A sample from my book.

[Heavyrain4life]

**** As a warning, this is my old BS copy of the book. Its garbage, and has been scrapped. The new writing of my book can be found below****
As promised! Here's an excerpt from the first part of my story (haven't thought of a name yet). But, a little background info first. The story will be written in a first person narrative in a journal based format (subject to change), and it is a fiction (some slight sci-fi elements, a little horror, but mostly survival). In the next 3-5 years, American scientists have made prototype versions of nanomachines used to augment human beings physical capabilities as well as efficiency. Our story follows Justin (AKA Me) through his journey as the first person to have been injected with the nanomachines (hereon referred to as N+). After a few months, the American government had distributed the N+ virus to the rest of the world. It was an opt-out thing, so you weren't required to take it, but an estimated 95% of the worlds population had taken it. Within days, reports of death due to genetic rejection were reported. After two months, 60% of the human population was dead. Of the other 40%, 39% began showing signs of aggression and decreased intelligence. Only one percent of the remaining people given N+ were given augmented abilities, including 700% strength, speeds of around 35 mph (around 65 km per hour), cellular regeneration, fast reflexes, and a far more efficient energy usage. Thats it for the intro! Also, please remember that this is a rough draft, and its nowhere near complete. Any positive comments or actual feedback would be greatly appreciated. Anybody that's going to leave a negative, nonconstructive comment, please don't. And so we go.

(Warning. This novel does contain graphic language and actions, both implied and acted. If you have problems with that, then don't read.)

June 6th. 2015. 8:37pm (20:37) Location: 60 miles from Grey City.

Today, I rescued a girl, maybe 7 or 8. I was taking a bath in the river when I heard noises coming from a patch of bushes to my left. Quickly pulling on my clothes, I grabbed my pistol and moved towards the bushes quietly. As I got close, I could hear muffled cries, and quiet cursing. I jumped over the bushes and saw a man, about 50 or so, forcibly restraining a little girl. I immediately hit him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. I then went to check on the little girl, noticing her trembling in the bushes. I reached out to her, telling her I wouldn't hurt her, that she was safe with me. She slowly moved towards me, and I took her back to my camp. I gave her some food and started a fire, then went to deal with the old man. I went back to where I left him, and found him dazed and struggling to sit up. I put my foot on his chest, keeping him on the ground. I asked him one question. What was he doing with the little girl? (The answer was obvious, but I may have been wrong.) His answer was to reach in his pocket. I reacted quickly, putting a bullet in his head. I checked his pocket and found a handgun. Beretta 92. Taking the gun and checking his other pockets, I found another clip for his gun. Nothing else of value. After washing my hands in the river, I went and checked on the little girl. I asked her a couple questions. Her name, where were her parents, things like that. She told me her name was Melisa, and she didn't want to talk about her parents. After a while, I decided to go to sleep. I walked to a spot about five feet away from Melisa. I laid down and went to sleep. After a few hours, I jerked awake, realizing Melisa had crawled into my arms, and she was shaking. I sighed on the inside, and pulled off my jacket wrapping it around her.



Aaaand, there you go. This is about 7-8 pages into my book (by my tiny handwriting), and not very good as you can tell. But I think it has potential if I put some time into it. Please leave comments, suggesting ideas. I am also looking for an illustrator, but I may have a lead on someone willing to draw for me. Thank you for reading.

[conniption]

This story has a lot of potential, but I felt like you were just listing what was happening: 'I did this, then I did that...'
Add a bit more detail so that readers can create a more vivid image of what's going. How did you feel? What did the little girl look like? How do you think she felt?
Ask yourself these questions as you write.
I love writing and it's great to see someone else on here that enjoys it too :]

[Heavyrain4life]

This story has a lot of potential, but I felt like you were just listing what was happening: 'I did this, then I did that...'
Add a bit more detail so that readers can create a more vivid image of what's going. How did you feel? What did the little girl look like? How do you think she felt?
Ask yourself these questions as you write.
I love writing and it's great to see someone else on here that enjoys it too :]

Absolutely. As I said, its just a rough draft. And this only resembles whats in my book. It would make a lot more sense if I had typed the whole thing. Not to mention I barely think as I write. I just let it flow out. But thanks for the feedback!

[conniption]

Where are you planning on putting it up? I know this great website where you would be able to put up your story and people would read it.

[Heavyrain4life]

Where are you planning on putting it up? I know this great website where you would be able to put up your story and people would read it.

Where am I putting it up? For sale hopefully. I need the money :(

[conniption]

Where am I putting it up? For sale hopefully. I need the money :(

Oh, you're trying to legitimately publish it and put it up for sale? I thought this was just a hobby lol
Do you want to self publish it or are you going to find a publishing company?

[Heavyrain4life]

Oh, you're trying to legitimately publish it and put it up for sale? I thought this was just a hobby lol
Do you want to self publish it or are you going to find a publishing company?

A publishing company. I don't have the resources to self publish.

[Jess]

It's good so far. :)

[Breakeven]

i like it so far :)

[Heavyrain4life]

I'm actually surprised that people like it, based on the lack of detail and description, as Miriam said.

[Mob Boss]

I agree, there is a lack of description, but for a start it's good. Basically, it's the foundation for your book, right? I mean, you're planning to enhance and tweak it, I'm sure. Anyways, it's very creative, and I think both, it and you, have great potential. :yes:

[Jimmy Page]

It's a good start,this is a little picky but I kinda feel like its a bit....obvious,but I couldn't have written anything better myself so I won't complain :)

[Heavyrain4life]

OK guys. I've been writing a lot recently, and I realized that ever since I got a girlfriend (check my page for the pictures), my writing has improved a lot since the beginning of the book, which means it will be heavily unbalanced. SO! I'm starting again, from scratch. This time, I'm working on detail, and I've also improved the story a lot, making it more realistic. I'll send you pretty much what I have below. Leave me tips and comments, I'll do my best to answer them.
For those who are unaware of the disaster that has unfolded around you, here's an explanation. My name is Justin Tyler, and I'm 15 years old. The year now is 2017, and I lived in Grey City, VA. In the early parts of 2012, the American government had developed implants that could slightly improve human abilities. Of course, with this discovery, the government decided to pour billions of dollars into the creation of efficient and readily available implants. In the years that followed, many important events occurred. Almost every country in the world was capable of finding a almost never ending source of energy in nuclear power. With heavy advances in the technological field, power plants could be run solely by computer with no human involvement, or error. Computers and phones had come a long way, with limitless internet available in every part of the world, run completely by an infallible computer, and batteries on most phones and computers could last weeks in energy saver mode. Within two years, the implants had been improved to be done by nanomachines, earning the implants the common nickname "N+". They were easy to produce, and they were very cheap to the general public. They had also been improved to help with disease and infection, as well as maintaining homeostasis in the body. Everybody who took it reported incredible strength and speed, as well as balance and improved reaction time. Because of the power that people now possessed, training was required to prevent dangerous accidents. It was given at the clinic, and would last for a full two hours. Due to the helpful nature of N+, the American government distributed it to other countries, as well as their own, with certain African countries refusing the help of America. The American government then began to distribute the N+ nanites (Which were now available in shots) to every clinic in the United states. It was available to all people, including children, as an optional procedure. It was cheap and hurt no more than an average flu shot. Every thing was going peachy for several years, until the deaths started. For some reason, about 60% of the worlds population was incapable of handling N+, and their brains just shut down, all of them at once. 4.8 billion people dead, all at once. 35% of the people lost all consciousness in their minds, becoming primitive murderous animals. For whatever reason, the N+ stopped working as well for them, but they were still stronger than most normal humans. I called them neites *Pronounced knee-ites* and they are the biggest threat to the survivors of this catastrophe. This, is my story.

I remember that day perfectly. May 15th, around 1:00 in the afternoon. I was a sophomore in Grey High School, and I was in economics class. Mr. Neggard was teaching his same old boring lesson, and I was nearly dozing in my corner of the classroom. Two girls were talking in their part of the class. I yawned and started stretching, and Mr. Neggard suddenly collapsed in the front of the class. I didn't know at the time that he had taken N+, so I jumped up to get the nurse, and I saw about seven or eight of the other kids collapsed over their desks. I heard screaming coming from the other classes, so I knew that it was schoolwide. I pushed the door open, and ran to the infirmary, bumping into other kids that were running away. I pulled out my cellphone and started to call 911, my only thought getting help. I couldn't get an answer though, so I kept running to the nurse. I opened the door, and saw her slumped over her desk. I stared in horror as another student pushed past me, and saw her. I could only watch in horrified interest as her body began to wither and decay in front of me. In seconds, she was nothing but dust...

Anyway. That was just a part of the first page. I added to it, and took some stuff out, but there's still a lot of work to be done. Give me some ideas to make it better, and keep out the hate comments. Thanks for all the future support guys.

[Syvelocin]

Before I decide to skip over this thread, are you looking for little pointers but mostly praise or are you serious enough to accept real critique? I just don't like to waste everyone's time/piss people off if we have completely different goals as writers.

[Heavyrain4life]

Before I decide to skip over this thread, are you looking for little pointers but mostly praise or are you serious enough to accept real critique? I just don't like to waste everyone's time/piss people off if we have completely different goals as writers.

I'm absolutely serious enough to take critique. What do you have to say? And remember, this is early development. Like, this was done in the first hour of school.

[darkwoon]

I'm absolutely serious enough to take critique. What do you have to say? And remember, this is early development. Like, this was done in the first hour of school.

Ok, so I understand you're ok with criticism, as long as it isn't blind hatred? Then I'll make comments.

What I mainly thought was...

It is overly descriptive. The hero is obviously writing a kind of journal. A daily log of events. And he's obviously writing for people in a not too distant future from himself. Yet he spends the first pages of his log to tell what everybody involved - himself, the future reader, his contemporary relatives - already know. And he does that in a very distant, encyclopedic way. It is verbous, it reveals a lot of the background "keys" way too fast, and sounds very artificially built.

The background is too straightforward. Man invents a new gizmo. Gizmos gives Man a nearly-divine power. Power kills Man. Survivors struggle. Monsters rampage around.

Sounds a bit cliché in the way I wrote it - but I also had that cliché feeling when reading your lines. It sounds like the summary of your average zombie plague movie. There is no real element of surprise here that would tell the reader: "wait. Even if the guy tells you the story, there's more to it."

Another cliché is the scene of the sudden death in the middle of the classroom, with the poor young guy running away passing his friends suddenly falling, doom casting its shadow all around him...

But wait... Why do they still need to go to school in such a high-tech world? And what's more, in a school that seems in no way different from ours? They don't even seem to react differently from the average people of our own time, despite their mental enhancements... You're crossing a classic rule here: once you created a setting, stick to it. Unless, like Douglas Adams, you break it on purpose for the humorous effect.

And there is an issue of duration and time compression. Five years is short - way too short to establish an near-utopia as the one described. Even with supranatural intelligence and strength. You simply cannot build a truck faster than the steel it is made of takes to cool down, so to speak.

Ok. What I think is that you have the basic setting and main character ideas, but you rushed writing without thinking about them. Describing events in a short, concise way like you did is ok if you're a journalist, but not if you're a novelist. You need to think about the mystery element. About the thrill element. About how us, readers, may feel when discovering the hero and the setting for the first time. Is there enough to make us wonder what's in the next page? Isn't there too much information thrown at us in a single shot? You need to go further than description, and give your writing a color, a taste, a mood.

How to do so? Everybody has its own way(s), and you'll have to find what works best for you; there is, unfortunately, no magic recipe!

I realize I'm overall quite negative - I'm aware of that. But I think it is better to be truthful and not hide my feelings: for me, that text needs serious reworking. Don't get discouraged anyway, and keep writing!

[Syvelocin]

-You don't necessarily have to worry about this yet; the process of writing really shouldn't be editing as you go, but writing your first draft, editing it, writing your second draft, editing it. You sound like you want to be a serious writer, so I would advise you to forget about a title or illustrator. You're jumping the gun. I've been guilty of this many times, book covers, acknowledgements, planning all this other stuff then a year later I'm bored of my story. I could have used all that planning for actual writing time. Maybe give it a quick working title so when you share it with people, they know this is the piece you are working on. As well, I can't stress it enough, outline your story. I used to hate doing that, thought it only had a place in essays. But it'll save you a load of time and maybe errors you'll make. If you outline first, you know exactly where your story is headed, so you can move from A to B in an interesting but straightforward way (a lot of people actually suggest writing the big climax first, working in reverse order. I don't do that, because often while I'm telling the story I'll think of new ideas, but it works for many people and logically it makes sense). It also saves you from inconsistencies.

A very easy outline format is first coming up with your problem. What's the main problem? It's vital to get this correct. For instance, my NaNoWriMo novel has all three types of conflicts, but really it's the character vs. self problem that the book is about. So you start with that basic conflict sentence. You'll continually expand it. Then how do you solve that? A common story set up is the three-act structure, so you can come up with the main plot points between those two. Each act point will further the plot until eventually you get to the resolution. Then you can later plan what is between the acts. The more detail, the better.

-No matter how many books you've read with boring first pages, always start in some action. Don't be to obvious though, don't start the book with the protagonist shouting "DIE!!!" but I would refrain from a big monologue explaining what happened. It really puts your readers off. You can start in the action and gradually reveal all this stuff if the reader really does need to know this beforehand. This is called showing. The reader doesn't need to know about the nuclear power, implants, etc for the story to start. These are the little details you can scatter throughout the story and they'll actually work in your favour. I know as writers, we're always preaching "Detail, detail, detail!" but everything has its limits, and between all the dates and city names being thrown at us, the reader just can't be expected to keep track of that.

-Characterize your character. I know he's "you" but those types of stories will end up feeling less personal and more Twilight-like. If you still want it to be you, change his name, explore your personality, really crack down on what it is that makes you, you. Mannerisms, speech, etc.