiving a call and we don't hang out. I called his name on tuesday when I saw him walking to his car for work and he seemed angry.

Anyway, I've finally had enough after it happened again this weekend. I sent him a message telling him I wanted to show him something cool before class tomorrow(I really just want to talk about this though)
What can I say to him? How can I start the conversation? How do I get my point across without sounding like I don't want to be his friend anymore?

[Sleepy Raisin]

I would say something like "Im worried about our friendship, can we talk about.."
As for starting this awkward topic i usually take advantages of periods of silences or i guess it depends on where the conversation if it leads to friends you say "Speaking of friends...",
regarding the silences you say "Hey, listen.." Or "I really need to ask you.."

As for getting your point across without sounding like a jerk or wanting to end the friendship then you should be calm, no yelling. Make sure you make a reasonable amount of eye contact with him, touch him on the shoulder reassuringly and always use good words (i.e. dont use jerk, ass[and for that matter no asshole], selfish, etc.) if he says anything at the end of the conversation like:"Well, maybe we shouldn't be friends" say thats not what you want or implied.. Or ask him if thats what he wants, is for the relationship to be over.. If it is then theres not much left you can do..
Good luck! Hope it works out!

[FreeFall]

I remember this, seems things have gotten worse. Here's the question you really need:

What are you hoping to get out of this?

Why're you subjecting yourself to this? You've clearly asked him to hang out, he's blown you off. he's said to you that you'll hang out, he's blown it off. In his life you're like not even on the back burner, he's just shoved you off to the counter top or something.

Drop the rope. Wash your hands, don't do anything. Just completely be done, treat him as he's treating you. Maybe he'll come around and realize "hey I've been a craptastic friend" or the friendship will finish dissolving.

If you're really intent on speaking to him though, just flat out say he's being a crappy friend. Don't beat around the bush, don't sugar coat it, he doesn't have the decency to be courteous and respectful to you, then you bring out the big guns and speak it as it feels.

[Allbutanillusion]

I have read this thread, however I have not read the other responds comment so I apologize if it is seems redundant. Also, this may not be as well written as some of my other comments that I have posted with in Virtual Teen so please bear with me. After reading this I am annoyed/pissed/disappointed and I will tell you why.....all through my life I have had a very difficult time making friends. So when I see/hear or in this case read about someone throwing away a friendship like yesterday's used newspaper, or old worn out underwear , I can't understand why.

I guess most of us put more value on our pets (for example) than our friendships with other people. I mean, by your way of thinking, canadaski, generally pets don't really put a lot of effort into having/developing a "relationship" with us. How our pet's view us is dependent upon how well we treat them. The pet owner has to be willing to put the majority of the effort to develop that special bond with the animal. And , even if the animal/pet doesn't put in the equal amount of effort as we are, do we toss it out to do we still love it? I think for the most of the pet owners here, the answer is that we still love it. Big deal if you have to put in a little more effort into the friendship than your friend. I actually think that it is a little narcissistic to be complaining about it.

Appreciate your friends. Good friends are a priceless gift. Never overlook the value of a good friendship because often it is extremely difficult to replace an existing friendship with a new one. Sometimes our friends are very different from us – and that is fine. Just because someone is different from you, or behaves differently than you doesn’t mean they cannot be a good friend.

Sometimes when my friends do really stupid things, my girlfriend asks me, “Why are you still friends with that guy?” or “Why don’t you stop talking to him?” My answer is always the same, (as corny, cheesy as it may sound) – “He’s my friend, and I love him.” I can without question say that I would do absolutely anything for my friends (except commit a crime).


He often asks me "hey, do you want to do something together this weekend?" and the weekend goes by without receiving a call and we don't hang out. I called his name on tuesday when I saw him walking to his car for work and he seemed angry.


This sentence make me think that you are far to quick to pass judgement on him and punish him . Big deal he didn't call, I know I have had friend's like that, maybe expecting the other one to call , when in reality it doesn't really matter who makes the initial phone call to confirm if we still have plans , if I want be with my friend, I have no problem picking up the phone first. Also, as for not responding to you when called his name, could it be possible that he was just caught up in his thoughts. I know that I have people call my name out in certain circumstances(ex. walking through the parking lot) and have totally ignored them because I was thinking about something(ex. a close relatives death, a up coming party, etc). I just think that you are being unreasonable, he may really not be intentionally blown you off as a friend, but just wants a little more personal time. People can and do diminish the time they spent together and yet still be friends, you do realize that , don't you?


Good friendships are a priceless gift that should never be discarded.

[crowdlost]

I have read this thread, however I have not read the other responds comment so I apologize if it is seems redundant. Also, this may not be as well written as some of my other comments that I have posted with in Virtual Teen so please bear with me. After reading this I am annoyed/pissed/disappointed and I will tell you why.....all through my life I have had a very difficult time making friends. So when I see/hear or in this case read about someone throwing away a friendship like yesterday's used newspaper, or old worn out underwear , I can't understand why.

I guess most of us put more value on our pets (for example) than our friendships with other people. I mean, by your way of thinking, canadaski, generally pets don't really put a lot of effort into having/develop a "relationship" with us. How our pet's view us is dependent upon how well we treat them. The pet owner has to be willing to put the majority of the effort to develop that special bond with the animal. And , even if the animal/pet doesn't put in the equal amount of effort as we are, do we toss it out to do we still love it? I think for the most of the per owners here, the answer is that we still love it. Big deal if you have to put in a little more effort into the friendship than your friend. I actually think that it is a little narcissistic to be complaining about it.

Appreciate your friends. Good friends are a priceless gift. Never overlook the value of a good friendship because often it is extremely difficult to replace an existing friendship with a new one. Sometimes our friends are very different from us – and that is fine. Just because someone is different from you, or behaves differently than you doesn’t mean they cannot be a good friend.

Sometimes when my friends do really stupid things, my girlfriend asks me, “Why are you still friends with that guy?” or “Why don’t you stop talking to him?” My answer is always the same, as corny, cheesy as t may sound – “He’s my friend, and I love him.” I can without question say that I would do absolutely anything for my friends (except maybe commit a crime).



This sentence make me think that you are far to quick to pass judgement on him and punish him . Big deal he didn't call, I know I have had friend's like that, maybe expecting the other one to call , when in reality it doesn't really matter who makes the initial phone call to confirm if we still have plans , if I want be with my friend, I have no problem picking up the phone first. Also, as for not responding to you when called his name, could it be possible that he was just caught up in his thoughts. I know that I have people call my name out in certain circumstances(ex. walking through the parking lot) and have totally ignored them because I was thinking about something(ex. a close relatives death, a up coming party, etc). I just think that you are being unreasonable, he may really not be intentionally blown you off as a friend, but just wants a little more personal time. People can and do diminish the time they spent together and yet still be friends, you do realize that , don't you?


Good friendships are a priceless gift that should never be discarded.

Wow. Thank you for this. Honestly. Made me realize that my own issues with my best friend are idiotic.

[canadaski]

I have read this thread, however I have not read the other responds comment so I apologize if it is seems redundant. Also, this may not be as well written as some of my other comments that I have posted with in Virtual Teen so please bear with me. After reading this I am annoyed/pissed/disappointed and I will tell you why.....all through my life I have had a very difficult time making friends. So when I see/hear or in this case read about someone throwing away a friendship like yesterday's used newspaper, or old worn out underwear , I can't understand why.

I guess most of us put more value on our pets (for example) than our friendships with other people. I mean, by your way of thinking, canadaski, generally pets don't really put a lot of effort into having/develop a "relationship" with us. How our pet's view us is dependent upon how well we treat them. The pet owner has to be willing to put the majority of the effort to develop that special bond with the animal. And , even if the animal/pet doesn't put in the equal amount of effort as we are, do we toss it out to do we still love it? I think for the most of the per owners here, the answer is that we still love it. Big deal if you have to put in a little more effort into the friendship than your friend. I actually think that it is a little narcissistic to be complaining about it.

Appreciate your friends. Good friends are a priceless gift. Never overlook the value of a good friendship because often it is extremely difficult to replace an existing friendship with a new one. Sometimes our friends are very different from us – and that is fine. Just because someone is different from you, or behaves differently than you doesn’t mean they cannot be a good friend.

Sometimes when my friends do really stupid things, my girlfriend asks me, “Why are you still friends with that guy?” or “Why don’t you stop talking to him?” My answer is always the same, as corny, cheesy as t may sound – “He’s my friend, and I love him.” I can without question say that I would do absolutely anything for my friends (except maybe commit a crime).



This sentence make me think that you are far to quick to pass judgement on him and punish him . Big deal he didn't call, I know I have had friend's like that, maybe expecting the other one to call , when in reality it doesn't really matter who makes the initial phone call to confirm if we still have plans , if I want be with my friend, I have no problem picking up the phone first. Also, as for not responding to you when called his name, could it be possible that he was just caught up in his thoughts. I know that I have people call my name out in certain circumstances(ex. walking through the parking lot) and have totally ignored them because I was thinking about something(ex. a close relatives death, a up coming party, etc). I just think that you are being unreasonable, he may really not be intentionally blown you off as a friend, but just wants a little more personal time. People can and do diminish the time they spent together and yet still be friends, you do realize that , don't you?


Good friendships are a priceless gift that should never be discarded.

Thanks for the input, although a lot of what you're saying doesn't answer my question. I'm looking for advice to talk (shouldn't have used confront) with my friend to see what's going on. Why can't you comprehend the emotional toll of caring about someone when they act as if they don't give a shit if they ever see you again?

In response to your quote, I accidentally left out a few sentences about what happened after. It's at the point where I can predict when he won't follow through with what he says; every time.

Trust me when I say this. If anyone knows a hard time making friends, it's me. Right now, he happens to be my only friend (best friend too if you like). If you think I'm going to accept the situation, sit back and watch my only real friendship crumble to the ground, you're incredibly deranged.

I don't call just any acquaintance a friend. It takes months of getting to know someone and trust building to call them a true friend in my mind.

Someone who doesn't show interest in being with somebody can't be called a friend. Please don't live with the illusion that they can, you'd only set yourself up for pain as I have several times in the past. When I have a friend, I want them to be my friend.

Dropping him isn't an option because no matter how poorly he's treated me as a friend(it goes beyond what I've listed), I really care about him and enjoy being around him. If he doesn't care about me, I want him to at least care that I care about him. He's the only real friend I've had in around 4 years. Don't you point your finger and try to tell me I don't value my friends enough. I would do anything for a good friend and I want them to know that.

[FreeFall]

That's all fine and dandy what the two of you are saying but, I see no friendship.

What I see is one boy chasing after the heels of someone that can't be bothered with them. Someone jumping at the chance to do anything and beyond for a person that'd rather pick their nose. I bet you if he tells you to jump, you'll start hopping.

What sort of good friendship is that? What sort of "friendship" is that at all?

What value does he add into your life? And don't say "oh I like him and when he's happy then we're happy". Just like any relationship there has to be more to it than just that. Couples cannot survive on love alone, friends cannot survive on a mere one or two laughs. You can't have one happy day and be set for the year without stress, worry or being upset ever again.

Relationships in general of any kind take work. But when you're the only one working at it, what is there? A one way street and you're the only person kicking the can around for some smiles.

So how'd your talk go?

[Allbutanillusion]

Thanks for the input, although a lot of what you're saying doesn't answer my question. I'm looking for advice to talk (shouldn't have used confront) with my friend to see what's going on. Why can't you comprehend the emotional toll of caring about someone when they act as if they don't give a shit if they ever see you again?


I would like to address all of your questions/comments of because of time constraints right now, I will address first part of this comment. You say you are looking for advice, does that mean how to approach it, how to start the conversation? If it does . when the opportunity arises I would approach him and say "I think you owe me an explanation as to why you are avoiding me" . something like that or similar.

Yet I have to caution you, you have to be prepared to hear something that you do not want to hear. I say that because I can only image the pain caused by being rejected by someone who you thought was your friend. I say this because I have witnessed it . I have seen one kid ( kid A) essentially want to beat the crap out of another kid( kid B), when kid B informed kid A that "they were never friends". Dispite what kid A thought. Prior to than both kids were pretty composed ever though they were disagreeing.

My point being, as I said , I can image the "emotional pain" it can cause for some. So you might want to be prepared for that.

I would like to comment on some of the other things you said, but do not have time right now. I want you to hear me out, or like you too before you act.

Lastly, I wanted to say something which is so much to you as it is to other posters. Yes, I realize that not all friendships can be "saved" nor need to be. However I think that it may be foolish to take the cynical / pessimistic approach at the first chance you get, just because the friendship is experiencing a little rough period. Yes friends can be, and do stupid thins at times, to the point where you feel like slowly strangling them, but you should never give up or dismiss a friendship when there is potential for improvement in that friendship.

[Allbutanillusion]

For whatever it is worth...,I know that I stated that I was going to comment on some other aspects of your posts, and I am the type of person that typically when I say that I am going to do something I do it. However in this case I think that I was a little hasty to offer advice...., I am not saying that I am incorrect in anything that I said, I am just not so sure that all of it applies to your situation as I first thought. Particularly after reading you back-story, which I will admit I made the mistake of not reading it in the first place.


One thing that that you stated, which may be an indication of what is occurring in the friendship is ..T
Could he have found out I'm in love with him and not want anything to do with me? I do things to him like compliment his looks, and hug him and rest my head on his shoulder while sitting beside him on the couch and he doesn't show any signs of discomfort.


Perhaps, he deduced that it was something more that a typical friendship and is now trying is dissolve the supposed friendship. Perhaps you were to needy or aggressive, I really don't know.

If you have not already done so, I still think that you should corner him, and when I say corner I mean in a situation where he can't just simply walk away from you. ( if that could be a issue.) Like I suggested before, tell him that you think that he owes you an explanation to as why he is avoiding you.

I think more importantly, whatever the outcome you should.., first of all be prepared to hear something that you do not want to hear and secondly, accept it . It is what it is, move on rather than letting the situation torment you, some "friendships " simply weren't meant to be.

I actually agree a little more with FreeFall now than I initially did, after reading your back-story. So take what you will from my suggestions, but again, I think maybe you should just accept that he no longer wants to be friend with you.

[canadaski]

I haven't really had the chance to talk to him properly and every time I did I backed out.

I did however send him an email (pathetic, I know) on monday, pretty much telling him not to get upset. I wrote what I thought and what bugged me, not feeling like he wants to be my friend and I've made 80% of the effort in the friendship.

At the end, I told him hes a great guy with lots of good qualities. I wrote that I enjoy his company and want to be his friend, but not sure there's any point if he doesn't enjoy being around me. I also let him know I want to talk to him in person but only if he's up for it.

We haven't talked since monday except for a text I sent he responded to on tuesday. I don't even know if he's seen the email and if he has, I don't know if he read it through to the end.

I know how rare it is to have a friend that truly cares about me versus a hang out friend. Most people probably have a few in their entire lifetime. I want to know why he's so ready to give up somebody that truly cares about him.

I want to talk to him about it, but I barely ever see him. How can I go into it? Just phone him up and say "I want to talk to you?"

[FreeFall]

Just call him.

Stop your games of cat and mouse and wondering and just phone him.
You've tried speaking to him, you've texted, you've sent e-mail.
One more form of communication on the pile won't hurt anything.

You may never get the closure you seek, this guy is very aware your miss him and what was, he doesn't seem to care too much.

Just call him up.

[Skyhawk]

Just say what you have to say. Honestly, who cares what he thinks? If he isn't what you want as a friend then maybe you shouldn't be friends with him.

There is no reason to sugarcoat it and make it all delightful and dandy.

[canadaski]

He saw the email yesterday and he phoned me to talk. He apologized and said he feels horrible about everything but that me mentioning it has opened his eyes and has reflected on the past as well. He returned the comment about me thinking he's a great person. He feels that the friendship has run it's course but he doesn't want us to stop talking completely or be angry at each other.

I was able to tell him, essentially that I love him and care deeply for him. He supported it and apparently knew for a while but accepted it as part of me. He said he never once felt uncomfortable about it and it has nothing to do with the friendship falling apart. He told me he doesn't feel the same way and I accepted that as well as thanking me for trusting him enough to tell him.

He also said it's nothing in particular about me, but sometimes he tends to enjoy his own company more than others.

I really want to talk to him about why he feels that way, because I used to be like that. The thing that changed me was realizing that the only thing that truly matters in life are people and relationships.

Is it worth letting him know that my friendship will always available if he wants it? What's the next step now that I have nobody?