JollyBarton
September 27th, 2012, 10:16 PM
I have recently had a bad. bad. relapse into my self injury. It started a few weeks ago with cutting my legs. I had to. The knife I had wasn't great though so the cuts were barely scratches. I recently got the blades off of a razor and that works a lot better. I have been cutting every day or more than once a day. I count sometimes and I am always over 20 cuts in total. I've gone up to 40ish one night. Most of the cuts are just light cuts that bleed a little but I started making more of them deeper. the edges would split.
I haven't told anyone that I've started again. I just cut my legs and sides so that no one would notice. However, just last night I decided to commit suicide. Obviously that didn't work. The belts I used to hang myself didn't hold up well. When I cut my wrist, the razor didn't go deep enough, but it bled quite a lot, so I just cut a bit more in the same spot so it would bleed more. The cut got fairly wide and 1 1/4 inches long. It seemed deep enough to get a stitch or two. I was still in a bad place so I made sure it didn't clot and managed to bleed steadily for two hours.
I almost fainted twice because I would stand up most of the time to increase blood flow. I did end up throwing up after two hours and gave up on the idea of bleeding to death because the cut just kept clotting over so if I passed out it would just stop bleeding and I would live but be found out. I lost quite a bit of blood. I also hadn't eaten or drank anything but 2 spoonfuls of honey in the last two days. I also had punched myself and hit my head against a wall that day.
The problem is that I hadn't planned on being alive right now. I play on a drum line in the marching band at my school. with a gaping hole in my left hand, my playing isn't the best, as well as being faint from the blood loss and low calorie intake. Tomorrow we are only practicing music so my friend (drum captain as well) will be able to hear and see how I am playing. ( I also want it to heal somewhat before our competition saturday so I can actually play)
I feel that I should mention this to him, as he should know why I'm sucking more than usual on my snare drum, as well as the fact that I am hitting a a low point. He SEEMS to be the least emotionally troubled of my small group of friends, but I am still not sure as to whether I should tell him or not. I don't want to trouble him, nor do I want to make him feel like he has to help in some way, though I do think I need help before I screw up even worse.
I have to hide this from my parents as well or they will send me to another mental hospital. They still have no idea of the multiple times I have relapsed or the multiple times I have tried at my own life. I don't want to hurt them anymore but it's so addicting and is the only thing that helps.
Basically, I just need to know if I should tell him or not, and if I should, then how. I don't know how much of the story I would tell. Also sorry for the insanely stupid and long post. feel free to ignore this thread.
I haven't told anyone that I've started again. I just cut my legs and sides so that no one would notice. However, just last night I decided to commit suicide. Obviously that didn't work. The belts I used to hang myself didn't hold up well. When I cut my wrist, the razor didn't go deep enough, but it bled quite a lot, so I just cut a bit more in the same spot so it would bleed more. The cut got fairly wide and 1 1/4 inches long. It seemed deep enough to get a stitch or two. I was still in a bad place so I made sure it didn't clot and managed to bleed steadily for two hours.
I almost fainted twice because I would stand up most of the time to increase blood flow. I did end up throwing up after two hours and gave up on the idea of bleeding to death because the cut just kept clotting over so if I passed out it would just stop bleeding and I would live but be found out. I lost quite a bit of blood. I also hadn't eaten or drank anything but 2 spoonfuls of honey in the last two days. I also had punched myself and hit my head against a wall that day.
The problem is that I hadn't planned on being alive right now. I play on a drum line in the marching band at my school. with a gaping hole in my left hand, my playing isn't the best, as well as being faint from the blood loss and low calorie intake. Tomorrow we are only practicing music so my friend (drum captain as well) will be able to hear and see how I am playing. ( I also want it to heal somewhat before our competition saturday so I can actually play)
I feel that I should mention this to him, as he should know why I'm sucking more than usual on my snare drum, as well as the fact that I am hitting a a low point. He SEEMS to be the least emotionally troubled of my small group of friends, but I am still not sure as to whether I should tell him or not. I don't want to trouble him, nor do I want to make him feel like he has to help in some way, though I do think I need help before I screw up even worse.
I have to hide this from my parents as well or they will send me to another mental hospital. They still have no idea of the multiple times I have relapsed or the multiple times I have tried at my own life. I don't want to hurt them anymore but it's so addicting and is the only thing that helps.
Basically, I just need to know if I should tell him or not, and if I should, then how. I don't know how much of the story I would tell. Also sorry for the insanely stupid and long post. feel free to ignore this thread.