Brighter.Tomorrow
September 30th, 2012, 06:28 PM
My first experience with depression came around the age of 11. As I began to go through puberty and come to realization of my bisexuality, I felt separated, different, and disliked. It started downhill from there.
I began talking to my family and friends less, and I began to hate myself. I've grown up in a redneck area, that says different is bad. And different is exactly what I was.
In this post, I'll be telling you things, that can be triggers. Some of them people here know about me, other things I haven't told anyone.
At 13 I took a razorblade to my leg. I was relieved and comforted by the calming sensation I got by cutting myself to the point of bleeding. Same year I came out to my mother that I was bisexual, I got yelled at and told that I was a liar. I made friends with someone who was a family member, Tosha. She understood how I felt and I felt comforted.
My cutting got very bad, I was cutting my wrists atleast once a day and had to constantly wear long sleeves.
At 14 the long sleeves posed a problem. I run a body temp of 100.6f, I had been biking in 98degree weather and had a heat stroke. Luckily a neighbor had seen and called the paramedics. The hospital notified my mom of the cuts they found on my wrists and when I got home I was grounded for a month for 'being stupid.' I hated myself even more, that night I wrote the words Hate on my leg with my trusty razor.
Later I made a friend, two actually. Tiffany and Jeremy. They became my life, I would see them nearly every day, and my attraction to Jeremy grew. Tiffany convinced me to tell the person I like that I like them, not knowing it was her own brother.
When I told him, he was angry, very, he told me I was disgusting and that he wanted nothing to do with me. Tiffany told me she was sorry, and that she had no idea it would happen like it had. I went home to find out my mother had removed everything long sleeved I owned from my dresser, besides what I was wearing. But truly didn't care though, I took the razor and made the deepest I had ever. To this day I still hold that scar.
At 15 I decided I was going to reach perfection. Wear nicer clothes, workout, and use makeup to hide acne. I was making more friends and becoming more outgoing. Sadly, I was still cutting.
I made a good friend named Gabby, she introduced me to her siblings, one of them being a 5year old, Gianni.
Gabby, Gianni and I would spend most days together, Gianni adored me as m\his family was abusive to him.
One day when I was babysitting Gianni, he noticed all the cuts on my wrist, i told him that I was clumsy and stupid. He laughed, kissed my wrist and said 'kisses make all the pain go way.' After that he made me promise to be more careful from then on.
I stopped cutting, but I got hooked on Cocaine, Partying and Alcohol.
I was sneaking out nearly every night and almost always waking with a hangover.
This continued over the age of 16, so lets jump to 17.
At 17(my current age) I put all of it behind me with much difficulty.
I still felt different, but I got used to it, I realized the partying, drugs, and alcohol didn't make me friends. Almost all of them wanted nothing to do with me unless I was at a party. I selected my friends carefully, and began rebuilding things with my mom.
Life isn't easy, and my insecurities from the past still spring up in my mind, but life is better now. I still have hard times, and am still tempted by the blade, but i know I don't need it. Ive learned that you can't focus so much on the negative, that there is and always will be something positive, you just have to hold tightly to that while you chase your dreams.
Through crying, cutting, snorting and arguments, I've become stronger. I know I'll never be in that state again, because I know I don't need any of it.
Each one of us are different, some more than others, but we're never better or worse than anyone else. We all fight internal battles, battles that we have to make it through.
Nowadays, I wear my scars on my wrists with pride, I made it through those battles, and know I have a better way to make it through.
My past has made me who I am, but it's made me appreciate all the good there is in life. I know there's always going to be someone in my life who doesn't like me, I'm always going to be different, and there will always be hard times. But the future is promising, and I have good memories to hold on to, and the promise of making new ones.
To anyone who is going through a hard time, I wish you luck. It can take a lot to get through, but I know each and everyone of you can do it. Life is beautiful, if you know where to look. Don't give up hope, and don't stop looking. There is always someone who loves you, and there'll always be someone to help you.
I began talking to my family and friends less, and I began to hate myself. I've grown up in a redneck area, that says different is bad. And different is exactly what I was.
In this post, I'll be telling you things, that can be triggers. Some of them people here know about me, other things I haven't told anyone.
At 13 I took a razorblade to my leg. I was relieved and comforted by the calming sensation I got by cutting myself to the point of bleeding. Same year I came out to my mother that I was bisexual, I got yelled at and told that I was a liar. I made friends with someone who was a family member, Tosha. She understood how I felt and I felt comforted.
My cutting got very bad, I was cutting my wrists atleast once a day and had to constantly wear long sleeves.
At 14 the long sleeves posed a problem. I run a body temp of 100.6f, I had been biking in 98degree weather and had a heat stroke. Luckily a neighbor had seen and called the paramedics. The hospital notified my mom of the cuts they found on my wrists and when I got home I was grounded for a month for 'being stupid.' I hated myself even more, that night I wrote the words Hate on my leg with my trusty razor.
Later I made a friend, two actually. Tiffany and Jeremy. They became my life, I would see them nearly every day, and my attraction to Jeremy grew. Tiffany convinced me to tell the person I like that I like them, not knowing it was her own brother.
When I told him, he was angry, very, he told me I was disgusting and that he wanted nothing to do with me. Tiffany told me she was sorry, and that she had no idea it would happen like it had. I went home to find out my mother had removed everything long sleeved I owned from my dresser, besides what I was wearing. But truly didn't care though, I took the razor and made the deepest I had ever. To this day I still hold that scar.
At 15 I decided I was going to reach perfection. Wear nicer clothes, workout, and use makeup to hide acne. I was making more friends and becoming more outgoing. Sadly, I was still cutting.
I made a good friend named Gabby, she introduced me to her siblings, one of them being a 5year old, Gianni.
Gabby, Gianni and I would spend most days together, Gianni adored me as m\his family was abusive to him.
One day when I was babysitting Gianni, he noticed all the cuts on my wrist, i told him that I was clumsy and stupid. He laughed, kissed my wrist and said 'kisses make all the pain go way.' After that he made me promise to be more careful from then on.
I stopped cutting, but I got hooked on Cocaine, Partying and Alcohol.
I was sneaking out nearly every night and almost always waking with a hangover.
This continued over the age of 16, so lets jump to 17.
At 17(my current age) I put all of it behind me with much difficulty.
I still felt different, but I got used to it, I realized the partying, drugs, and alcohol didn't make me friends. Almost all of them wanted nothing to do with me unless I was at a party. I selected my friends carefully, and began rebuilding things with my mom.
Life isn't easy, and my insecurities from the past still spring up in my mind, but life is better now. I still have hard times, and am still tempted by the blade, but i know I don't need it. Ive learned that you can't focus so much on the negative, that there is and always will be something positive, you just have to hold tightly to that while you chase your dreams.
Through crying, cutting, snorting and arguments, I've become stronger. I know I'll never be in that state again, because I know I don't need any of it.
Each one of us are different, some more than others, but we're never better or worse than anyone else. We all fight internal battles, battles that we have to make it through.
Nowadays, I wear my scars on my wrists with pride, I made it through those battles, and know I have a better way to make it through.
My past has made me who I am, but it's made me appreciate all the good there is in life. I know there's always going to be someone in my life who doesn't like me, I'm always going to be different, and there will always be hard times. But the future is promising, and I have good memories to hold on to, and the promise of making new ones.
To anyone who is going through a hard time, I wish you luck. It can take a lot to get through, but I know each and everyone of you can do it. Life is beautiful, if you know where to look. Don't give up hope, and don't stop looking. There is always someone who loves you, and there'll always be someone to help you.