Urges and School

[unsaidwords]

I seriously don't know how to deal with the urges at school. between classes I have 15 minutes, and those 15 minutes are complete hell. yes, I could text my friends and meet with them but I've been so depressed that i can't pretend a smile, and I don't want to be a burden to people. the moment they seem me they notice my face and start making questions. these last two days I've almost cried and being in a crowded place such as my school won't help. I could go to the bathroom and "hide" there - but during these breaks the bathroom's usually full of girls talking and gossiping. there's not a place in that school I can go and calm myself. somewhere calm, quiet, with nobody. no where. I hate it. my friends don't understand it when I tell them "i can't stand crowded places" - it triggers me. I've almost relapsed yesterday, the only reason I didn't was because when I grabbed my lighter I heard someone get in the bathroom and panicked. so I hid it and ran away, walking around school, in tears. (I found my friends by chance and had to pretend I was having a blast in my new classroom and stuff, but they noticed something was wrong. I hate being one of those people that can't hide emotions no matter how much they try. I used to be able to put a fake smile really easy... but these months has been so hard that I hate myself more for it)
I know I shouldn't bring my... ("tools", I guess) to school, but if I don't have them with me it makes me more anxious... it's for an emergency, I tell myself. and I've only had 3 days of classes yet. this ain't starting good...
I wanted to know, do you guys have any ideas on how I could control these urges? because one of my biggest triggers is having people look at me, touch me (i was bullied, things like that make me fear it might start once again - which I know is stupid and childish, I should just "move on and forget" but I can't) and in school, those are two things you can't avoid. I can't handle this anymore... and tomorrow i have my first P.E class, which is getting my anxiety levels way higher. I'm terrible at P.E, in every class I am people put me down because of it and basically treat me like trash. this is a new classroom, but that will happen for sure. it happens every time. I used to have breakdowns after, when I got home - but there's nothing I can do about it :S

I'm sorry if this is a mess, but I'm just really... I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I love school, I love learning, but these things make me hate school. and have been like this for the last 5 years (again, bullying). I don't want to relapse, i'm a week clean... but the only thing that will help me is... well... pain. my friend doesn't understand, she gets angry whenever I tell her "I almost relapsed, but I didn't" instead of being supportive and saying "well you didn't". she thinks it's that way she'll help understand that this is wrong. I mean... I KNOW it's WRONG. I never ever ever said it was RIGHT! nor will... it's wrong and I don't wish this to ANYONE - it's terrible not being able to concentrate on school because you're mind is only focused on ONE THING.
okay... so this sounds like a pretty long post just to ask one thing :( (and vent a little bit, i'm sorry):

how to stop urges at school? how to "prevent" being triggered?

[Tristin.]

you really should be focusing on stopping the urges both inside and outside of school. To that end, have you considered using the butterfly technique? If not, then it is simple. you draw a butterfly on your arm or wrist, and you must keep it alive until it naturally fades. If you relapse, the butterfly is hurt and you have to start again. I found this useful. Also, if you have a hair bobble, wear it like a bracelet and everytime you feel an urge, ping it against yourself until you feel the urge go. it gives you something to do while preventing you from harming yourself while you feel the urge.

also, never feel like a burden to someone. if you need to talk or if you need to vent, or if you need to get angry at someone, there will be someone who will be there for you. if you sturggle to find someone, use VT, it is what the site is here for. Don't appologise for long rantish posts, dont feel as if you are being a bother. We are all here to help one another.

If you need to speak to anyone, my inbox is always open x

[emanual]

you accept it. i was bullied, had binge eating disorder, parents who didn't care, and was just barely passing classes. at the end of grade eight I turned shit around. yeah people will treat you like shit and you cant do a fucking thing about it. i accepted it, and got over it. your problem is you are stressing the little things. who cares if people make fun of you in p/e, you gotta relax and just have fun. to stop the urges to cut yourself at school? find something to take your super high anxiety levels out i guess. i had pretty high anxiety awhile ago, and all it is is fear of the unknown. i find walking relieve stress. biking playing instrument and skateboarding work best for me though.

[xlntjen]

I use to carry my tools around for emergencies too cuz one time I didnt and I was freaking out. I think you should use a rubber band or a scrunchi. Also your friends are your friends for a reason. You cant stay bottled up, that is what triggers your urges as well. If you open up to ppl, you feel better.. like this weight of the world has been risen. I do like that butterfly technique, I'm gonna try it for myself (:

[unsaidwords]

you really should be focusing on stopping the urges both inside and outside of school. To that end, have you considered using the butterfly technique? If not, then it is simple. you draw a butterfly on your arm or wrist, and you must keep it alive until it naturally fades. If you relapse, the butterfly is hurt and you have to start again. I found this useful. Also, if you have a hair bobble, wear it like a bracelet and everytime you feel an urge, ping it against yourself until you feel the urge go. it gives you something to do while preventing you from harming yourself while you feel the urge.

also, never feel like a burden to someone. if you need to talk or if you need to vent, or if you need to get angry at someone, there will be someone who will be there for you. if you sturggle to find someone, use VT, it is what the site is here for. Don't appologise for long rantish posts, dont feel as if you are being a bother. We are all here to help one another.

If you need to speak to anyone, my inbox is always open x

Yes I have, but sometimes the butterflies don't seem to help... Because at times i'm so paranoid that everyone hates me that it just makes me want to kill them more. Most of the time it helps, it's what made me not relapse a few days ago - looking at them (:
I use a rubberband on my wrist everyday and it does help... Expect when the urge is really big and the pain isn't enough. But still it helps when I feel an urge coming, or i'm "drifting away" (my mind goes blank. I hear everything people are saying but I can't speak or react - it's really weird) I've tried holding ice, it has a better effect for me but I can't do it when i'm at school.
Thank you, I know I shouldn't feel like a burden. Right now, that I'm feeling rather good, I can see that... but most of the time I can't.

you accept it. i was bullied, had binge eating disorder, parents who didn't care, and was just barely passing classes. at the end of grade eight I turned shit around. yeah people will treat you like shit and you cant do a fucking thing about it. i accepted it, and got over it. your problem is you are stressing the little things. who cares if people make fun of you in p/e, you gotta relax and just have fun. to stop the urges to cut yourself at school? find something to take your super high anxiety levels out i guess. i had pretty high anxiety awhile ago, and all it is is fear of the unknown. i find walking relieve stress. biking playing instrument and skateboarding work best for me though.

Thing is, I try to not care... but my body doesn't allow me to. I have chest pains, shortness of breathe and those things you can't ignore. I've found some things to help with anxiety, such as playing piano - but whenever I missed some note I would freak out. Same goes for anything else, such as painting or writing, which I love.

I use to carry my tools around for emergencies too cuz one time I didnt and I was freaking out. I think you should use a rubber band or a scrunchi. Also your friends are your friends for a reason. You cant stay bottled up, that is what triggers your urges as well. If you open up to ppl, you feel better.. like this weight of the world has been risen. I do like that butterfly technique, I'm gonna try it for myself (:

It has happen to me. Even holding my lighter will help with the urges, I don't know how but it will... I'll eventually be burning other things, but I won't be burning myself!
My friends have told me that but I hate when people worry about me. I don't easily open up to people, I don't easily talk about how I feel. It's bad for me, but I can't. I'll hate myself more after. The butterfly project is amazing, you should definitely try it. Although it doesn't work 100% for me and I forget to draw them most of the time - it's a great technique! I walk around with my sharpies all the time and also write inspirational words and stuff like that. At least I'm not hurting my own skin, I'm decorating it (:

Thank you all for your help and advice!

[cutter2369]

Rubber bands and blu tack. I ALWAYS have a rubber band round my wrist at school. I have to have my bit of blu tack for anxiety as well. Feel free to inbox me