Constructive Criticism Thread

[Electra Heart]

Disclaimer: The purpose of this thread is NOT to encourage bashing/trolling/or fighting between members.
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An important part of any writer's process. Is revising it through editing. Often done by peers, this can hold a number of unfortunate biases. It is often better done by not total strangers, but people who will critique your work without hesitation if they see room for error.

In addition, if someone gives negative feedback (which is obviously expected in moderation), don't go changing that immediately until you consider whether it is of their personal preference, or one of true concern to the reader.
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Steps to take:

1) Submit your work. This can be in the form of a poem, short story, novella, chapter, whatever! Also, don't be afraid to put yourself out there! Remember, negative feedback is encouraged, it helps you become a better writer.

2) Wait for feedback. Quotes of your post containing your work can now be brought to your attention via notification.

3) Revise, revise, revise. Apply people's feedback to you
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Rules:

-When responding to a member's entry please directly quote the post so they can easily receive a notification of it as well as prevent confusion between works.
-Do NOT criticise someone else's work in a malicious manner, or because you do not like the person.
-Be honest. If it's a work by a friend, or someone you don't get along with very well, it's best for everyone if they receive the proper feedback they need to make their works better.
-Please do not reply to other's replies to a piece of writing, it only causes more confusion and this entire thread is made to be beneficial to the writer.
-If the writer has any feedback to the person that contacted them, please do so over visitor or private (preferred) message. Again, to try to limit confusion.
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Formatting:

Title of Piece (If desired)
Date (Optional, this just makes it look better in the quote)

<insert piece here>
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Example:

The Magic Unicorn
Oct. 8, 2012

There was once a magic unicorn. He ate a baby. The end.
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Any further questions? Don't be afraid to shoot me an email, VM, or PM.

Thanks.

[Bath]

Here's a poem I've had laying in dust for a long time, so have fun with it. :)

Pretty Girl

All these pills and all this pain, corrupted youth and sinful shame
Cry and sip the whiskey more, burn in hell, you rotten whore
Long blonde hair and aimless eyes, skinny dip with the attractive guys
Red lipstick, lots of smoke, she smiles and laughs, she screams and chokes
She parties to create a blur, she knows she's wrong, she knows for sure
Judged and broken, words are lost, the rooms spins and her head is tossed
Living life prepared to die, no fucks are given drunk and high
Misunderstood and her heart aches, I see beauty in her mistakes
Pretty girl who screwed up bad, now she's hopeless, yes it's sad
But life goes on and she'll make it through, giving up is easy to do
But she's strong as hell and beautiful as fuck, she's not a bitch or a slut
She's full of love when she speaks, her secrets are just hard to keep
She'll survive, I promise you, you will also live and lie too.

[Syvelocin]

Really all I could see was just metre problems that weren't very consistent. Starts about a little after half-way and when I was reading it, my metre didn't adjust quickly enough. I know when you're working with rhymes it'll screw those things up a bit, but if there's no way to change the rhyme or make the metre work with the rhyme, rhyming really isn't all that important. You can still write the poem without rhyming it, but metre is a huge part of poetry.

The first half or so works beautifully though.

[Mortal Coil]

Starts about a little after half-way and when I was reading it, my metre didn't adjust quickly enough.

Yeah, this is the main thing. Also, I personally think you're overusing commas a little bit. I understand you need them so that you can structure the sentences with the rhyming word at the end but if there's any way you can cut back on the comma usage it would be even better. :D

Seriously though, this is really good.

[Bath]

Really all I could see was just metre problems that weren't very consistent. Starts about a little after half-way and when I was reading it, my metre didn't adjust quickly enough. I know when you're working with rhymes it'll screw those things up a bit, but if there's no way to change the rhyme or make the metre work with the rhyme, rhyming really isn't all that important. You can still write the poem without rhyming it, but metre is a huge part of poetry.

The first half or so works beautifully though.

Yeah, this is the main thing. Also, I personally think you're overusing commas a little bit. I understand you need them so that you can structure the sentences with the rhyming word at the end but if there's any way you can cut back on the comma usage it would be even better. :D

Seriously though, this is really good.

I gave it a little better look/organization, and replaced some words that didn't feel right (also to make it flow better.) And thank you! :)

~Revised Version~

Countless pills and all this pain
Corrupted youth, sinful shame
Cry and sip the whiskey more
Burn in hell, you rotten whore

Long blonde hair and aimless eyes
Skinny dip with the attractive guys
Red lipstick, lots of smoke
She smiles, laughs, screams, chokes

She parties to create a blur
She knows she's wrong, she knows for sure
Judged and broken while words are lost
The rooms spins, her head is tossed

Living life prepared to die
No fucks are given drunk and high
Misunderstood so her heart aches,
But I see beauty in her mistakes

Pretty girl who screwed up bad
Now she's hopeless, yes it's sad
But life goes on, she'll make it through
Giving up is so easy to do

She's strong as hell, beautiful as before
She's not a bitch or a whore
She's full of love when she speaks
Her secrets are just hard to keep

She'll survive, I promise you.
You will learn to live and lie too.

[Electra Heart]

salt tears mixed with
plasmic scarlet
of
effervescent discontent
and to the wandering
eyes they show
mistakes and
promises never kept
the sweet pain of the
fire of the
cleaned steel
makes you cringe in
ecstasy, meeting your
maker
precipitation of
life rolls down your
legs
cascading into the
rush of
water into the
drain
down it flows with your
sorrows
you feel fine for now but what about
time next
or following, you just don't
know but
you are just too
sad to
care