Aceso
September 17th, 2012, 05:09 PM
And I know what it is, but I also know I can't change it.
I have a lot of things wrong right now, I know that, but I also know I can fix them, or at least make them better. My whole self confidence, the fact that I still look at myself with complete and utter disgust still gets to me. I'm restricting and purging again, a lot. And it is having an affect on me. It troubles me a lot, but I'm also welcoming it in a way. I can deal with it though, even though it's this I control it, but it controls me mindset, I can cope with that. I'm working out every day again, which is very contrary to my other methods, and also a lot more positive. It balances out.
Then, school. Again, it thoroughly exhausts and breaks me, but it's okay. I can deal with people better. I don't have anyone I genuinely have trouble with there, and my grades are fine. It's just that uncomfortableness, that self-consciousness constantly nagging me in the back of my mind. I don't want to be around my friends. They feel so superficial, which is what will link me to the point of this thread. I'm agitated by the company of them, it makes me fractious. I know that the environment I'm in not only drains me but it somehow manages to genuinely scare me sometimes. If it were a case of simply sitting down, alone, and doing the work I'd be flying. It's the fact that I feel like there are constant eyes on my back, and I keep having to turn around to check and meet those gases. The work load is crushing, and it's not even started yet. I have huge goals I am so desperate to live up to, and they seem so far away. What frustrates me most is that they're actually possible. At least when I set myself impossible goals I know it's a dream, but the fact that I could reach these ones means that if I don't it'll just be another big failure. I guess this would be all okay apart from the fact that there's so much other stuff going on.
Then there's another problem I can't really resolve. I used to be able to sleep six hours, and wake up feeling energetic, well rested and perfectly attentive. Then I went to sleeping three hours most, which is where it all started. I'd have dreams that would disturb me, or keep waking up, or have some form of sleep paralysis. But then at the same time mum let me sleep several times a day, so even when I felt run down I could still recuperate. Now, I'm sleeping a minimum of twelve hours a day and I'm still exhausted, like I haven't even slept at all. I keep lucid dreaming, but I can't control them. My mind is completely awake, to the point where I'm talking to myself in dreams, I know I'm sleeping and I just keep having recurring dreams again and again. For example last night I woke up thrice, and every time I went back to sleep I just kept continuing from the last dream I had. It'd be okay if it weren't for the fact that I kept dreaming about things that were severely bothering me. And every day it's the same, groggy exhaustion, fatigue, one way or another I wish I could just turn over and try again, just re-set my system and I can't.
One last thing I want to mention in this rant-esque type thread I guess, is that I can't seem to get over someone, or something. I recently lost an extremely close companion to me, which is one of the things I keep dreaming about. It really gets to me as because of the lucid dreaming, part of me keeps telling me it's real, and it's almost like I'm carrying on another life in a different world. It's really unnerving waking up from one thing so real, and crushing realising you've got to get on with the next. Another thing I keep dreaming about, is this one friend I lost. I've tried so hard to stop dreaming about him too, I've repetitively told myself to stop thinking about him, but I really just can't seem to get away from him either. I've known him for years, I trusted him with knowing everything about me and I really don't know why I'm being so weak. Two things I can't control over, and that maddens me. I want to be one of those people who can remain neutral, calm and collected throughout everything, but the one emotion that kills me is loss. I can't stand it and honestly it kills me. My companion, along with him, are the only two things that seem to really get to me. I genuinely, honestly think that when I lose someone I truly trust and care for that is the reason I break, and the reason I become so depressed. I know that it's certainly what triggered this whole mess when I was 11, or at least it was a main factor. I feel so pathetic when it's say, 3 or 4 months later and I'm still crushed or crying over something or someone I've lost. Other people seem to get over things like that fine but it really haunts me. I don't know if maybe it's because there have only really been two or three people I've genuinely held so much trust, and love I guess, for. But it really honestly does break my heart in a way. Either way, I still can't stop thinking about him, going over every tiny detail, wondering how it could go differently. And there's that still hope there, hope that I can go back or move forward again. But at the same time it breaks me, because I know that the ships have passed, they have moved on and I'm still stuck.
I don't really know what the point of this was. Perhaps to get my thoughts out or something. You don't have to read this, but any advice or help would be appreciated if you have any ideas on how to fix some of this. Thanks guys, sorry for the rambling.
I have a lot of things wrong right now, I know that, but I also know I can fix them, or at least make them better. My whole self confidence, the fact that I still look at myself with complete and utter disgust still gets to me. I'm restricting and purging again, a lot. And it is having an affect on me. It troubles me a lot, but I'm also welcoming it in a way. I can deal with it though, even though it's this I control it, but it controls me mindset, I can cope with that. I'm working out every day again, which is very contrary to my other methods, and also a lot more positive. It balances out.
Then, school. Again, it thoroughly exhausts and breaks me, but it's okay. I can deal with people better. I don't have anyone I genuinely have trouble with there, and my grades are fine. It's just that uncomfortableness, that self-consciousness constantly nagging me in the back of my mind. I don't want to be around my friends. They feel so superficial, which is what will link me to the point of this thread. I'm agitated by the company of them, it makes me fractious. I know that the environment I'm in not only drains me but it somehow manages to genuinely scare me sometimes. If it were a case of simply sitting down, alone, and doing the work I'd be flying. It's the fact that I feel like there are constant eyes on my back, and I keep having to turn around to check and meet those gases. The work load is crushing, and it's not even started yet. I have huge goals I am so desperate to live up to, and they seem so far away. What frustrates me most is that they're actually possible. At least when I set myself impossible goals I know it's a dream, but the fact that I could reach these ones means that if I don't it'll just be another big failure. I guess this would be all okay apart from the fact that there's so much other stuff going on.
Then there's another problem I can't really resolve. I used to be able to sleep six hours, and wake up feeling energetic, well rested and perfectly attentive. Then I went to sleeping three hours most, which is where it all started. I'd have dreams that would disturb me, or keep waking up, or have some form of sleep paralysis. But then at the same time mum let me sleep several times a day, so even when I felt run down I could still recuperate. Now, I'm sleeping a minimum of twelve hours a day and I'm still exhausted, like I haven't even slept at all. I keep lucid dreaming, but I can't control them. My mind is completely awake, to the point where I'm talking to myself in dreams, I know I'm sleeping and I just keep having recurring dreams again and again. For example last night I woke up thrice, and every time I went back to sleep I just kept continuing from the last dream I had. It'd be okay if it weren't for the fact that I kept dreaming about things that were severely bothering me. And every day it's the same, groggy exhaustion, fatigue, one way or another I wish I could just turn over and try again, just re-set my system and I can't.
One last thing I want to mention in this rant-esque type thread I guess, is that I can't seem to get over someone, or something. I recently lost an extremely close companion to me, which is one of the things I keep dreaming about. It really gets to me as because of the lucid dreaming, part of me keeps telling me it's real, and it's almost like I'm carrying on another life in a different world. It's really unnerving waking up from one thing so real, and crushing realising you've got to get on with the next. Another thing I keep dreaming about, is this one friend I lost. I've tried so hard to stop dreaming about him too, I've repetitively told myself to stop thinking about him, but I really just can't seem to get away from him either. I've known him for years, I trusted him with knowing everything about me and I really don't know why I'm being so weak. Two things I can't control over, and that maddens me. I want to be one of those people who can remain neutral, calm and collected throughout everything, but the one emotion that kills me is loss. I can't stand it and honestly it kills me. My companion, along with him, are the only two things that seem to really get to me. I genuinely, honestly think that when I lose someone I truly trust and care for that is the reason I break, and the reason I become so depressed. I know that it's certainly what triggered this whole mess when I was 11, or at least it was a main factor. I feel so pathetic when it's say, 3 or 4 months later and I'm still crushed or crying over something or someone I've lost. Other people seem to get over things like that fine but it really haunts me. I don't know if maybe it's because there have only really been two or three people I've genuinely held so much trust, and love I guess, for. But it really honestly does break my heart in a way. Either way, I still can't stop thinking about him, going over every tiny detail, wondering how it could go differently. And there's that still hope there, hope that I can go back or move forward again. But at the same time it breaks me, because I know that the ships have passed, they have moved on and I'm still stuck.
I don't really know what the point of this was. Perhaps to get my thoughts out or something. You don't have to read this, but any advice or help would be appreciated if you have any ideas on how to fix some of this. Thanks guys, sorry for the rambling.