This is bullfish.

[Fractured Silhouette]

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. ...Because screw intros.

I'm just going to post this and whine to you people because I can't whine to anyone else. So basically today I feel terrible, for reasons beyond comprehension.

I was going to write how my day was shit, but fuck it, I can't be arsed. Basically, I lost my headphones, was plagued with fear for most of the day, and I cut open my arms and neck because I don't fucking know. I just don't, I felt so tense, so much ...blegh at once that I couldn't help myself. I wanted to keep going, but I realized I hadn't stockepiled any tissues, so I let myself bleed everywhere and in the end looked like I had just finished murdering someone.

So, what's the problem you may ask? I want to slit my wrists open and bleed out all over my bedroom floor to do the world a favour. I don't want to live like this. I'm just burdening other people, lying to my therapist, wasting money. Speaking of that, she wants me to call and arrange my own appointment to 'help me recover' as part of a 'exposure plan', and I can't, I just cannot do it. There doesn't feel like there is any hope left. I'm lying to my therapist because I know that my family begrudges me being mentally ill and because I'm scared of how they might react.

So basically, here's what I need advice on in-case you couldn't decode it through my incessant bullfish.

-I want to stop lying to my therapist.
-I want to gain enough courage to arrange the appointment myself with smoking weed or drinking alcohol to do it.
-I want to stop feeling like a useless lazy prick and killing myself.

If you posted, than thankyou in advance.

[West Coast Sheriff]

Sorry to hear all that. Just know we're all here for you. :hug:

[Haunted]

You seem l like a nice person. Don't go to smoking or drinking. It can be just as bad as cutting. It's another horrible addiction that destroys your body. I know is seems weird but the best way to feel useful is to help other people. Do service for someone or help someone out with something. Find a hobby too. If you're artistic, let your artwork show your emotions. If you're musical, may I recommend David Lanz? If your athletic find a sport you're good at. Just find something you can love about yourself.

[Fractured Silhouette]

First thing you asked was that you wanted to stop lying to your therapist. Why do you do that?


I lie because I'm scared, of both what she might think and what she might do. I just tell her what I think she wants to hear, rather than answer the question truthfully.

You seem like a nice person. Don't go to smoking or drinking. It can be just as bad as cutting. It's another horrible addiction that destroys your body. I know is seems weird but the best way to feel useful is to help other people. Do service for someone or help someone out with something. Find a hobby too. If you're artistic, let your artwork show your emotions. If you're musical, may I recommend David Lanz? If your athletic find a sport you're good at. Just find something you can love about yourself.

Yes, but how do you know the person wants your help? I am usually too scared to help them in-case they don't want help, especially if I don't know them. I help my friends and my family when I can with schoolwork and cleaning the house.

I have a hobby, it's lame, but I can honestly say I don't think I would have gone on without it. It's not a hobby I take any pride in however. I do like music, but not the kind you're suggesting. But thanks anyway.

Thanks for the replies guys.

[Haunted]

Yes, but how do you know the person wants your help? I am usually too scared to help them in-case they don't want help, especially if I don't know them. I help my friends and my family when I can with schoolwork and cleaning the house.

I have a hobby, it's lame, but I can honestly say I don't think I would have gone on without it. It's not a hobby I take any pride in however. I do like music, but not the kind you're suggesting. But thanks anyway.

Thanks for the replies guys.

The type of help I'm talking about is helping your neighbor with yard work, helping someone with groceries at the store. If you know of someone who could benefit from assistance, just ask "Hey do you need any help with that?" or something.

[Fractured Silhouette]

Give your therepist a chance to help you, they arn't going to do anything major without talking to you first, it's not like they are going to lock you up in a nut house (they are called psych wards, and they are much nicer than u think), and if you are in a really low place, and are suicidal alot, what have you got to loose? Give it a chance

Alice

While I appriciate your insight, to be honest, it's not being thrown into a psych ward that scares me or anything like that. It's my family, they blame me for having a mental illness already, they think I became like this because I 'spend too much of my time staring a screens' and I 'don't go out enough'. So is it wrong of me to assume that if they ever find out of something like this it'll be my fault again, for not doing things right?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense.

The type of help I'm talking about is helping your neighbor with yard work, helping someone with groceries at the store. If you know of someone who could benefit from assistance, just ask "Hey do you need any help with that?" or something.

I don't live in a street were I know everyone. I hardly know my neighbours, my parents are friends with them, but I'm not comfortable around them at all. It's not as easy as walking up to some and asking them if they need help, believe me, if I could do that, I would have a job by now and would actually feel useful for once.

Just incase you're still unsure what I mean when I say I can't talk to people, it's because I have 'Social Anxiety', meaning I'm too scared.

[Haunted]

and actually feel useful for once.

You are useful. People don't just get born. You mean something to someone.

Who pays for your therapy? And you should answer her questions honestly. She is a therapist because she wants to help people. She is your therapist because she wants to help you.

[Mirage]

Bullfish is epic.

Aside from that, everything will turn out okay. I'm not going to say everything will get better overnight but you will emerge from the tunnel feeling better than you ever have. And when you do? You'll know. I'm always here to talk, shoot me a PM if you want.

[LitBlackRose]

Bullfish..hmm cool

Well to the point ok well then it simple live your life the way you want to don't live it in regret . Ive gone through this to . Yeah I'm young dam who cares I've cried and bleed more then the ancent people in this socity. Yeah you may not even read this but who cares.

What I wanna say is alright life may be an ass sometimes but just brush it off . Ignore the idiots of the world . Live life the way that you wanna live it . Put your life back together , I did it i won agianst cutting , I still have the mental and physical scars yes but I don't let them stop me from living . Just live how you want to and don't let anyone tell you other wise. Well good luck dude . By the way it not bullfish its bullfrog